One of the most important things we need to remember...

“I’ve made mistakes in my life. I’ve let people take advantage of me, and I accepted way less than I deserve, but I’ve learned from my bad choices and even though there are some things I can never get back and people who will never be sorry, I’ll know better next time and I won’t settle for anything less than I deserve.”

~Unknown,

Always remember...

"Still around the corner there may wait, a new road, or a secret gate" 

- J.R.R Tolkien

Birthday Blues: Drug Residue

"I was 100% sure that I would be dead by now. And I technically did die twice. What other bullshit am I gonna have to go through in order for it to just all end already."

Those were some of my last sentences I wrote in my journal. A few months later I walked into rehab.

Ok, lets rewind a little....

So I just recently turned 24. Its still weird to say this when my birthday comes with each passing year in sobriety. As I look at those pages and read the ink that was thrown down, I can't believe that THAT was me. I wrote those words. But at the same time, i remember feeling and fully believing that. I would not live past 21. I just wouldn't. And that was fine.

Image by: Pink Sherbet Photography

I was wrapped up in the suffocating grip of addiction, and people in my life were disappearing to the left and right of me. I remember thinking that the past few years has been a drawn out game of russian roulette, but, "the excitement of some of the highs were worth the lows."

That was what I was trying to convince myself for the first few years. it was only after having to set flowers at another few graves that I realized lows were all that were left.

Well Back To Now

So as I mentioned, it was just my birthday a few days ago. As much as my view has changed, and trust me they have changed, I once again get the.. birthday blues, I guess you would call them.

Whatever you wanna call it, I slipped into a hole of depression. But its not the same kind of depression that I am accustomed to battling throughout the year. It's something different. My dark passenger seems to be reminding me, louder than usual, about the years that I wasted. About the possibilities that might of been right in front of me, but I was too doped up to even slightly see them.

Once again, my mind was being pulled back into the past, while thinking about the things I most likely fucked up in the future. This is such a reoccurring shit storm that enters my head and brings me down, but usually around my birthday is when it gets the worst.

What needs to happen

For some reason, I have been on an audiobook binge recently, and the latest book I have been listening to is, "10% Happier," by Dan Harris.  Yes, I have ben reverting to self-help books. I know, I know. Keep with me though.

I was stuck in traffic somewhere on the freeway while I heard Harris say something that strangely picked me up and changed my view just a little. But I think it was just that little bit that I needed so that I knew what to do.

I can't remember if this is exactly right, but it pretty much said,

"If you have one foot in the past, and one in the future, you are pissing on the present."

Why this quote sparked something in my mind, I have no idea. But it did. I'm not saying it lifted these birthday blues Im going through, but it is definitely helping.

...I think I know what to do...

Well sort of.

I'm always thinking about the past. One way or another. I know it's impossible to just never think of it again, but what I mean is that I think about it in relation to how much I fucked up what could have been. How much it fucks with relationships I am in because of the flashbacks and insecurities. Stuff of that sort. And if my main goal is happiness, this kind of thinking is definitely not going to get me anywhere. 

So then the easy answer would be to bring that foot from the past, forward to the present... right? Of course when it comes to real life, it is always easier said than done, but I know it is something that CAN be done..though it may take a lot of practice. 

I've heard many say that you need to live completely in the present, and not think about the future or else the only thing you will lead yourself to is disappointment.

I dont know if it is just me being stubborn, but I dont accept that at all. I feel like with a foot being in the present, the other foot (or at least half) should in fact be in the future. I know for myself, I need to make commitments and set goals so that I can work towards something. It brings meaning to the present in those difficult moments when we have trouble finding any. 

And when I think of the future in that aspect, I can spend the rest of my energy figuring out what to do in the present in order to get to where I want to be. 

We all have worked way to hard to let the demons of the past take control of even more time in our lives. 

Stay strong bloggers. My rambling is done for now. 

With Much Love,

D.Z.

A small reminder to save your day

When you listen to your ego, you will never be good enough, someone will always be better. Your ego will never let you rest. 

Being able to ignore that voice may just be the most valuable lesson one can learn. 

-You are always good enough & the only one we should be comparing ourselves to, is ourselves-  

Life, Fear, & the Ego

It has been a long time since I have actually been able to sit down, write, and finish by posting whatever my mind threw at the screen. I have... quite a lot of drafts saved up that I couldn't get myself to post for some reason. For a while, I think I felt that I didn't have anything positive or good enough to say.

So many things were happening that were dragging me down. So many negative things kept flying at me, slowly breaking me apart. I know, I ignored my own advice, and kept quiet about it all. All this led to me, once again, falling back to a place where I felt numbing out my emotions was what I needed to do.(WHY?!) 

