Birthday Blues: Drug Residue

"I was 100% sure that I would be dead by now. And I technically did die twice. What other bullshit am I gonna have to go through in order for it to just all end already."

Those were some of my last sentences I wrote in my journal. A few months later I walked into rehab.

Ok, lets rewind a little....

So I just recently turned 24. Its still weird to say this when my birthday comes with each passing year in sobriety. As I look at those pages and read the ink that was thrown down, I can't believe that THAT was me. I wrote those words. But at the same time, i remember feeling and fully believing that. I would not live past 21. I just wouldn't. And that was fine.

Image by: Pink Sherbet Photography

I was wrapped up in the suffocating grip of addiction, and people in my life were disappearing to the left and right of me. I remember thinking that the past few years has been a drawn out game of russian roulette, but, "the excitement of some of the highs were worth the lows."

That was what I was trying to convince myself for the first few years. it was only after having to set flowers at another few graves that I realized lows were all that were left.

Well Back To Now

So as I mentioned, it was just my birthday a few days ago. As much as my view has changed, and trust me they have changed, I once again get the.. birthday blues, I guess you would call them.

Whatever you wanna call it, I slipped into a hole of depression. But its not the same kind of depression that I am accustomed to battling throughout the year. It's something different. My dark passenger seems to be reminding me, louder than usual, about the years that I wasted. About the possibilities that might of been right in front of me, but I was too doped up to even slightly see them.

Once again, my mind was being pulled back into the past, while thinking about the things I most likely fucked up in the future. This is such a reoccurring shit storm that enters my head and brings me down, but usually around my birthday is when it gets the worst.

What needs to happen

For some reason, I have been on an audiobook binge recently, and the latest book I have been listening to is, "10% Happier," by Dan Harris.  Yes, I have ben reverting to self-help books. I know, I know. Keep with me though.

I was stuck in traffic somewhere on the freeway while I heard Harris say something that strangely picked me up and changed my view just a little. But I think it was just that little bit that I needed so that I knew what to do.

I can't remember if this is exactly right, but it pretty much said,

"If you have one foot in the past, and one in the future, you are pissing on the present."

Why this quote sparked something in my mind, I have no idea. But it did. I'm not saying it lifted these birthday blues Im going through, but it is definitely helping.

...I think I know what to do...

Well sort of.

I'm always thinking about the past. One way or another. I know it's impossible to just never think of it again, but what I mean is that I think about it in relation to how much I fucked up what could have been. How much it fucks with relationships I am in because of the flashbacks and insecurities. Stuff of that sort. And if my main goal is happiness, this kind of thinking is definitely not going to get me anywhere. 

So then the easy answer would be to bring that foot from the past, forward to the present... right? Of course when it comes to real life, it is always easier said than done, but I know it is something that CAN be done..though it may take a lot of practice. 

I've heard many say that you need to live completely in the present, and not think about the future or else the only thing you will lead yourself to is disappointment.

I dont know if it is just me being stubborn, but I dont accept that at all. I feel like with a foot being in the present, the other foot (or at least half) should in fact be in the future. I know for myself, I need to make commitments and set goals so that I can work towards something. It brings meaning to the present in those difficult moments when we have trouble finding any. 

And when I think of the future in that aspect, I can spend the rest of my energy figuring out what to do in the present in order to get to where I want to be. 

We all have worked way to hard to let the demons of the past take control of even more time in our lives. 

Stay strong bloggers. My rambling is done for now. 

With Much Love,

D.Z.

One Wall at a Time: After Addiction

There comes a time in "recovery" where those issues we were ignoring and numbing out are finally just closing in on us. That, or we get put in a situation where we built walls to protect ourselves from getting hurt. We as addicts can get really creative in finding all sorts of ways not to deal with our problems.

I know I certainly would think of anything to run away from something potentially painful.

Image by: Ian Sane

Anyway, I was talking to someone the other day who was basically telling me that they were being told to take all their walls down. Like it is something that easy to do...
In my opinion, this isn't something that should be done all at once. We spent years building up these walls, and most of the time for a pretty damn good reason. And just like real walls, if you knock them down all at once, it could just result in a big, cluttered, mess.

Don't get me wrong, if this is something that works best for you, then that's awesome. It just definitely did not for me, as well as a lot of the people I know.

