How Can I Help?

How can I help? What a strong question that gets belittled each and every day. Do we really mean it when we say it?

Anyway, it's the title of a book I had to read for a class I was taking. Not to sound like a preacher, but I definitely think this is a book we should all read.

Whatever we are going through, I feel this brook will help you look at things just a bit differently. It really made me think; how I looked at life, the world around me, and the things I am doing every single day.

To be perfectly honest, sometimes the book made me feel like shit. But don't get me wrong, it is still an amazing book.

How can I describe it? I guess the title says it all. It not only makes you ask yourself how you can help the people and world around you, but even more importantly, it makes you think about how you can help yourself.

From anything I have learned in sobriety, which still doesn't even amount too much, is that we all need to help ourselves first. Before anything else we try to tackle with someone else.

Whether it is be being depressed as hell, angry as shit, or just craving that chemical help that we addicts were so fond of, it makes us really look deep inside ourselves and reach into the guts and messy shit we stored in the back of our minds that we don't want to deal with.

Trust me, I know that sounds terrible; just writing it made me realize that. But it helps you figure out the questions we need to ask ourselves to bring the fucked up shit to the front of the mind without having to kick it away with all your might. It does it in a subtle way that also gives you the strength the follow through.

I know, I've been writing more of a book review than a blog post, but I felt like I had to share this book. It's got nothing to do with AA or NA, but just plain old yourself and the world in the way you see it. It has already helped me figure some stuff out, and showed me things that I really need to work on. I'm sure it can, if not help you, change your perspective on some things in a positive way.

Alright, I'm done ranting. Just wanted to share something I thought might help.

Stay Strong Beautiful People

That's what the saying is right? New year, new me?



Is it really true? Are we really flourishing into a brand new people. Probably not. Can we? I mean, I think it could be possible.

Maybe... no not really. I'm not trying to be a negative sally though so just hold on a second.

It's definitely not as easy as it seems, to change completely. We are all stuck in our ways, ways that might not be the ones that are making us as happy as we wish they would.

So instead of deciding on a, 'New Year New Me' kind of situation, I wanted to make a 'New Year, Better me'

That one,  is definitely possible.

I feel most of us fail to accomplish what we set out to be our resolutions because we tend to overwhelm ourselves with changing into this new person. I don't think this is something that is needed. I don't even think it is something positive.

No matter what, we are all beautiful people. Things that are occurring on the outside world might just not be making us happy.

Whether its the guy not making us happy; our body isn't how we want it to be; whether or not we want to keep doing this or that... you get the point.

That got me thinking if it is our behaviors that lead to those outside events. After all, our word is shaped by how we perceive things and how we react to those thoughts.

The resolutions we tend to set are sometimes things that we already know are not going to be accomplished the second we write them down, or make a mental note of them though and punish ourselves when we "fail."

A quick example in my own life was that I wanted to go to the gym a few times a week and so on. But, I knew life was going to get in the way sometimes and other times, I might just not want to.
"Be more active" is what replaced it.

Some of you might not agree with my easier on thy self perspective, but I know for some, it might do well. Especially if, like me, you are recovering from an addiction.

Setting goals that are actually within your grasp and those that you will not hate yourself for setting in the first place, will be much more rewarding. It is then after your reach some of those goals that you can continue to work up to what you eventually want to accomplish.

What I am trying to get to really, is make 2016 a year that you are nicer to yourself. Be more compassionate, and don't be too hard on yourself.

Those are some of the most destructive patterns of thinking when it comes to happiness and your own self-perception.

I know for myself, it is what made 2015 a particular difficult year, when I don't think it really had to be.

 

Always remember...

"Still around the corner there may wait, a new road, or a secret gate" 

- J.R.R Tolkien

Birthday Blues: Drug Residue

"I was 100% sure that I would be dead by now. And I technically did die twice. What other bullshit am I gonna have to go through in order for it to just all end already."

Those were some of my last sentences I wrote in my journal. A few months later I walked into rehab.

Ok, lets rewind a little....

So I just recently turned 24. Its still weird to say this when my birthday comes with each passing year in sobriety. As I look at those pages and read the ink that was thrown down, I can't believe that THAT was me. I wrote those words. But at the same time, i remember feeling and fully believing that. I would not live past 21. I just wouldn't. And that was fine.

Image by: Pink Sherbet Photography

I was wrapped up in the suffocating grip of addiction, and people in my life were disappearing to the left and right of me. I remember thinking that the past few years has been a drawn out game of russian roulette, but, "the excitement of some of the highs were worth the lows."

That was what I was trying to convince myself for the first few years. it was only after having to set flowers at another few graves that I realized lows were all that were left.

Well Back To Now

So as I mentioned, it was just my birthday a few days ago. As much as my view has changed, and trust me they have changed, I once again get the.. birthday blues, I guess you would call them.