So now that I am in the process of climbing out of the dark hole I threw myself in, I can't help but be a little disappointed in myself. Then again, it is just one more lesson that was thrown at me so that hopefully, I learn from my mistake...that was made multiple times. 

Anyway, over the past few months, I was asking a lot of people a few questions; some of them I knew, others I didn't. Mostly the questions were for a book I am writing, but there is one thing that was present in almost everyone's answer that I wanted to talk about. (Stick with me here, it all ties together)

Fear. In one way or another, when I asked about certain subjects, such as how they make decisions, their goals, their personality, they were all influenced by fear. I guess that is the main reason I couldn't get myself to post all that I had written too. "It's not good enough," or, "I should be doing better," or any of those bullshit thoughts, are all the voice of the ego.

All of us, or at least most, are guilty of letting fear control the decisions we make almost every day. Whether we know it or not, I feel like fear has become so deeply instilled in us that we honestly don't even recognize it anymore. I know for me personally, this has been true for a long time now. Don't get me wrong, if you are one of the few that has been able to shut it out, my hat is off to you. But for the rest of us, and I know this is 100% true for myself, it is going to take a lot of work to not only ignore the fear, but recognize where the fear is lurking.

"So many choose our path out of fear disguised as practicality" 

This is the quote that made me think about all of this. When I first heard it, I must of repeated it about 10 times in my head. I flipped through some of the responses I had written down from those who had answered my questions, and many had said something along the lines of, "I'm more of a practical person," and,  "I don't let emotions effect me." Even many of the people I know or grew up with have a kind of mindset that blocking out emotions is something that betters us, or protects us in some way. 

I mean, shit, isn't this kind of what I was doing the past few months? 

So then it got me thinking, how much of that "practical" way of life, is one that is really based on fear. Where we make decisions based on past experiences where the end result was pain. Is it understandable? Hell yeah, and sometimes I don't think it is even something that is bad. It is when we let ourselves build it all up inside so that we get calloused to not only the bad, but the world in general.  

Picture by: Cuito Cuanavale

I think that is the cycle that I am trying to break right now. I think it is definitely good to be weary about some things, but not to be so numb and calloused towards so much that this world has to offer... and with the many years of my life that I already gave away to addiction, I want to experience all I can and not let fear or ego control my choices. Because when you think about it, once you let fear move in and start changing the way you think, it starts taking over almost every decision that you can make. Whether it be debating on doing something that day, some other choice, and especially in relationships and love interests. I think it is with the latter that I really need to remember this quote and try to push that fear as far away as I can.  

I think it is a part of that complete feeling of peace that so many of us are constantly trying to achieve. But, in order to get there, we have to let that armor go. Let the real you decide, not fear. 

"There are two choices in this world: Love, or Fear. Choose love, and don't ever let fear turn you against your heart."

Drugs, Addiction, and the Future?

Image by: Lara Cores

There has been so much on my mind lately. With being concerned with me still trying to fix some of the wreckage that my addict self managed to leave behind, to me being back in school, which leads to me thinking about my future, which I realized actually really scares the shit out of me. 

Before it, whatever the future was, never really crossed my mind. Or if it did, it was there only for a few seconds before the next wave of codeine washed it away. So now that my sea of codeine is (thankfully) all dried up, so many new things are in front of me. 

Don't get my wrong , I'm not complaining... It's just that back then, the "future" had a completely different meaning. Most of it having to do with trying to forget the past, and trying to sell enough so I had enough money to live an addict's version of comfortable, and have enough pills or whatever to get me by. I even found my old diary, and numerous pages includes me thinking I wasn't going make it past 25. 

So first of all... Fuck that. I will happily live past 25! We all should! Besides, why would I wanna miss being able to rent a car by myself. Can you say, MILESTONE?!

 But in all honesty, finding those pages was definitely strange. I didn't recognize the person who wrote those fading words. I didn't even want to.

Original Image by: Emdot   (I distorted it a bit)

So then I started to revisit the thoughts on my future. As much as they scared me, I saw excitement somewhere in that same fear. It might take a good while... It will Definitely take some time to fight and get readjusted to life without addiction in the drivers seat, 2 years for me now, but as I look back, and when I read those pages... This strange, new, scary, emotional, and hard life is still what I would choose instead of the previous. 

There's so much left to be discovered, to experience, to be felt... That most likely sounded corny, but it's true. Stick with me. 

There is all this stuff I am finding out about myself. Some might be strange to you..... Like it was for me when I discovered the secret nerd in me who loved studying and learning. Didn't see that one coming. 