Being in recovery for me, felt like I had to basically relearn how to basically live again. I am sure you guys can relate. Everything felt different. Hell, even driving felt different, I couldn't even stay in the lines at first when I got sober.

Getting back to what I was saying, having to relearn everything was already hard enough of a task to take on. I couldn't imagine dealing with all of my mental walls and what-note at once. I tried to, but that only led to a relapse... soooo I decided that probably wasn't going to be the right path for me.

Getting used to this new life was something I wanted, more so needed, to do first. Most of the issues and walls I built had to do with close relationships, and at that time, I knew I was nowhere near being ready for a new relationship. Even some basic issues, something like.... trust, just in general, I put off until a bit later until I was at least comfortable with me before I added anyone else into the picture. I guess this is where people say we need to "be selfish and think of ourselves first." I don't think it is a selfish act though, more of a brave one actually.

So that's what happened. I got to a point where I felt comfortable enough with the regular day again, before I decided to tackle anything that could potentially break the already unstable ground I was walking on. Besides, in the beginning, sometimes... just sometimes, those walls are the only thing still holding us up.

Now again, this is what I, MYSELF, needed to do. I couldn't handle multiple things at once. I know some of you guys can and that is great for you guys, but I definitely wasn't as capable. Like almost everything having to do with addiction, what helps one person will not be helpful for the next.

Guess I just wanted to say that we shouldn't be afraid to take it slow. We shouldn't be afraid to go at our own pace. Some put a set timeline on handling these things when everyone has a different way of handling their problems.

Just had to get some thoughts out.

Now I'm ready to jump into bed. Stay strong bloggers =]

Danny

After Drugs: Talking To Yourself

Damn, it had been quite a while since I have found myself able to just sit down and actually spill my thoughts on this blog. But, shit does it feel good!

As some of you know, I have been quite absent for a few months now. I got myself back in college and finally, for the first time in my life, am actually getting nothing but A's. Trust me, every time I go online to check my grades, I am still shocked to see that letter under my name. I even noticed I liked all the stress and work that came with school. Weird for me. Anyway.

Not trying to brag here... although it might seem like it. But I'm mentioning this stuff for two reasons.

1). A few months back, I remember being so beat to shit down. All I could think about is wasting 8 years of my life I wasted gathering up pills and separating foil. "I'm so late in life." That's all I could think about. Also, If you have read some of my previous blogs, you know by now that I call the negativity in my head my dark passenger. Separating those thoughts in my head and personifying them kinda helped me I guess. Anyways, I got to a point where he was getting me to a point where the only thing in my head was how far behind I was with the rest of the world. And if my life could even go somewhere still.    

2) I stopped bitching. And trust me that was harder than I thought. I realized all I was doing was trying to shove my dark passenger out of my head... until his next opportunity to show up (which most of the time was in the next few hours). I did this little dance of pushing my dark passenger away, have the negativity appear again, and then having to ignore them once again.

I think most of us know that this can only go on for so long before it makes us question almost everything were doing. That, along with driving us half mad.

Anyways, I started thinking... really really thinking about everything overall. We all have already worked so hard. The people I have had the pleasure of reading about and meeting on this site, are all of the strongest people I have ever met. So there is no way in hell we can give up now.

Instead of just trying to silence my dark passenger for a certain amount of time, I wanted to continue the fight so many of us are already in the middle of. Change that voice in your head. If you can't, be the positive side to argue with the negative one. Talk to yourself.  Might sound crazy, but the negativity can not rule our lives. Not after everything all of you have already accomplished.

The point of me mentioning what I did in the beginning of this post, was that I wanted to prove to myself that I could actually do something I didn't think I could do. I wanted to prove that I needed to believe in myself more, so that I can actually move forward. I might not be where I want to just yet...shit I am far from it, but I will continue to work to get closer.

I hope you will with me.

It is something that we all deserve. Something that ultimately leads to what we all want... happiness.

Graveyard of Death & Love

So I don't know if you have been keeping up with the last few posts, but for a real quick catch up:

Dealing with a lot currently, which leads to me thinking a lot. I think any Addict can tell you that can be dangerous.

All caught up? Maybe?

Anyways. I was also talking about how I had to slowly teach myself to allow emotion back into my life. And I am sure much of you have or are doing the same thing.

