After Drugs: Talking To Yourself

Damn, it had been quite a while since I have found myself able to just sit down and actually spill my thoughts on this blog. But, shit does it feel good!

As some of you know, I have been quite absent for a few months now. I got myself back in college and finally, for the first time in my life, am actually getting nothing but A's. Trust me, every time I go online to check my grades, I am still shocked to see that letter under my name. I even noticed I liked all the stress and work that came with school. Weird for me. Anyway.

Not trying to brag here... although it might seem like it. But I'm mentioning this stuff for two reasons.

1). A few months back, I remember being so beat to shit down. All I could think about is wasting 8 years of my life I wasted gathering up pills and separating foil. "I'm so late in life." That's all I could think about. Also, If you have read some of my previous blogs, you know by now that I call the negativity in my head my dark passenger. Separating those thoughts in my head and personifying them kinda helped me I guess. Anyways, I got to a point where he was getting me to a point where the only thing in my head was how far behind I was with the rest of the world. And if my life could even go somewhere still.    

2) I stopped bitching. And trust me that was harder than I thought. I realized all I was doing was trying to shove my dark passenger out of my head... until his next opportunity to show up (which most of the time was in the next few hours). I did this little dance of pushing my dark passenger away, have the negativity appear again, and then having to ignore them once again.

I think most of us know that this can only go on for so long before it makes us question almost everything were doing. That, along with driving us half mad.

Anyways, I started thinking... really really thinking about everything overall. We all have already worked so hard. The people I have had the pleasure of reading about and meeting on this site, are all of the strongest people I have ever met. So there is no way in hell we can give up now.

Instead of just trying to silence my dark passenger for a certain amount of time, I wanted to continue the fight so many of us are already in the middle of. Change that voice in your head. If you can't, be the positive side to argue with the negative one. Talk to yourself.  Might sound crazy, but the negativity can not rule our lives. Not after everything all of you have already accomplished.

The point of me mentioning what I did in the beginning of this post, was that I wanted to prove to myself that I could actually do something I didn't think I could do. I wanted to prove that I needed to believe in myself more, so that I can actually move forward. I might not be where I want to just yet...shit I am far from it, but I will continue to work to get closer.

I hope you will with me.

It is something that we all deserve. Something that ultimately leads to what we all want... happiness.

That Love Talk

So I was with a few friend having the usual talks about...well money, life, jobs, and that whole messy love life thing. Of course the majority of the time, the topic was more geared to relationships than anything else.

I have always been the type of guy that knows what I wanted in a relationship...or so I thought. My last few attempts of a healthy relationships... just didn't work out.

 

Picture by: samcaplat

My friends were basically telling me that I often put up with stuff that I shouldn't, and seem to get confused about the things that should bother me more and so and so. So then they asked me what I wanted. I simply replied with, "something real." What the hell does that really mean though? Well here I go trying to figure this out:

Alright so what do I want in a relationship? I definitely need someone who is mature. I really think that is one of the most important things for everyone right? Definitely someone who can support me in my sobriety and not judge me because of my past.

Someone who puts in the same amount of effort I would, while not considering it a chore. I think this is huge too. If it feels like something that you need to do instead of wanting to do, then it most likely is not going to work out. Nor should we want it to work out right? I need to remember that relationships are supposed to be fun!

Someone that is respectful is another huge deciding factor. I want to be able to be confident when I bring my boyfriend to meet my family. Someone respectful in the everyday sense but also meaning kind, honest, caring, and persistent. Everyone tends to worry or feel insecure in a relationship, so I feel like making our partners feel safe without them constantly having to ask, is just the right thing to do.

Openness. It isn't that I need to know every little thing going on, but I just want someone who doesn't feel the need to be so guarded about everything as well. Just knowing what is going on in each others lives, I feel takes care of so many possible issues. If we know what is generally happening with our special someone, it doesn't leave much room for us to get insecure or even suspicious. I feel like, at least for me, as soon as those feelings start to come into play, it is so hard to make them disappear. Then we are just constantly worrying and over-analyzing which, I think we can all agree, isn't fun.

Also, I definitely don't mind having some different opinions about stuff, I actually like that. Some stuff though I feel are kinda important to agree on. Like the big stuff. Does that make sense? Basically just the stuff that we would constantly have in the back of our mind, and it eventually turning into holding a grudge. Whether it be kids, opinions about money, attitudes, religion, etc. Don't get me wrong, I love different cultures, different opinions and all that stuff, but I'm just saying it's important to figure out if we can be 100% accepting of those differences.

Alright so there are definitely the big main things that I would consider being a "real" relationship. Something that I really want. And when those problems appear, and they will appear, both of us should be willing to work it out.

We all deserve the relationship we want and need. ALL OF US.

Don't you think?