So really, who knows what the future has in store for us. Worrying about it, well, doesn't do shit but make everything more stressful. Without being tied down to addiction, that whole saying... what is it, "you can be anything you want if you try hard enough," or something of that sort, might actually be true. 

I guess the point is that.. Well we aren't tied down. We can work towards anything without worrying about having enough of whatever our poison of choice was, or if there is a dealer in this or that city, or any of that stuff. And I don't know about you, but I wanna find out what I can actually do. For myself of course, and also as (excuse the language) a fuck you to those who thought/said we wouldn't amount to anything. 

It might not be easy getting there, but I am almost 100 percent sure it is going to be so much more worth it to work and find our potential. Whatever the hell that might be. 

In the end, I guess the future will be the result of a whole bunch of "right now's". So then I guess it's just right now that I have to think about. And right now, is always completely in our control. And right now, thanks to this little therapy session(?), I'm doing alright, no longer terrified of that future thats been occupying my mind for a while. 

You guys (blogging community) are my strength a lot of the times, so for that I need to say THANK YOU. Stay strong everyone.

What do you guys think?

"We all have a few failures under our belt. It's what makes us ready for the successes." – Randy K. Milholland

And just to add on to what this man said, I don't think they only make us ready.

Those failures are what make you appreciate the successes so much more.

I mean, I think it took 8 years of addiction and constant f*cking up and failing at things when I was using to appreciate and feel awesome about even just getting an A in a class this semester while sober and going to school.

I mean it definitely took a while to see some things like that, and I think I still have a while to go to take this quote and put it to all the failures under my belt...but I am damn willing to work, wait, and see what success will be greater than some of these failures.

It is something we all deserve to see.

Addiction & Frustration & Writing

And this is how the shit-storm all starts again… that is, if I let it.

Summer has officially started which means no more classes and no homework, which all comes down to having nothing to keep me busy.

Complaining about not having homework and classes…yeah, it even surprises me.

After drugs, I think we all try to avoid that dangerous feeling of being bored. What’s that saying? “Idle hands are the devils playground?” Guess I now understand it.

I’m sure most of my fellow “recovering” addicts out there can agree with me when I say, it fucking drives me nuts Just sitting there can make your brain pull out all sorts of memories from the very back corner of your mind that brings out…what were those things we were trying to numb out? Oh yeah…emotions.

 

Image by: Mindaugas

Well I knew I needed to keep myself busy, so the first thing that popped into my head was writing. So here I am, just letting the words flow out. Like many of you, writing just…well I guess I can only describe it as something I NEED to do. The best form of therapy I know.

So one thing I need to do is get back involved in the blogging world. I know it always helps me, somehow I just never end up posting the things I write. I guess it’s a confidence thing? Don’t think it’s, “good enough,” or something like that.

Then I thought about it… I can’t let my insecurities stop me from doing what I love, not anymore. That is after all where that happiness comes from that we are always looking for right?

Besides, the responses or messages you get from the people you meet while blogging, can literally make your day sometimes. I know many of you have for me. (THANK YOU!)

So, besides blogging I have also decided to finally try writing my novel that has been on my to-do list since I was 7…or somewhere around there. So if any of you are writing out there, and have advice, I would LOVE to hear it.

To end, I guess being bored can also be a good thing. It gives you an opportunity to try something new, find a new hobby, or write every random word going on in your head. The hard part is just getting started.

Stay strong everyone. And have a good night.

One Wall at a Time: After Addiction

There comes a time in "recovery" where those issues we were ignoring and numbing out are finally just closing in on us. That, or we get put in a situation where we built walls to protect ourselves from getting hurt. We as addicts can get really creative in finding all sorts of ways not to deal with our problems.

I know I certainly would think of anything to run away from something potentially painful.

Image by: Ian Sane

Anyway, I was talking to someone the other day who was basically telling me that they were being told to take all their walls down. Like it is something that easy to do...
In my opinion, this isn't something that should be done all at once. We spent years building up these walls, and most of the time for a pretty damn good reason. And just like real walls, if you knock them down all at once, it could just result in a big, cluttered, mess.

Don't get me wrong, if this is something that works best for you, then that's awesome. It just definitely did not for me, as well as a lot of the people I know.

Being in recovery for me, felt like I had to basically relearn how to basically live again. I am sure you guys can relate. Everything felt different. Hell, even driving felt different, I couldn't even stay in the lines at first when I got sober.