Whatever you wanna call it, I slipped into a hole of depression. But its not the same kind of depression that I am accustomed to battling throughout the year. It's something different. My dark passenger seems to be reminding me, louder than usual, about the years that I wasted. About the possibilities that might of been right in front of me, but I was too doped up to even slightly see them.

Once again, my mind was being pulled back into the past, while thinking about the things I most likely fucked up in the future. This is such a reoccurring shit storm that enters my head and brings me down, but usually around my birthday is when it gets the worst.

What needs to happen

For some reason, I have been on an audiobook binge recently, and the latest book I have been listening to is, "10% Happier," by Dan Harris.  Yes, I have ben reverting to self-help books. I know, I know. Keep with me though.

I was stuck in traffic somewhere on the freeway while I heard Harris say something that strangely picked me up and changed my view just a little. But I think it was just that little bit that I needed so that I knew what to do.

I can't remember if this is exactly right, but it pretty much said,

"If you have one foot in the past, and one in the future, you are pissing on the present."

Why this quote sparked something in my mind, I have no idea. But it did. I'm not saying it lifted these birthday blues Im going through, but it is definitely helping.

...I think I know what to do...

Well sort of.

I'm always thinking about the past. One way or another. I know it's impossible to just never think of it again, but what I mean is that I think about it in relation to how much I fucked up what could have been. How much it fucks with relationships I am in because of the flashbacks and insecurities. Stuff of that sort. And if my main goal is happiness, this kind of thinking is definitely not going to get me anywhere. 

So then the easy answer would be to bring that foot from the past, forward to the present... right? Of course when it comes to real life, it is always easier said than done, but I know it is something that CAN be done..though it may take a lot of practice. 

I've heard many say that you need to live completely in the present, and not think about the future or else the only thing you will lead yourself to is disappointment.

I dont know if it is just me being stubborn, but I dont accept that at all. I feel like with a foot being in the present, the other foot (or at least half) should in fact be in the future. I know for myself, I need to make commitments and set goals so that I can work towards something. It brings meaning to the present in those difficult moments when we have trouble finding any. 

And when I think of the future in that aspect, I can spend the rest of my energy figuring out what to do in the present in order to get to where I want to be. 

We all have worked way to hard to let the demons of the past take control of even more time in our lives. 

Stay strong bloggers. My rambling is done for now. 

With Much Love,

D.Z.

A small reminder to save your day

When you listen to your ego, you will never be good enough, someone will always be better. Your ego will never let you rest. 

Being able to ignore that voice may just be the most valuable lesson one can learn. 

-You are always good enough & the only one we should be comparing ourselves to, is ourselves-  

Drugs, Addiction, and the Future?

Image by: Lara Cores

There has been so much on my mind lately. With being concerned with me still trying to fix some of the wreckage that my addict self managed to leave behind, to me being back in school, which leads to me thinking about my future, which I realized actually really scares the shit out of me. 

Before it, whatever the future was, never really crossed my mind. Or if it did, it was there only for a few seconds before the next wave of codeine washed it away. So now that my sea of codeine is (thankfully) all dried up, so many new things are in front of me. 

Don't get my wrong , I'm not complaining... It's just that back then, the "future" had a completely different meaning. Most of it having to do with trying to forget the past, and trying to sell enough so I had enough money to live an addict's version of comfortable, and have enough pills or whatever to get me by. I even found my old diary, and numerous pages includes me thinking I wasn't going make it past 25. 

So first of all... Fuck that. I will happily live past 25! We all should! Besides, why would I wanna miss being able to rent a car by myself. Can you say, MILESTONE?!

 But in all honesty, finding those pages was definitely strange. I didn't recognize the person who wrote those fading words. I didn't even want to.

Original Image by: Emdot   (I distorted it a bit)

So then I started to revisit the thoughts on my future. As much as they scared me, I saw excitement somewhere in that same fear. It might take a good while... It will Definitely take some time to fight and get readjusted to life without addiction in the drivers seat, 2 years for me now, but as I look back, and when I read those pages... This strange, new, scary, emotional, and hard life is still what I would choose instead of the previous. 

There's so much left to be discovered, to experience, to be felt... That most likely sounded corny, but it's true. Stick with me. 

There is all this stuff I am finding out about myself. Some might be strange to you..... Like it was for me when I discovered the secret nerd in me who loved studying and learning. Didn't see that one coming. 

So really, who knows what the future has in store for us. Worrying about it, well, doesn't do shit but make everything more stressful. Without being tied down to addiction, that whole saying... what is it, "you can be anything you want if you try hard enough," or something of that sort, might actually be true. 

I guess the point is that.. Well we aren't tied down. We can work towards anything without worrying about having enough of whatever our poison of choice was, or if there is a dealer in this or that city, or any of that stuff. And I don't know about you, but I wanna find out what I can actually do. For myself of course, and also as (excuse the language) a fuck you to those who thought/said we wouldn't amount to anything. 