So what happens when you think you are doing well and all the sudden you walk into a wall you never even knew you had built.         How exciting...something else to work on right?

That treasure chest of emotions that come with love, our hearts, and trust, had all been buried in the dust. Looking back, I can't say I am surprised. With all that was "needed" to be done; Faking relationships for manipulation, seeing love and its meaning crumble all around, and loosing more than a few friends as well as a lover in my arms. Yeah, I can say that was the one that truly did it.

I might not of buried them myself, but I definitely handed my heart to the gravedigger to finish the job.

Picture by: LadyDragonFly

Now a few years later, when someone came around who might make me want to dig up that treasure chest, I found myself just standing in front of that grave frozen in fear, shovel in hand.

Back then I stuck to a simple rule. Relationships (of any kind) means loss. So naturally I stayed away from anything real with the possibility of what I thought was a ticking time bomb of overwhelming pain. In my mind I had already felt that blast too many times before.

Back to now. So many of my thoughts have already changed, so I figured this might me an important one to figure out. The biggest thing I am trying to change is to see it is an opportunity for happiness in an actual healthy relationship.

Is it that word that scares me? Happiness? I think it really did come to a point where I was comfortable in the world of chaos I was living in. The chaotic world filled with death, danger, and drugs was a constant day-to-day normal. And to be completely honest, I think sometimes it excited me. I was comfortable. Maybe comfortable isn't the right word....I got adjusted? I trained myself to expect the worst in no matter what situation because most likely that was going to happen.

I looked at every situation as a game of Russian Roulette, except with only one missing bullet.

It is a constant reminder when I wake up that I am no longer in that world. Meaning the way of thinking I had about everything needed to change, including love and all those awkward gushy feelings that I'll spare you from reading.

So yeah, I think I'll start digging up that grave...especially since someone has come along and truly does deserve it. It is something that will take some time, and I hope they understand, but it is something I am willing to do.

Again, like I warned you in my last post, my mind has been everywhere lately..and yeah, that means my writing will be too. So hopefully some of this made sense and maybe even a few of you can relate. Either way,

Hope all is well & most of all Stay Strong.

MISSING: Winter Codeine Blanket

Image by: Akzidenzsetzer

That time of the year is here once again. The crisp cool air is beginning to roll back in, followed by those dark clouds and the release of rain. It is the kind of weather that I love. I guess it kinda reminds me of my early childhood back in Ireland. And besides, who doesn't love breaking out their whole set of favorite winter coats and jackets.

Anyways, there is something new about the cold seasons that unfortunately brought my excitement down a few levels. Basically this weather and time of year is just one big trigger for me now. Can that even be possible? I mean, last years winter, with it being my first, was definitely a tough one. Every day I had such strong cravings. The kind where the frustration would just bring you to the point of uncontrollable tears.

Anyone who has ever taken any kind of painkillers or any kind of Opiates, knows that warm blanket that gets immediately dropped in your lap the second those chemicals take effect. So I am thinking that might be the reason why it hit me so hard at first? Who knows.

This time around I can already feel that it will be easier, but I know the frustration will still make itself known here and there. I really don't know why this time of year affects me this much. I mean I know I didn't physically feel the cold as much, but I don't think that is the only reason why it became that big of a trigger. Do any of you guys get it?

Well until something about this makes more sense, this is how I am currently looking at it. I feel like maybe the pills added that extra bit of synthetic euphoria to something that already made me really happy. So ultimately while I was using, I feel like I got used to a raised "excitement level."

So for now I am trying to remember that it was all chemical and not real. What I found that really helped me was to just actually go sit out at my favorite coffee shop (or somewhere nice outside), and just remember what I really enjoyed about the upcoming season. I sat there, sometimes for a few minutes....sometimes for an hour.

As soon as I remembered the actual things that I enjoyed about my favorite time of year, the cravings slowly went away. And honestly, there were actually many things I forgot I liked about some of these places, since being loaded doesn't really let you feel much.

So figuring that out made me look at many other situations the same way. When I first got sober, i remember just everything being so dull without the drugs. But again, like I have said in so many of my posts, it really just comes down to having to rewire our brains. We are really forced to just dig deep inside, get past the good times we THOUGHT we had on drugs, and figure out what it was that really made us happy.