Getting back to what I was saying, having to relearn everything was already hard enough of a task to take on. I couldn't imagine dealing with all of my mental walls and what-note at once. I tried to, but that only led to a relapse... soooo I decided that probably wasn't going to be the right path for me.

Getting used to this new life was something I wanted, more so needed, to do first. Most of the issues and walls I built had to do with close relationships, and at that time, I knew I was nowhere near being ready for a new relationship. Even some basic issues, something like.... trust, just in general, I put off until a bit later until I was at least comfortable with me before I added anyone else into the picture. I guess this is where people say we need to "be selfish and think of ourselves first." I don't think it is a selfish act though, more of a brave one actually.

So that's what happened. I got to a point where I felt comfortable enough with the regular day again, before I decided to tackle anything that could potentially break the already unstable ground I was walking on. Besides, in the beginning, sometimes... just sometimes, those walls are the only thing still holding us up.

Now again, this is what I, MYSELF, needed to do. I couldn't handle multiple things at once. I know some of you guys can and that is great for you guys, but I definitely wasn't as capable. Like almost everything having to do with addiction, what helps one person will not be helpful for the next.

Guess I just wanted to say that we shouldn't be afraid to take it slow. We shouldn't be afraid to go at our own pace. Some put a set timeline on handling these things when everyone has a different way of handling their problems.

Just had to get some thoughts out.

Now I'm ready to jump into bed. Stay strong bloggers =]

Danny

After Drugs: Talking To Yourself

Damn, it had been quite a while since I have found myself able to just sit down and actually spill my thoughts on this blog. But, shit does it feel good!

As some of you know, I have been quite absent for a few months now. I got myself back in college and finally, for the first time in my life, am actually getting nothing but A's. Trust me, every time I go online to check my grades, I am still shocked to see that letter under my name. I even noticed I liked all the stress and work that came with school. Weird for me. Anyway.

Not trying to brag here... although it might seem like it. But I'm mentioning this stuff for two reasons.

1). A few months back, I remember being so beat to shit down. All I could think about is wasting 8 years of my life I wasted gathering up pills and separating foil. "I'm so late in life." That's all I could think about. Also, If you have read some of my previous blogs, you know by now that I call the negativity in my head my dark passenger. Separating those thoughts in my head and personifying them kinda helped me I guess. Anyways, I got to a point where he was getting me to a point where the only thing in my head was how far behind I was with the rest of the world. And if my life could even go somewhere still.    

2) I stopped bitching. And trust me that was harder than I thought. I realized all I was doing was trying to shove my dark passenger out of my head... until his next opportunity to show up (which most of the time was in the next few hours). I did this little dance of pushing my dark passenger away, have the negativity appear again, and then having to ignore them once again.

I think most of us know that this can only go on for so long before it makes us question almost everything were doing. That, along with driving us half mad.

Anyways, I started thinking... really really thinking about everything overall. We all have already worked so hard. The people I have had the pleasure of reading about and meeting on this site, are all of the strongest people I have ever met. So there is no way in hell we can give up now.

Instead of just trying to silence my dark passenger for a certain amount of time, I wanted to continue the fight so many of us are already in the middle of. Change that voice in your head. If you can't, be the positive side to argue with the negative one. Talk to yourself.  Might sound crazy, but the negativity can not rule our lives. Not after everything all of you have already accomplished.

The point of me mentioning what I did in the beginning of this post, was that I wanted to prove to myself that I could actually do something I didn't think I could do. I wanted to prove that I needed to believe in myself more, so that I can actually move forward. I might not be where I want to just yet...shit I am far from it, but I will continue to work to get closer.

I hope you will with me.

It is something that we all deserve. Something that ultimately leads to what we all want... happiness.

Changing the Old, Starting the New...right?

Wait...a new year already? 

Image by: Dan Moyle

Well, first off I would like to say sorry for the lack of consistency in my writing. I have been traveling quite a lot where I almost just wanted to let my mind wander and collect some random thoughts. Which brings us to now.

To start, Happy New Year! All the sudden, 2013 has rushed by and 2014 has now arrived. Now, I am not usually one to make resolutions, but this year I guess I sort of did come up with my own year long challenges. 

Like I said I have been doing a lot of self-reflection lately in my time of being absent here. I also have just read through some of my old posts, journal entries (especially those which did not make it on here to my blog), and came up with...I guess you could call them "resolutions"...but I'm gonna stick with challenges =] Anyways, they were quite simple ones, so I am hoping I will be able to carry them out throughout the year. The first one I think can relate to us all. 