It might not be easy getting there, but I am almost 100 percent sure it is going to be so much more worth it to work and find our potential. Whatever the hell that might be. 

In the end, I guess the future will be the result of a whole bunch of "right now's". So then I guess it's just right now that I have to think about. And right now, is always completely in our control. And right now, thanks to this little therapy session(?), I'm doing alright, no longer terrified of that future thats been occupying my mind for a while. 

You guys (blogging community) are my strength a lot of the times, so for that I need to say THANK YOU. Stay strong everyone.

What do you guys think?

"We all have a few failures under our belt. It's what makes us ready for the successes." – Randy K. Milholland

And just to add on to what this man said, I don't think they only make us ready.

Those failures are what make you appreciate the successes so much more.

I mean, I think it took 8 years of addiction and constant f*cking up and failing at things when I was using to appreciate and feel awesome about even just getting an A in a class this semester while sober and going to school.

I mean it definitely took a while to see some things like that, and I think I still have a while to go to take this quote and put it to all the failures under my belt...but I am damn willing to work, wait, and see what success will be greater than some of these failures.

It is something we all deserve to see.

Addiction & Frustration & Writing

And this is how the shit-storm all starts again… that is, if I let it.

Summer has officially started which means no more classes and no homework, which all comes down to having nothing to keep me busy.

Complaining about not having homework and classes…yeah, it even surprises me.

After drugs, I think we all try to avoid that dangerous feeling of being bored. What’s that saying? “Idle hands are the devils playground?” Guess I now understand it.

I’m sure most of my fellow “recovering” addicts out there can agree with me when I say, it fucking drives me nuts Just sitting there can make your brain pull out all sorts of memories from the very back corner of your mind that brings out…what were those things we were trying to numb out? Oh yeah…emotions.

 

Image by: Mindaugas

Well I knew I needed to keep myself busy, so the first thing that popped into my head was writing. So here I am, just letting the words flow out. Like many of you, writing just…well I guess I can only describe it as something I NEED to do. The best form of therapy I know.

So one thing I need to do is get back involved in the blogging world. I know it always helps me, somehow I just never end up posting the things I write. I guess it’s a confidence thing? Don’t think it’s, “good enough,” or something like that.

Then I thought about it… I can’t let my insecurities stop me from doing what I love, not anymore. That is after all where that happiness comes from that we are always looking for right?

Besides, the responses or messages you get from the people you meet while blogging, can literally make your day sometimes. I know many of you have for me. (THANK YOU!)

So, besides blogging I have also decided to finally try writing my novel that has been on my to-do list since I was 7…or somewhere around there. So if any of you are writing out there, and have advice, I would LOVE to hear it.

To end, I guess being bored can also be a good thing. It gives you an opportunity to try something new, find a new hobby, or write every random word going on in your head. The hard part is just getting started.

Stay strong everyone. And have a good night.

One Wall at a Time: After Addiction

There comes a time in "recovery" where those issues we were ignoring and numbing out are finally just closing in on us. That, or we get put in a situation where we built walls to protect ourselves from getting hurt. We as addicts can get really creative in finding all sorts of ways not to deal with our problems.

I know I certainly would think of anything to run away from something potentially painful.

Image by: Ian Sane

Anyway, I was talking to someone the other day who was basically telling me that they were being told to take all their walls down. Like it is something that easy to do...
In my opinion, this isn't something that should be done all at once. We spent years building up these walls, and most of the time for a pretty damn good reason. And just like real walls, if you knock them down all at once, it could just result in a big, cluttered, mess.

Don't get me wrong, if this is something that works best for you, then that's awesome. It just definitely did not for me, as well as a lot of the people I know.

Being in recovery for me, felt like I had to basically relearn how to basically live again. I am sure you guys can relate. Everything felt different. Hell, even driving felt different, I couldn't even stay in the lines at first when I got sober.

Getting back to what I was saying, having to relearn everything was already hard enough of a task to take on. I couldn't imagine dealing with all of my mental walls and what-note at once. I tried to, but that only led to a relapse... soooo I decided that probably wasn't going to be the right path for me.

Getting used to this new life was something I wanted, more so needed, to do first. Most of the issues and walls I built had to do with close relationships, and at that time, I knew I was nowhere near being ready for a new relationship. Even some basic issues, something like.... trust, just in general, I put off until a bit later until I was at least comfortable with me before I added anyone else into the picture. I guess this is where people say we need to "be selfish and think of ourselves first." I don't think it is a selfish act though, more of a brave one actually.

So that's what happened. I got to a point where I felt comfortable enough with the regular day again, before I decided to tackle anything that could potentially break the already unstable ground I was walking on. Besides, in the beginning, sometimes... just sometimes, those walls are the only thing still holding us up.

Now again, this is what I, MYSELF, needed to do. I couldn't handle multiple things at once. I know some of you guys can and that is great for you guys, but I definitely wasn't as capable. Like almost everything having to do with addiction, what helps one person will not be helpful for the next.