Sitting in that chair, letting the cold breeze wash over my face, while the sweet smell of my Caramel Macchiatto drifted up to my nose, is when I remembered that it was this that I really liked. The calmness. Not synthetic or chemical calmness, but actual calmness.

Well I guess that is on trigger I can cross of the very long list. Addiction has a way to keep on surprising me. It really just makes me assume that the enjoyment I had in the past came from the high itself, when all along it was just a cover. Just my dark passenger, once again, trying to lure me back to his side.

All it takes is some work and reminding. I had been on his side for seven years, and it wasn't anything to be missed. It is in this world...this scary, uncomfortable, but new and exciting world that there is still so much for me....for all of us to figure out.

Stay strong fellow bloggers.

Letter to the Dead Lover

Today...today was interesting. Every two weeks or so I have an appointment with my therapist. It used to be more in the beginning, but now I see him less frequently. I should have known by the dark clouds, rain, and the lightning and thunder that it was going to be a more difficult visit than usual. It definitely was. 

The theme of the visit was basically death. Specifically, the boyfriend I lost due to a Heroin overdose. I will get into that whole story another time. Anyway, he asked me if I had a way of talking to him, what would I say. The second he asked me that question I could feel my body slowly tensing up as the anxiety began to build. The scene of his death kept replaying in my head until I literally had to shake it out. 

Picture by: Karen on Flickr

After the tension began to relieve and my thoughts were once again flowing at a normal rate, I really started to think about the question that had been asked. What would I say to him? Before I knew it, the hour ran out and I still hadn't come up with a response. He thought it would be easier for me to write a letter at home and bring it back next week.

So here we go:

Dear Michael, 

So much has changed throughout the few years. I miss everything about you so much. At first I was so angry. Angry at you, but also angry at myself. I blamed myself. I didn't see it coming, and felt like I should have. I know what you're thinking, and I have come to terms with that it was an accident. Even though you are no longer with us, I want you to know that your memory still helps improve the lives of so many. 

I am proud to say that I have been sober for a little over a year now. We always talked about this moment. You are such a big influence on why I not only decided to get sober, but why I decide to stay sober. I am trying so hard everyday to just live. Live that normal life we wanted so badly. It is harder than I though, but I am starting to get used to it. 

I still have dinner with your mom every now and then. She seems a lot better than before, but she still misses you so much. We all do. She is also now clean. 7 months now I believe. So for both of us, your smile, your laugh, your memory, is that extra little push that we need to keep on going. 

I think the biggest struggle for me is letting someone new in. I know you would want me to move on and find someone new, but it is the letting them in that is the hard part. I don't yet know how to get past this. Honestly, it scares the shit out of me. We always talked about trying our hardest to not let fear get in the way, so the next guy I meet that is worth it I promise to let down my walls. I know you want me to be happy, it just definitely took a lot of rebuilding before I could move on. 

I could go on forever about how much I wish you were still beside me, but you will always still be with me. You still bring a smile to so many and can honestly say that you will never be forgotten. I will continue to fight my struggles with every ounce of strength in me. I know how much you always worried about me, but you don't have to anymore. You deserve the complete peace you were always longing for when you were here. You will always be in my heart, and will never cease to make me smile. 

Love always,                             

Danny                            

That is all I could get out. I don't know if it is good enough yet, but I can't think of much else to condense into one single letter. I also felt like I couldn't get too emotional with it yet. Maybe I will change it later. I don't know, but I do have to say that it did help me. I believe it almost acts as the goodbye I never got to say to him. I can't really put into words why else it helped me, it just kinda did. 

Well until next time beautiful people. 

Emotions Without Drugs

So what if it is one of those days and the tears happen to just keep pushing their way out. With all our might we try to remember the things that everyone keeps saying to us:

"Everything is just fine"

"You are, and everything is going to be OK"

And other positive stuff like that. Sometimes though, all of that does not keep us from screaming into a pillow or from throwing our phones at the wall (which we regret about 10 seconds after). Nor does it keep the tears from flowing down our faces, and unfortunately sometimes it doesn't keep us from wanting to use.

Sometimes, things just feel like complete shit. The day seems to just drag on, nothing seems exciting, and you get way too invested in the characters on Gray's Anatomy and end up crying at every slightly emotional thing. Just me? Well... you know what I mean. 