       1. Be Nicer to Myself - I think we all could have this as a "resolution." I know for many of us, we are our own worst enemy. Or in the case of my "dark passenger," have them inside us. Especially now after reading some of my past journal entries that I did not post, I prevented myself to having chance to be happy just because of how I was thinking. The negative thoughts in me were still so loud (and sometimes they definitely still are) that they can quite literally steal the happiness that could be right around the corner. Let us make 2014 a year where we try our hardest to fight off the negativity that tries its hardest to control our lives. Don't get me wrong, I know there are definitely going to be times where it just doesn't even seem possible. But all I am saying, at least for myself, is that I am going to try as hard as I can, harder than I ever have before, to  push the negativity out as much as I can. 

       2. Uncensored Writings  - For myself, I have decided that all my entries that I write in my journal, need to be posted. There are certain ones that I leave in there just because at the time they were written, things were happening that just made the posts much more negative than positive. But I was thinking...this is MY blog. At first, I was scared that posting some of those entries would spread the negativity going on in my head (I still really hope this does not happen). But on my blog, in order for me to write consistently and honestly, I need to include the hardships and negativity that is trying to fight its way to control my head.

I know some people are really good at just letting the positive in and pushing all the negative out, but in no case is that me. Plus, I have truly seen the community that is here in the blogosphere and have already received the kindest of words and help from people. Something I definitely did not expect to happen so soon. So if any of you have criticisms, advice, thoughts, or anything else, I would love to hear them on any post. 

Again, blogging has already been such a blessing for me. Just that so many different people have reached out, already means so much. It has definitely shown me that with what I was going through, I am not alone. In part, this is why I wanted to include everything, including some of the very dark or negative moments, in my posts. So that if someone is out there, going through the same thing, they too can know they are not alone. Just knowing that one simple fact saved my life once upon a time. 

I strongly believe we are all in this together. Life can consist of so many unpleasant moments where being able to just let it out and get some support can have so much positive power... and definitely even kickstart someones healing process like it did mine. 

Anyways, so I guess those were my two resolutions... or challenges...or goals.. or whatever you wanna call them for the next year. 2014

A new year and an opportunity to wipe the slate clean. 

Did you guys make resolutions?

Graveyard of Death & Love

So I don't know if you have been keeping up with the last few posts, but for a real quick catch up:

Dealing with a lot currently, which leads to me thinking a lot. I think any Addict can tell you that can be dangerous.

All caught up? Maybe?

Anyways. I was also talking about how I had to slowly teach myself to allow emotion back into my life. And I am sure much of you have or are doing the same thing.

So what happens when you think you are doing well and all the sudden you walk into a wall you never even knew you had built.         How exciting...something else to work on right?

That treasure chest of emotions that come with love, our hearts, and trust, had all been buried in the dust. Looking back, I can't say I am surprised. With all that was "needed" to be done; Faking relationships for manipulation, seeing love and its meaning crumble all around, and loosing more than a few friends as well as a lover in my arms. Yeah, I can say that was the one that truly did it.

I might not of buried them myself, but I definitely handed my heart to the gravedigger to finish the job.

Picture by: LadyDragonFly

Now a few years later, when someone came around who might make me want to dig up that treasure chest, I found myself just standing in front of that grave frozen in fear, shovel in hand.

Back then I stuck to a simple rule. Relationships (of any kind) means loss. So naturally I stayed away from anything real with the possibility of what I thought was a ticking time bomb of overwhelming pain. In my mind I had already felt that blast too many times before.

Back to now. So many of my thoughts have already changed, so I figured this might me an important one to figure out. The biggest thing I am trying to change is to see it is an opportunity for happiness in an actual healthy relationship.

Is it that word that scares me? Happiness? I think it really did come to a point where I was comfortable in the world of chaos I was living in. The chaotic world filled with death, danger, and drugs was a constant day-to-day normal. And to be completely honest, I think sometimes it excited me. I was comfortable. Maybe comfortable isn't the right word....I got adjusted? I trained myself to expect the worst in no matter what situation because most likely that was going to happen.

I looked at every situation as a game of Russian Roulette, except with only one missing bullet.

It is a constant reminder when I wake up that I am no longer in that world. Meaning the way of thinking I had about everything needed to change, including love and all those awkward gushy feelings that I'll spare you from reading.

So yeah, I think I'll start digging up that grave...especially since someone has come along and truly does deserve it. It is something that will take some time, and I hope they understand, but it is something I am willing to do.

Again, like I warned you in my last post, my mind has been everywhere lately..and yeah, that means my writing will be too. So hopefully some of this made sense and maybe even a few of you can relate. Either way,

Hope all is well & most of all Stay Strong.