Guess I just wanted to say that we shouldn't be afraid to take it slow. We shouldn't be afraid to go at our own pace. Some put a set timeline on handling these things when everyone has a different way of handling their problems.

Just had to get some thoughts out.

Now I'm ready to jump into bed. Stay strong bloggers =]

Danny

After Drugs: Talking To Yourself

Damn, it had been quite a while since I have found myself able to just sit down and actually spill my thoughts on this blog. But, shit does it feel good!

As some of you know, I have been quite absent for a few months now. I got myself back in college and finally, for the first time in my life, am actually getting nothing but A's. Trust me, every time I go online to check my grades, I am still shocked to see that letter under my name. I even noticed I liked all the stress and work that came with school. Weird for me. Anyway.

Not trying to brag here... although it might seem like it. But I'm mentioning this stuff for two reasons.

1). A few months back, I remember being so beat to shit down. All I could think about is wasting 8 years of my life I wasted gathering up pills and separating foil. "I'm so late in life." That's all I could think about. Also, If you have read some of my previous blogs, you know by now that I call the negativity in my head my dark passenger. Separating those thoughts in my head and personifying them kinda helped me I guess. Anyways, I got to a point where he was getting me to a point where the only thing in my head was how far behind I was with the rest of the world. And if my life could even go somewhere still.    

2) I stopped bitching. And trust me that was harder than I thought. I realized all I was doing was trying to shove my dark passenger out of my head... until his next opportunity to show up (which most of the time was in the next few hours). I did this little dance of pushing my dark passenger away, have the negativity appear again, and then having to ignore them once again.

I think most of us know that this can only go on for so long before it makes us question almost everything were doing. That, along with driving us half mad.

Anyways, I started thinking... really really thinking about everything overall. We all have already worked so hard. The people I have had the pleasure of reading about and meeting on this site, are all of the strongest people I have ever met. So there is no way in hell we can give up now.

Instead of just trying to silence my dark passenger for a certain amount of time, I wanted to continue the fight so many of us are already in the middle of. Change that voice in your head. If you can't, be the positive side to argue with the negative one. Talk to yourself.  Might sound crazy, but the negativity can not rule our lives. Not after everything all of you have already accomplished.

The point of me mentioning what I did in the beginning of this post, was that I wanted to prove to myself that I could actually do something I didn't think I could do. I wanted to prove that I needed to believe in myself more, so that I can actually move forward. I might not be where I want to just yet...shit I am far from it, but I will continue to work to get closer.

I hope you will with me.

It is something that we all deserve. Something that ultimately leads to what we all want... happiness.

Don't Live Dead

Alright so the year has officially settled in and most of us are getting back to our regular routines. I am even already starting to write down the correct year when I am required to enter the date (good sign!). But still being so early in the new year, I feel so many of us still continue to reflect on the previous year in all different kinds of ways.

We think about 2013 and think about all those moments that really stick out. The funny, the surprising, the happy, and so on. But I feel some of the moments that stick out the most are the ones that can be considered the, "bad," ones. Everyone's bad of last year is most likely different and can vary from the ones that hurt the most, or the ones that stick out in your head that continues to be something you want to change or do something about. I mean, for a lot of us, this is where our, "New Year's Resolutions" come from right?

So I was minding my own business at my favorite Coffee House, and there was a few people sitting close to me that were having a certain conversation. Ok... so that's where the minding my own business kinda came to a stop. Sorry group of 4 or 5 strangers.

Anyways, the conversation was all based on the year and a certain...quote I guess you could call it, that I am sure everyone has heard some kind of version of. I forget which one they read because I didn't want to add to my creepy level and get closer to their computer screen, but it was the one that basically states that hopes and expectations are the main cause for pain. To sum up everything, they were saying that for this year they will try to not have any hopes and get rid of their expectations.

Ok hold up, I don't usually do this..ya know, do the creepy listening in on thing, but it was about something I had just seen going around like crazy on Tumblr and was planning on writing about anyway...so that's my excuse.

Anyhow. Don't hold me to this but I think it was Shakespeare that was first quoted with this? Well, I remember hearing it or seeing it around quite a few times already throughout my life. Every single time I would whole-heartedly agree. Even after I got out of rehab I was still in agreeance...and to be completely honest, I have to fight myself to push that mindset away still sometimes to this day.

I remember the day that I really thought about this whole idea for quite some time. Actually trying to live life without any expectations or hopes. So no expectations for the day to be good, no expectations for your friends or family to treat you well or anything like that. And then for the getting rid of our hopes bit. Having no hope. Sure, goals can still be made , but the hope and expectations we usually have to get there, just would not exist. So in the end, if the goal is not reached, or you think you "failed" at something, would there still be no pain? If we did not have expectations of the people we decide to keep close , would we still be affected by them treating us wrongly? Could we still just shrug it off, walk away and just forget about it?