Alright so the past few days I have been thinking a whole lot (dangerous, I know). A lot about how for the past year there have been quite a bit of those shitty moments. A lot of them happen to be just trying to figure out how to live life sober again. 

Even though I appreciated them, those positive sayings that are thrown at us sometimes just agitated me even more. I can't really say why though. I guess they just made me feel like there was something wrong with me because nothing felt fine or like it was OK. It felt like the ground wouldn't stop shaking and I could barely keep my balance. 

So back to the thinking I was doing. I guess what really helped me was knowing that...well, sometimes things are going to go very wrong. Sometimes that what you really don't want happening, is exactly what will. And the thing is....it is completely normal. 

Imagine if life never consisted of "downs." At first it might seem like it would be perfect, but would it really? Would we even try to better ourselves, or to keep learning just because. Would we even be able to recognize the "ups" in life, or even appreciate them?

 

Alright so maybe knowing all this doesn't make those times easier, but for me knowing that it is completely normal took just enough weight off so that I could deal with it. We are so used to just having that easy fix. Whether it was going straight to the bottle, the pills, the pipe, or whatever poison we chose. I think that is why feeling like complete crap just felt so wrong. Like I was the only one that felt like that, when in truth, every single other person goes through the same stuff. We just now need to find the best way for us to deal with these times other than how we did in the past. 

Well I hope all this made sense. And I hope all of you had a good weekend. 

Till next time. 

Drugs, Present, Happiness

I found myself thinking a lot of my past. Reminiscing on the times I thought were good times, and trying to cope with the times that were the darkest. I don't know why the past has been on my mind so much, but I didn't like it. I find that in my down time is when the thoughts come to attack , and lately I have had a lot of down time. I keep trying to busy myself in someway, but it just wasn't enough.

The thoughts of the last seven years kept rushing through my mind. It was more though that I was blaming everything on my past. I am now a little over a year sober and the struggle is still a daily one. It isn't that I expected this to be easy, but I guess I am still used to getting the "quick fix" that I thought the drugs gave me. Having to slowly process things and work through the pain is still something that I am getting struggling with.

When I was sitting in my room, wallowing in my self-pity, I was watching some show when I heard:

"You might be dwelling on the past because you are unhappy with the present..."

I really thought about that for a good minute. I mean, it is not that I am generally unhappy, I guess I just wanted to be completely somewhere else in my life entirely. I am now 22 and I feel I am so many years behind. This has been one of my worries ever since I stepped out of rehab.

I think it all just goes back to having to fight your own thoughts. I have to remember that I am still alive and that I am sober. That is the most important part. And like I said in my last post, being alive means that we have the chance to better our lives for ourselves. We have the chance to change our present and work on it until it is something that we are happy with. And as long as we keep doing that, I don't think it matters how old we are. As long as we keep doing that, we truly are alive.

If we are in a time in our life where we think all we see is ruins, there are a few things we can do. We can either concentrate on the bad and just stare out in misery, or put in the work and build something we are happy with.

Picture by: Nico Nelson

And for me personally, I would much rather put in the work and get rid of the ruins.

I think I had the idea that after some time of sobriety, I would just be done working on getting back to a "happy place." I would just be in a place of content. I was wrong...but now that I think about it, I am happy that I was wrong. It means that we have a constant opportunity to improve.

And whatever "improving" means, is up to you. And.. well, to put it simply, that is pretty damn cool.

The Addict AND You

Whether it is you first week sober or you are reaching your 5 year mark, we will always remember the shame and guilt that comes with getting clean. There comes a time though, after we have learned from our mistakes, where you should be allowed to move on. Enough emotional and physical pain has been endured. In no way am I saying that the person you were should be forgotten about, but I believe that it should be known that we have all made quite the change. When we make the choice to decide to get clean, we slowly start ripping out the monster that had possessed us for so long. 

That's the thing... Addiction changes you. And with all the hard work that comes with getting clean and reverting back to a "normal" lifestyle, it is something that everyone deserves to move on from.  

Something that I really wanted to bring up in this post though is that some people won't let you separate yourself from the addict. You have apologized as much as you can. Really tried your best to explain that the person you have changed into is nothing like the one that was. It can be a complete stranger, or someone who you have known for years. If it is the latter then that is when it can be really frustrating and hard.