Life After Drugs: Brick by Brick

Sorry to have definitely been lagging on the posting. I guess there has been so much going on to where I couldn't even sit down and think of one solid topic to talk about....

And I still couldn't really pick one solid topic yet, but one thing I have been noticing about myself is that my emotions are going haywire lately.

I guess to start off I need to explain a little bit about my past. I don't know if I have talked about any of this before but, more or less I was "trained" to push all sorts of emotions out of the way. So with this in mind, and endless amounts of heroin or some kind of painkillers, this really was not that hard to accomplish. At first, it was difficult to not let some of those emotions squeeze out, but after 7 years of constant practice, it simply became something that was normal.

Photo by: Rob Patrick

Emotions were mostly all faked. For lies, manipulations, etc. So as you might have guessed, that is what the shrink and I have mostly been working on. Letting emotions back through. Slowly...very slowly taking down the tower I had built, brick by brick. And damn did those emotions flood through.

Going though events slowly definitely helped not overloading a process that was already hard to go through.

Ok so fast-forward a little bit to now where most of those bricks have been taken down and emotions and feelings are running full course in my mind again. At first I always think of this as a bad thing, but I know it is an improvement. With drugs, even when we tried to numb ourselves, the bad and hurtful still got through to us. We still felt the pain and the crushing low points we were at. On the other hand, the happy things that we might of experienced were extremely belittled just because it was apart of the process.

Does any of this make sense to you guys. This was at least what happened in my case. Through the seven years of my addiction, I am sure there are many good moments that I had experienced, but honestly if you ask me to make a list I don't think I could go past number....six? Though if asked to make a list of all the bad, the ink in my pen would run out before I could finish.

Alright getting off track. Anyways, my point was that although it might be painful to kind of train yourself to go back to a place to feeling all emotions, I am starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

At first I was so stuck, I didn't know how to rip out those bricks I had bound together so tightly. Talking about it got the brick to budge, but it still would not fully give out. It was one day where there was so much frustration building up, and other things stacking up on top of each other, where for the first time, I just broke down. I cried...and cried...and just let it out.

The full emotion was felt for the first time. And for some reason, the brick now came out with ease.

I think all of us have a mentality where we need to be so strong all the time. And let me know if you think I am wrong, but maybe this is actually counter-productive in this case. I feel we all need to let ourselves be vulnerable at certain times and let everything bottled up just come out. Whether it be talking about it, or simply going through whatever "it" is and just letting ourselves actually feel that emotion that our tower has "protected" us from for so long.

Yes, it definitely can be hard, but I felt soon after I let that emotion be recognized and felt, it was something that was easier to deal with. Don't get me wrong, it is no way near a quick fix kind of method, but it is something that has worked for me when I keep at it. I have to remember that it can't just be all better the first time I try to pull that brick out, it takes some repetition.

After some time I notices my wall was starting to come lower and lower to the ground. Emotions, feelings, and all of that stuff was actually being felt on a daily basis, and it wasn't something I hated anymore. It was becoming my new normal.

We all let our tower or walls get so high when we were in the grasp of our addiction. I think that's why it was, and still is so hard for me to just deal with some things, but the point is, that it is getting easier. And above that, I am actually feeling some kind of happiness again. Not synthetic or chemically induced, but real happiness. Maybe not every day yet, but it has definitely been felt. And yes, that is something I am happy about. Knowing it is still possible to feel that for me, and for all of you.

We just can't give up. 

I don't know guys. As you guys can probably tell my mind has been everywhere lately, which will be evident in the next few posts I will put up. But for now, I think this is where I will end this one.

Stay strong.

Abuse? Rape? Drugs?

"The past is the past."

How many times have we heard that now? I could honestly not even tell you. It isn't even that it makes me mad I guess, just because deep down I know they could not understand. (No Offense)

I get it though, and don't get me wrong I don't completely disagree.

Now before I go on... AGAIN, I AM NO LICENSED THERAPIST OR ANY OTHER OF THAT.

Anyways, as I have said before, different things work for different people. Trying to forget it all and move on? Well, in the most polite way I can say it, there was no worse way for me to try to deal with it.

For a while I was just trying to push the memories out of my mind, using any sort of chemical help I thought would help. The only thing that achieved was a 7 year addiction and two good old overdoses where I ended up waking up in two overly bright hospital rooms. (I don't recommend it)

So then how the hell do we do it? Why can't we just go back to normal?

After some good time of just bouncing that question around in my head during endless walks on the beach, I gave up. There is no normal...

Nah, there is no forgetting that. And no one should even try to, trust me you will make yourself crazy.

So what am I doing now and what the hell does this whole post get to?