 

Image by: Nina Matthews

Maybe, maybe not. But all I know is that hope and expectations have done a lot of good in my life. Keeping my expectations of how I should be treated and how any kind of relationship should go about in my life needs a few expectations. Not many, but just a few. I know for a while when I didn't have expectations from my partner, not only did it get abusive, but simply nothing about it was good. The people we DECIDE to keep in our lives should be the ones that we know that truly care. So we SHOULD be able to hold them to certain expectations. Ones that we should of course be held to as well. Being nice, caring, showing empathy, love and care...you know, things like that.  I feel it is not only a matter of respecting others, but also having to do with having respect for ourselves. 

And for my quick opinion on trying not to have any hope. Sure it can be possible, but is it something we really want. For a long time hope was something that was completely lacking in my life; I couldn't find it anywhere I looked. 

Looking back, I think I was scared. Maybe scared to see something I hadn't in almost a decade, a world of possibilities...a "normal" world. I had no idea what a normal world could be anymore, but I didn't know if I could handle the challenges of sobriety. 

The way I see it now? Hope is something we should all have. In fact, maybe even something we need. If not, the short and fragile life we have will not only become dull, but will be a waste of everyones talents and possibilities. Our hope is what pushes us to keep going. Our hope is what keeps us from giving up. Our hope is what keeps our spirit alive. 

Just because we haven't gotten somewhere, only means we haven't gotten there yet. That's definitely something I have learned in my short year and a half of sobriety. And one thing I can promise you all, is that if I didn't regain my hope in thinking I could even get to where I am now, I most likely would not still be here writing this right now. 

So in the end, keep those hopes and expectations. It might just save your spirit, and even your life as it did mine. 

Changing the Old, Starting the New...right?

Wait...a new year already? 

Image by: Dan Moyle

Well, first off I would like to say sorry for the lack of consistency in my writing. I have been traveling quite a lot where I almost just wanted to let my mind wander and collect some random thoughts. Which brings us to now.

To start, Happy New Year! All the sudden, 2013 has rushed by and 2014 has now arrived. Now, I am not usually one to make resolutions, but this year I guess I sort of did come up with my own year long challenges. 

Like I said I have been doing a lot of self-reflection lately in my time of being absent here. I also have just read through some of my old posts, journal entries (especially those which did not make it on here to my blog), and came up with...I guess you could call them "resolutions"...but I'm gonna stick with challenges =] Anyways, they were quite simple ones, so I am hoping I will be able to carry them out throughout the year. The first one I think can relate to us all. 

       1. Be Nicer to Myself - I think we all could have this as a "resolution." I know for many of us, we are our own worst enemy. Or in the case of my "dark passenger," have them inside us. Especially now after reading some of my past journal entries that I did not post, I prevented myself to having chance to be happy just because of how I was thinking. The negative thoughts in me were still so loud (and sometimes they definitely still are) that they can quite literally steal the happiness that could be right around the corner. Let us make 2014 a year where we try our hardest to fight off the negativity that tries its hardest to control our lives. Don't get me wrong, I know there are definitely going to be times where it just doesn't even seem possible. But all I am saying, at least for myself, is that I am going to try as hard as I can, harder than I ever have before, to  push the negativity out as much as I can. 

       2. Uncensored Writings  - For myself, I have decided that all my entries that I write in my journal, need to be posted. There are certain ones that I leave in there just because at the time they were written, things were happening that just made the posts much more negative than positive. But I was thinking...this is MY blog. At first, I was scared that posting some of those entries would spread the negativity going on in my head (I still really hope this does not happen). But on my blog, in order for me to write consistently and honestly, I need to include the hardships and negativity that is trying to fight its way to control my head.

I know some people are really good at just letting the positive in and pushing all the negative out, but in no case is that me. Plus, I have truly seen the community that is here in the blogosphere and have already received the kindest of words and help from people. Something I definitely did not expect to happen so soon. So if any of you have criticisms, advice, thoughts, or anything else, I would love to hear them on any post. 

Again, blogging has already been such a blessing for me. Just that so many different people have reached out, already means so much. It has definitely shown me that with what I was going through, I am not alone. In part, this is why I wanted to include everything, including some of the very dark or negative moments, in my posts. So that if someone is out there, going through the same thing, they too can know they are not alone. Just knowing that one simple fact saved my life once upon a time. 

I strongly believe we are all in this together. Life can consist of so many unpleasant moments where being able to just let it out and get some support can have so much positive power... and definitely even kickstart someones healing process like it did mine. 

Anyways, so I guess those were my two resolutions... or challenges...or goals.. or whatever you wanna call them for the next year. 2014

A new year and an opportunity to wipe the slate clean. 

Did you guys make resolutions?

Psychological Warfare of Addiction

Help. Such a simple word, yet one that seems impossible to pass through our lips sometimes. I know this is definitely the case for me. Even in the most critical moments, moments that quite possibly could determine the rest of my life, that one stupid word seems to just not be an option at all, hiding in the very corner of my mind.