I believe to really understand addiction, what it does, how it makes you feel, how it simply takes over every part of who you are, you have had to of gone through it. 

So that is why I can't be angry at the people who don't accept the change we go through. Why I can't be mad by the choices they make to not trust, or to not see us as a completely different person, and for relationships to not go back to how they used to be. It definitely sucks yeah, but if we have tried multiple times to apologize and try to prove we have changed, there is not much more we can do.

My opinion on this now? Just another part of this struggle we have to go through. At first I didn't want to accept that I might have to let go of more people, but then we need to realize that we deserve the chance to change.

We already accomplished the hardest step. We got clean. Now it is as simple as bettering our lives for no one other than ourselves. Part of that involves surrounding ourselves with people who give me, you...all of us support. It is a brand new part of our lives where we have to opportunity to rebuild, and start new. No one should get in the way of that for us.

So if it comes to a point where someone is constantly dangling your past in front of you after many attempts to heal the relationship, it is time to accept them not being able to understand. Many other people out there will support you. Many other people can be in our life without having to bring us down. And remember we deserve that chance to move on. Not forget, but move on. In no way is it their fault, but it isn't fair to us either. 

Addiction and Missed Opportunities

At first when I got out of rehab, I wanted so badly to be happy. But I couldn't help but think of everything that was laying in ruins because of my addiction. There were so many people I had taken advantage of, lied to, and there were so many missed opportunities. The safe barrier that had been felt in the rehab facility was nowhere in sight.

Did anyone else have this kind of reaction after getting clean and rejoining the world?

Anyway, it is safe to say that over the last 7 years of my addiction, I have become increasingly more negative towards...everything really. My overall outlook was that there was no way out of the deep hole I had dug myself in. I was trapped at the very bottom, watching all my opportunities pass by.

So some guy a long time ago told us to, "be the change we want to see in the world." As hard as it was for me, I tried listening to this Gandhi fella.

From there on out I tried changing the way I had been thinking. Catching myself and stopping my negative rants, and so on. Mainly being positive about life again.

To my surprise it was starting to work. Don't get me wrong, it was definitely hard and is still something I am trying to control, but it works.

Just like if you are at the bottom of the hole, if you keep doing what you have been, you will either dig further down or simply stay stuck. I had to change how I thought, and look for ways to get myself out of the muddy hole in the ground I was in.

The more I tried, the more I saw opportunities that were available to me. So instead of looking up and wishing you could make a ladder appear to make it an easy climb, put in more work to dig some kind of edges in the walls to climb up.

 With each step we are proving to ourselves that it IS actually possible to rebuild our lives. It just takes training your mind and your eyes to see those hidden opportunities that are in our reach.

4:45 A.M & Sober

It is nights like tonight that just make me really happy. Wasn't anything extravagant or anything...rather simple actually. A few close friends came over and we all just enjoyed each others company and watched some movies. When I was still living in my world controlled by drugs and my addiction I could never fully appreciate something like this. 

Before I got sober I am pretty sure I would be out with people till sunrise almost every night. Doing whatever really. And naturally many of them were dealing with the same strangling addiction that I was. But at some point I always questioned if some of these people were around because they actually really cared about me, or if it had more to do with the drugs.

I think many addicts sometimes feel this way. We never really know who are "real" friends are when drugs are involved. It was definitely something that I questioned many times throughout the years. 

I think that is why nights like these feel so special to me now. Just another reason why getting sober has made life better. The people that stick around and are willing to just have a lazy night and hangout are... well, they actually want to be there. Not because drugs were available, but because they actually want to be there with you.  

I am looking around at my friends, who are now either drooling on a pillow, snoring, or both, and can't help but just smile. I'm smiling because...I mean it would definitely be an amazing picture if I wasn't to lazy to go find my phone, but I am mainly smiling just because when you are sober you can actually feel a real friendship. I don't really know how else to explain it...but I like it. 

I hope everyone beats addiction for so many reasons. But I think this is one that I would put at one of the best. Just being able to feel the connection from people, as well as the happiness that comes from that.

Everyone deserves to feel that. 

Friday for an Addict

So today has definitely been "one of them days." I guess for the past few days I already haven't been feeling that great. I can't really put my finger on why I have been feeling all down... which makes it even more annoying. Anyone else get annoyed at that?