My Abuser, my Rapist, the blood that was spilt, and the pain and torture I experienced will be something that will be apart of me for the rest of my life. I've tried the running away, I've tried every synthetic chemical happiness this world has to offer, and, like I am sure you guys know, that doesn't do a whole lot.

I decided I couldn't let him win. They were not going to control my life, nor were the other experiences I was told to forget. These are all events that have already happened. That is something I can not do anything about. I had no other choice but to accept it. Sadly, don't we all?

I can't give you much advice with the unfortunate events that have happened in your life (as sorry as I am), but I can tell you what I did.

I let myself cry. I got angry...really damn angry. I cried more. And I had enough. The bullet had already pierced through my body and all I was doing was letting it bleed out. I saw myself in the mirror and all I saw was that big hole in my chest that was just getting bigger letting more and more of myself escape through it with how I was handling it. Looking up at my face shocked me even more, it just seemed like I was wearing a mask.

I was ready to win this battle. I did everything I could think off every day. At some time I knew that a slow healing process would close up the hole little by little; pieces of that mask were starting to crumble off right along with it.

So now. a few years later from all of that. Well yeah, it still hurts quite a damn lot sometimes, but it controls my life in a completely different way.

My strength comes from what I have endured. My determination comes from what had happened to show myself what exactly I can do. My hope, that I can try to help some other young that have been through some sort of the same thing. But most importantly...

It came down to one simple thing. I WILL DID NOT LET THEM STEAL MY LIFE.

Don't be scared of your previous chapters...after all, it's what makes our story and the ending so damn special. And the cool part about that...is that we have the power to write our ending exactly the way we want.

Picture by: Moyan Brenn

And I don't know about you, but I am nowhere near finished with mine.

Much Love fellow Bloggers.

Oh... Im Just an Addict

Alright so after some time of trying to get ourselves back together after getting sober, we are ready to get back into that scary but exciting world of dating. Let me first say... this seemed so much easier than before haha. Also though, I noticed that I was missing out on many of the pleasant emotions that were numbed out along with all the bad ones.

Anyway, this is more of a reaching out post than anything. Getting back into the "dating world" is always intimidating, but everything really does feel so new. And honestly, I don't know why I am so surprised that everything has been new to me this past year.

But I guess one of the main things that has been constantly worrying me was the immediate comparison that I automatically make the more I like someone. It's just one of those things that start off as a whisper, and eventually turns into an ear-piercing scream. Let me explain:

The more I start to have an interest in someone, the comparisons start. Like say [insert name here] has had a great past, done all these great things, and so and so. As happy as I am for them, one sentence is on repeat going around in my head: "Oh... I'm Just an Addict."

I was really thinking about all of this recently. And the only thing that came to my mind was going back to my dark passenger. For the whole seven years, it was just me, him, and our drugs. My partner in love WAS my dark passenger, and no one else mattered. So in a way I am trying to think of those insecure thoughts as the jealous feelings of my dark passenger. He wants to continue the dangerous love affair that continued for too long, when in fact I know I am better without him.

For anyone who doesn't know, my dark passenger is what I call the thoughts and insecurities branching from my addiction. 

We are all more than just the addicts we used to be. So when it comes to deciding on who our significant other is, I think we just have to make sure they support, and encourage the route of sobriety we chose to take, and not force their own program onto us. That just creates way too much tension which eventually leads to a downfall.

And if you are deciding on the route with someone who has not dealt with addiction, I found that just telling the exact truth seems to work the best. If it is too much for them, then so be it. We all need someone who can accept our past for what it is, and who can support us and reassure us that they truly care.

So even though I may be far away from finding that special someone, at least I know that when I do find him, he will love me for ALL that I am. 

That is something that we all deserve. 

Picture found on: Neuhen Kisler on Flickr

Letter to the Dead Lover

Today...today was interesting. Every two weeks or so I have an appointment with my therapist. It used to be more in the beginning, but now I see him less frequently. I should have known by the dark clouds, rain, and the lightning and thunder that it was going to be a more difficult visit than usual. It definitely was. 

The theme of the visit was basically death. Specifically, the boyfriend I lost due to a Heroin overdose. I will get into that whole story another time. Anyway, he asked me if I had a way of talking to him, what would I say. The second he asked me that question I could feel my body slowly tensing up as the anxiety began to build. The scene of his death kept replaying in my head until I literally had to shake it out. 

Picture by: Karen on Flickr

After the tension began to relieve and my thoughts were once again flowing at a normal rate, I really started to think about the question that had been asked. What would I say to him? Before I knew it, the hour ran out and I still hadn't come up with a response. He thought it would be easier for me to write a letter at home and bring it back next week.