If there is one thing I can tell you about me, is that in person I can seem incredibly closed off. I guess a lot of us can be, which is why writing turns out to be such a blessing sometimes. In fact, at times I don't even know what the hell is going on in my head until it goes down on paper.

Help. Why is this word so hard for me to say. I don't know. If I had look back at my past, I remember me being the one finding most of the friends that had unfortunately overdosed or killed themselves most of the time. Too many. And it was me who had to tell the rest of my circle. It was me who was there to help some of the parents cope (I was a very functional addict so they had no idea I was involved in the same world).

I was already pretty good at turning that emotional switch off in my head, so I felt I just had to take care of the others. There wasn't another option. And I guess from then on, everything just stayed that way.

I have to say I was doing alright the past few months. At least I think I was. Like I said, most of the times I don't know what is going on in my head without a paper and a pen. But even with those in hand, I can't figure out what it was in the recent weeks that triggered the mind game my dark passenger decided to put into play.

Help. I can feel him trying to take control of the wheel and it's definitely getting harder to fight him off. To be completely honest, I'm scared that there are times where I almost want to let him win. The dreams of death, and the flashbacks of emotional floods haven't stopped for quite some time now and it's definitely taken a toll.

Image by: Sarah

If the psychological warfare doesn't cease any time soon I don't know what is going to happen, and that is not a chance I am willing to take. Tomorrow, I will go to my MD, and be completely honest about how I feel. I just can't wait to see what comes blubbering out of my mouth. 

So yes, help will finally be asked for.

Finally following my own advice. I mean shit, we all need help at some point right?        (YES)

Anyway, STAY STRONG BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE

Alright I need some opinions from you guys please

Not meaning to start a debate, but I do need some clarity.

What is everyone's opinion on ? 

Should it only be something considered for short term treatment or is it also something that could be used for long term if needed?

I have read so many different articles/blogs about both sides so I just wanted to get more views on this

Graveyard of Death & Love

So I don't know if you have been keeping up with the last few posts, but for a real quick catch up:

Dealing with a lot currently, which leads to me thinking a lot. I think any Addict can tell you that can be dangerous.

All caught up? Maybe?

Anyways. I was also talking about how I had to slowly teach myself to allow emotion back into my life. And I am sure much of you have or are doing the same thing.

So what happens when you think you are doing well and all the sudden you walk into a wall you never even knew you had built.         How exciting...something else to work on right?

That treasure chest of emotions that come with love, our hearts, and trust, had all been buried in the dust. Looking back, I can't say I am surprised. With all that was "needed" to be done; Faking relationships for manipulation, seeing love and its meaning crumble all around, and loosing more than a few friends as well as a lover in my arms. Yeah, I can say that was the one that truly did it.

I might not of buried them myself, but I definitely handed my heart to the gravedigger to finish the job.

Picture by: LadyDragonFly

Now a few years later, when someone came around who might make me want to dig up that treasure chest, I found myself just standing in front of that grave frozen in fear, shovel in hand.

Back then I stuck to a simple rule. Relationships (of any kind) means loss. So naturally I stayed away from anything real with the possibility of what I thought was a ticking time bomb of overwhelming pain. In my mind I had already felt that blast too many times before.

Back to now. So many of my thoughts have already changed, so I figured this might me an important one to figure out. The biggest thing I am trying to change is to see it is an opportunity for happiness in an actual healthy relationship.

Is it that word that scares me? Happiness? I think it really did come to a point where I was comfortable in the world of chaos I was living in. The chaotic world filled with death, danger, and drugs was a constant day-to-day normal. And to be completely honest, I think sometimes it excited me. I was comfortable. Maybe comfortable isn't the right word....I got adjusted? I trained myself to expect the worst in no matter what situation because most likely that was going to happen.

I looked at every situation as a game of Russian Roulette, except with only one missing bullet.

It is a constant reminder when I wake up that I am no longer in that world. Meaning the way of thinking I had about everything needed to change, including love and all those awkward gushy feelings that I'll spare you from reading.

So yeah, I think I'll start digging up that grave...especially since someone has come along and truly does deserve it. It is something that will take some time, and I hope they understand, but it is something I am willing to do.

Again, like I warned you in my last post, my mind has been everywhere lately..and yeah, that means my writing will be too. So hopefully some of this made sense and maybe even a few of you can relate. Either way,

Hope all is well & most of all Stay Strong.

Life After Drugs: Brick by Brick

Sorry to have definitely been lagging on the posting. I guess there has been so much going on to where I couldn't even sit down and think of one solid topic to talk about....

And I still couldn't really pick one solid topic yet, but one thing I have been noticing about myself is that my emotions are going haywire lately.

I guess to start off I need to explain a little bit about my past. I don't know if I have talked about any of this before but, more or less I was "trained" to push all sorts of emotions out of the way. So with this in mind, and endless amounts of heroin or some kind of painkillers, this really was not that hard to accomplish. At first, it was difficult to not let some of those emotions squeeze out, but after 7 years of constant practice, it simply became something that was normal.