Anyways, I went to a place that my friends are always at, and usually when I go there my day gets better. Of course this was just one of those days where it feels like life just has you in its crosshairs. My friends were out of town and the place was filled with the drunk and high lot that I use to be a part of.

I started wondering if I had sobered up at too early of an age. Was I missing out on things of my youth? The times that are supposed to make up for the best years of my life? These were some of the thoughts that were screaming at me in my head. 

Whatever age a recovering addict is, there are always moments where we just get to that point of really questioning if sobriety is worth it. If the sober life was really that much better than being addicted. 

It takes a quick few minutes to step outside of yourself and look at the situation to realize even questioning this is crazy. When I really thought about what life was like back then, I remembered the dangerous situations I got myself in, the constant stress about having enough of my stuff so I don't get sick, the friends I lost, and the insane amounts of money I spent. This is just some of the stuff that could be put on the "cons" list, but I could add to that list all night.

Addiction does weird things to you, even after you have been clean for some time. It has a way of sometimes making you only think about the good times. In reality, when you really think about it, the bad times happened much more frequently. The drugs just have a way of pushing them out of sight. 

I realized that now that I did get sober, it IS actually possible for me to make it the best times of my life. When I look back at the times of my addiction I don't see them as some great times that were had. And that would be the same in the future if I decided to go back to the drugs now. It would just be a waste of time, that is if I were to make it out alive. 

So I drove home with a smile on my face. Why?

I don't need to worry about getting dope-sick, I don't need to worry about having enough money for drugs, and the money I do have can be spent on me. I don't need to meet up with shady and dangerous people, I can actually remember the good times I have, and so much more. Yeah I might have to turn down a few parties, but that won't be what I remember from my 20's when I look back at them. 

I will remember getting clean, facing all the struggles I was avoiding with drugs and overcoming them. I will remember not giving up. I will remember so much more then just getting messed up like I did in the past. But most of all, I will remember rebuilding my life into something that is positive. 

So when it feels like life has you in its crosshairs, just remember to keep moving forward. Going back to drugs would only make you an easier target. 

Addiction: Disguised Evil?

So I was looking through some of the pictures I had taken the past year when I had come across this one. My mind does weird things late at night, so when I stared at this picture I almost immediately compared it to addiction.

I know it's a weird comparison but stick with me guys. I'll try to explain it the best I can haha

Everyone that has been through addiction, or even going through it right now, can all remember what the drugs/alcohol felt like in the beginning. For me personally, it was one of those, "Where has this been my whole life" kind of moments. Any one else?

The cabin in this picture looked so beautiful to me when I first got there. Everything there was so peaceful at first. To be able to just "escape" from everyday life was so nice and relaxing. At first it was amazing, but after a few good times, a pretty heavy storm was rolling in. We were pretty much stuck in the cabin for a good few days. Not able to drive anywhere, no internet connection, along with cell service, and electricity wasn't all that great either. To sum it up, it basically felt like I was alone and stranded.
Alright, back to how it relates.

Isn't this how addiction kind of starts? We think life seems so much better at first when we get that first taste. At first, when we are falling deeper and deeper in love with our own version of the devil, we don't realize how evil it really is. It is the "honeymoon stage" of addiction I guess you could call it. You just notice everything that is good about the drug, nothing else.

Just like in the cabin, as days...weeks...or years go by, you find yourself completely alone. Maybe not physically for everyone, but I think it would be safe to say that at some stage after we are in a full committed relationship with our drug(s), we all feel so stranded in the terrible world of addiction. Nowhere to go, no one to turn to, just completely alone.

My reasoning getting a little more clear now? Or am I still just babbling?

In the end, we come to realize that the way we were living life before was a much easier situation than this romanticized world of drugs. That although it may seem like something we want at first, it really is just a form of evil disguised as that infamous "easy button" we all crave sometimes. We realize that "escaping" from life really isn't actually what we thought it was.

I hope this somewhat made sense. But more so, I hope everyone out there is having a good night/day.

Till next time.  

Who Am I?

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves."
- Henry David Thoreau

Yeah... I could say I agree with that. When we are busy doing...whatever really, life seems to pass by so fast. Whether it be working, playing,or blogging. When things are mostly going right, we never really look to deeply into ourselves. We simply hold on to that good feeling as long as we can. So then what happens when the good goes away and is replaced with horrible?