So here we go:

Dear Michael, 

So much has changed throughout the few years. I miss everything about you so much. At first I was so angry. Angry at you, but also angry at myself. I blamed myself. I didn't see it coming, and felt like I should have. I know what you're thinking, and I have come to terms with that it was an accident. Even though you are no longer with us, I want you to know that your memory still helps improve the lives of so many. 

I am proud to say that I have been sober for a little over a year now. We always talked about this moment. You are such a big influence on why I not only decided to get sober, but why I decide to stay sober. I am trying so hard everyday to just live. Live that normal life we wanted so badly. It is harder than I though, but I am starting to get used to it. 

I still have dinner with your mom every now and then. She seems a lot better than before, but she still misses you so much. We all do. She is also now clean. 7 months now I believe. So for both of us, your smile, your laugh, your memory, is that extra little push that we need to keep on going. 

I think the biggest struggle for me is letting someone new in. I know you would want me to move on and find someone new, but it is the letting them in that is the hard part. I don't yet know how to get past this. Honestly, it scares the shit out of me. We always talked about trying our hardest to not let fear get in the way, so the next guy I meet that is worth it I promise to let down my walls. I know you want me to be happy, it just definitely took a lot of rebuilding before I could move on. 

I could go on forever about how much I wish you were still beside me, but you will always still be with me. You still bring a smile to so many and can honestly say that you will never be forgotten. I will continue to fight my struggles with every ounce of strength in me. I know how much you always worried about me, but you don't have to anymore. You deserve the complete peace you were always longing for when you were here. You will always be in my heart, and will never cease to make me smile. 

Love always,                             

Danny                            

That is all I could get out. I don't know if it is good enough yet, but I can't think of much else to condense into one single letter. I also felt like I couldn't get too emotional with it yet. Maybe I will change it later. I don't know, but I do have to say that it did help me. I believe it almost acts as the goodbye I never got to say to him. I can't really put into words why else it helped me, it just kinda did. 

Well until next time beautiful people. 

Drugs.Change.Nostalgia.

Image by: Cliff1066

Nostalgia.

Something that can bring a smile to your face or the exact opposite. I think for the first year or so of sobriety the past shows up quite a bit in your thoughts. At least it most definitely did for me.

I was with a friend today and we both agreed that there are some things from the past that we really miss. And honestly, for quite some time I did not want to move on. I didn't want to let go, or even knew how to. I'm mostly talking about friends and the times that were shared. Maybe I was just young, but I definitely thought that some of the people who I considered  a close friend at the time, were going to remain in my life for a very long time.

I think the reason I wanted to hold on so badly was because right after you get clean, your normal everyday life is so extremely uncomfortable. So badly did I want something I was used to. So badly did I want the group of friends I used to have to come back so I could have just a little bit of that comfortable feeling. Of course, reintroducing them into my life would have been anything but helpful, I just didn't know it then.

Change.

That's all my life was about at that time... and pretty much still is. After some time I knew the only way my life was going to get better was if I not only accepted the change, but also embraced it. That was the part that was even harder. I never really liked change. If I felt comfortable in that moment, I did not see a point of changing anything. But when that change is the only way for you to survive, a choice doesn't really exist anymore.

"You can't cling on to the past because no matter how tightly you try to hold on, it's already gone."

    - Ted Mosby          

Yes, it is a quote from one of the main characters in How I met Your Mother. You have to agree though, he had a damn good point. The more we try to hold on, the further back we are going to have to reach. The further back we reach, the harder it is to keep our balance and move forward like we need to.

Happiness.

That is where I wanna be. I am not yet completely there, but I feel I am on my way. I definitely realized it was nowhere to be seen in my past. Actually, it was just the opposite. My past was full of despair, loneliness, death, tragedy, danger, and more death. I know most of you who have struggled with addiction can definitely relate to that. And I was definitely sick of all that. So I wanted to try...I needed to try to change.

It is now a little over a year and there has definitely been lots of changes. For the most part, things are... OK right now. Just kind of trying to figure out what it is I really want to do with my life. My hope for the future is definitely what keeps me going though. I want to prove myself wrong when I kept saying I'm always going to be the Addict. I know I can become something I will be proud of. We all can.

At the end of the day, all that matters is that we keep going. The past contains nothing but broken memories and numbed out emotions. So it is the future I look forward to. It will be a damn long journey, but I already know it will be rewarding. We all know what our lowest point was like, but we still have no idea what our highest point 

can be.

And that is something that we all deserve to find out.