Photo by: Rob Patrick

Emotions were mostly all faked. For lies, manipulations, etc. So as you might have guessed, that is what the shrink and I have mostly been working on. Letting emotions back through. Slowly...very slowly taking down the tower I had built, brick by brick. And damn did those emotions flood through.

Going though events slowly definitely helped not overloading a process that was already hard to go through.

Ok so fast-forward a little bit to now where most of those bricks have been taken down and emotions and feelings are running full course in my mind again. At first I always think of this as a bad thing, but I know it is an improvement. With drugs, even when we tried to numb ourselves, the bad and hurtful still got through to us. We still felt the pain and the crushing low points we were at. On the other hand, the happy things that we might of experienced were extremely belittled just because it was apart of the process.

Does any of this make sense to you guys. This was at least what happened in my case. Through the seven years of my addiction, I am sure there are many good moments that I had experienced, but honestly if you ask me to make a list I don't think I could go past number....six? Though if asked to make a list of all the bad, the ink in my pen would run out before I could finish.

Alright getting off track. Anyways, my point was that although it might be painful to kind of train yourself to go back to a place to feeling all emotions, I am starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

At first I was so stuck, I didn't know how to rip out those bricks I had bound together so tightly. Talking about it got the brick to budge, but it still would not fully give out. It was one day where there was so much frustration building up, and other things stacking up on top of each other, where for the first time, I just broke down. I cried...and cried...and just let it out.

The full emotion was felt for the first time. And for some reason, the brick now came out with ease.

I think all of us have a mentality where we need to be so strong all the time. And let me know if you think I am wrong, but maybe this is actually counter-productive in this case. I feel we all need to let ourselves be vulnerable at certain times and let everything bottled up just come out. Whether it be talking about it, or simply going through whatever "it" is and just letting ourselves actually feel that emotion that our tower has "protected" us from for so long.

Yes, it definitely can be hard, but I felt soon after I let that emotion be recognized and felt, it was something that was easier to deal with. Don't get me wrong, it is no way near a quick fix kind of method, but it is something that has worked for me when I keep at it. I have to remember that it can't just be all better the first time I try to pull that brick out, it takes some repetition.

After some time I notices my wall was starting to come lower and lower to the ground. Emotions, feelings, and all of that stuff was actually being felt on a daily basis, and it wasn't something I hated anymore. It was becoming my new normal.

We all let our tower or walls get so high when we were in the grasp of our addiction. I think that's why it was, and still is so hard for me to just deal with some things, but the point is, that it is getting easier. And above that, I am actually feeling some kind of happiness again. Not synthetic or chemically induced, but real happiness. Maybe not every day yet, but it has definitely been felt. And yes, that is something I am happy about. Knowing it is still possible to feel that for me, and for all of you.

We just can't give up. 

I don't know guys. As you guys can probably tell my mind has been everywhere lately, which will be evident in the next few posts I will put up. But for now, I think this is where I will end this one.

Stay strong.

"Does Relapsing Make Me A Failure?"

A few days ago it was one of those unfortunate days where I woke up from a text from a friend that I had met while in Rehab. 

"Danny, I did something stupid."

That was all it said, but I already knew what had happened. As much as I hated getting those texts, they are better than the ones from a loved one saying that they have passed. I think we can all agree with that. 

I got myself out of bed and got myself physically, as well as emotionally ready to handle what was about to become of my day. Of course I was going to help, there was no question about it, but I always seem to forget just how much it can take out of me emotionally. Especially when you see one you care about going through those agonizing withdrawals that us addicts are just all too familiar with. 

I got there and it was just as expected. The normal symptoms of withdrawal had already kicked in. I hated not being able to really help. Natural remedies and support was all I had to offer at that time. 

After calming down a little and her being able to get some words out, I was just in...I don't even know how to explain it really. The words that were spilling out of her mouth made me so incredibly sad, but yet were so dangerously familiar. 

After quite some time, I had to leave to follow-up on some errands I had to take care of. Still though, the scene I had just left would not leave my mind. I really started to think about the sentences she was putting together and noticed it really connected to one main thing: Guilt. 

Now, as I have said before, I am not in the traditional 12-step programs but have nothing against them. It just simply was not for me. She was so scared what the others in her program, or group, would think when she would have to announce it. But with anyone, I feel it can be that exact guilt that could drive us to the next bottle, or pipe hit. We don't want to deal with the aftermath of having "failed." 

That is when it really just got to me. There is such a big concentration in the world of Addiction that relapse means failure. To me, I think that just does the exact opposite of what it needs to do. I was trying to explain to her that she did not relapse, she had a "slip." 

Anyone coming from a hardcore addiction knows how truly miserable it can be sometimes to stay clean and sober throughout the toughest times of  the new life we are trying to lead. 

I mean personally from my experience, when I relapsed, the guilt came rushing in as soon as that codeine blanket lifted just a little. And for me it was that guilt that just kept getting me to the next bottle of pills, or black tar. At that point, I would have rather kept digging a deeper hole for myself than to talk about what I thought was just another failure in my life. 

Don't get me wrong, I still consider relapsing, or having a slip as a serious matter, but how serious is completely in our own head. As addicts, I think it just comes natural to be super critical of ourselves anyway, so when the slip up happens, we go right back to what we were used to doing ... hiding those emotions.

The way I look at it now, is that it is just once again my dark passenger trying to lure ourselves in that same hole we had become so accustomed to, but managed to get out of. 

So alright, lets say we make that mistake and use when we have tried so hard not to. The fact of the matter is, at that point the shovel is just placed in your hands. It is completely our choice if we decide please our own dark passenger and dig that hole for ourselves. So from there on I believe we have two  choices we can make. 

1. We stay critical of ourselves, please our dark passenger, and dig that all too familiar hole of darkness that is agonizing to get out from.                      OR
2. We realize that as addicts, and just like EVERYONE else, we are not perfect. We slipped. We caught the shovel our dark passenger tossed in our hands, BUT all we have to do now is just drop it and walk away. 

Picture By: Kelly Sikkema on Flickr

Mistakes are made everyday, but lessons come right after those mistakes. I myself have a good talent for being overly critical of myself, but when I think about it as a kind of situation I just described up above, my mind starts to be at ease much faster. 

Sobriety takes time. Sobriety takes practice. Sobriety takes commitment. Sobriety takes strength. 

None of us are failures. It bothers me when I hear addicts talk about themselves that way. 

No, we are all part of the force that won the battle against our addiction. The war might continue for quite some time, and yes, just like in any war we might gather up some battle wounds. So relax, let the wounds heal for some time, and get right back to the fight. 

You are all some of the strongest people this world has to offer. Just in order to see that, that fog of negativity we constantly immerse ourselves in needs to be evaporated for that message to be clear. 

Stay strong fellow bloggers. 

And as always, much love. 

Abuse? Rape? Drugs?

"The past is the past."

How many times have we heard that now? I could honestly not even tell you. It isn't even that it makes me mad I guess, just because deep down I know they could not understand. (No Offense)

I get it though, and don't get me wrong I don't completely disagree.

Now before I go on... AGAIN, I AM NO LICENSED THERAPIST OR ANY OTHER OF THAT.

Anyways, as I have said before, different things work for different people. Trying to forget it all and move on? Well, in the most polite way I can say it, there was no worse way for me to try to deal with it.

For a while I was just trying to push the memories out of my mind, using any sort of chemical help I thought would help. The only thing that achieved was a 7 year addiction and two good old overdoses where I ended up waking up in two overly bright hospital rooms. (I don't recommend it)

So then how the hell do we do it? Why can't we just go back to normal?

After some good time of just bouncing that question around in my head during endless walks on the beach, I gave up. There is no normal...

Nah, there is no forgetting that. And no one should even try to, trust me you will make yourself crazy.

So what am I doing now and what the hell does this whole post get to?

My Abuser, my Rapist, the blood that was spilt, and the pain and torture I experienced will be something that will be apart of me for the rest of my life. I've tried the running away, I've tried every synthetic chemical happiness this world has to offer, and, like I am sure you guys know, that doesn't do a whole lot.

I decided I couldn't let him win. They were not going to control my life, nor were the other experiences I was told to forget. These are all events that have already happened. That is something I can not do anything about. I had no other choice but to accept it. Sadly, don't we all?

I can't give you much advice with the unfortunate events that have happened in your life (as sorry as I am), but I can tell you what I did.

I let myself cry. I got angry...really damn angry. I cried more. And I had enough. The bullet had already pierced through my body and all I was doing was letting it bleed out. I saw myself in the mirror and all I saw was that big hole in my chest that was just getting bigger letting more and more of myself escape through it with how I was handling it. Looking up at my face shocked me even more, it just seemed like I was wearing a mask.

I was ready to win this battle. I did everything I could think off every day. At some time I knew that a slow healing process would close up the hole little by little; pieces of that mask were starting to crumble off right along with it.

So now. a few years later from all of that. Well yeah, it still hurts quite a damn lot sometimes, but it controls my life in a completely different way.

My strength comes from what I have endured. My determination comes from what had happened to show myself what exactly I can do. My hope, that I can try to help some other young that have been through some sort of the same thing. But most importantly...

It came down to one simple thing. I WILL DID NOT LET THEM STEAL MY LIFE.

Don't be scared of your previous chapters...after all, it's what makes our story and the ending so damn special. And the cool part about that...is that we have the power to write our ending exactly the way we want.

Picture by: Moyan Brenn

And I don't know about you, but I am nowhere near finished with mine.

Much Love fellow Bloggers.