When those moments come along where we feel like the light at the end of the tunnel is nowhere to be found, it is then that we learn so much about ourselves. I know for me personally, I learned more about myself in a few months than I had my whole life. 

It is in the moments where we feel we are drowning that we learn what we want in life. It is in those moments where we learn to appreciate those people close to us, and most importantly, we learn to appreciate the little things in life that make us happy. 

Although it might be hard, the next time you feel you are at the bottom of the pool gasping for air, think of that quote. When the time comes and you are looking back, what were you able to take away from the experience. I know it is a lot easier said than done, but still... try to learn something from your next "down." As corny as it might sound, what you take away may actually could change your life. 

For me I didn't think I was going to make it out alive, and now that I have I feel like I know so much more about what I want to do than ever. There are still so many questions I have that are unanswered at the moment, but no one should ever be in a rush to finish their own story.

I guess it just really is up to us to decide on how we look at everything going on. In a few years when I look back and ask myself who I am, I hope to have an answer that includes the lessons I learned to make all the times I hated going through worth it. 

Will you? 

Friends and Addiction?

I think this is definitely another really common question I get asked when people talk to me about getting clean. I know it was for sure on my mind when I was in rehab.

"Do I really have to stop hanging out with my current friends?"

To be honest, I don't really know. Again, like all of my posts kinda say, it depends on the person and the people who are in their life. Also, I think it depends on how badly one wants to truly stay clean and no longer be in the grasp of their addiction. 

In my case, I knew right away I would have to make some changes. I kinda had two groups of friends:

• The friends I have kept that knew about my addiction but constantly tried to help
• The friends that joined in on everything and were in the same downward spiral I was in.

This last time I got clean was the first time I actually wanted to stay clean. Not just because I didn't have the money anymore. So anyways, at that point I knew that for this to even be possible I am going to have to surround myself with the people that truly want me to get better and are showing me that living sober is possible and, most importantly, not miserable. 

You have to kind of take yourself out of your own perspective and look at the situation from the outside. If you think being around [insert name here] is going to make you want to use or even just have drugs to give you, then for your own sake it would be better to no longer go about with them. 

I always thought of my friends as basically family, so I knew I couldn't just cut them out (which many people told me to do). I simply told them that for my own health, I have to focus on me right now and I couldn't put myself in that kind of situation. All of them knew they could come to me for help if they wanted to get clean. But even just sometimes talking on the phone to some of them was hard, so again, it depends on if you are comfortable with it. If you even have one doubt, then it would be safer not to. At least until you get more clean time under your belt and you feel like you can deal with it. 

Either way, if they really are your friend, you know... the real ones that actually want the best for you, then they will definitely understand. 

Besides, after some time I actually realized that I never really had anything in common with most of them, besides needing those drugs that is. So it was much easier to reestablish my friend circle than I originally thought. 

I wish the best to all of you

**In no way am I a counselor or professional in the subject. This is all simply based on personal experience**

Addiction Recovery doesn't have a timeline

"It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop." 

-Confucius 

It's definitely a simple quote, but I think that it relates a lot to how I look at recovering from addiction. Just like my last post stated, no one plan works for everyone. The one thing that everyone though will have in common is having to fight your way through the wreckage our addiction has left behind.

In my own recovery there were so many times that I questioned if this was even worth it. I just wanted to feel so much happier than I was. "It's been (X) months and I still feel crappy," went through my mind so many times. What about you guys... have you ever felt that way?

It was around that time I saw this quote. I read it over and over again just so it would really be engraved in my mind.

Everyone heals differently. We all have our own little ways of getting through something. Our own coping methods. So when I read stories online about people being clean for six, or even three months and they were saying how happy they were, I no longer questioned what I was doing wrong.

Everyone's war they are fighting has different durations, different obstacles, and so on. Does that make sense or am I starting to ramble again? I tend to do that.. sorry :p

Well on those bad days, we just have to remember to take it slower than usual. Definitely keep fighting on, just at a slower pace so no overwhelming can happen.

Never compare your recovery to anyone else's in a sense that you aren't feeling like (insert name here) was at 5 months. All we need to focus on is getting better. At whatever rate we are comfortable.

Overcoming Addiction: What's better for YOU?

Recently I was asked by a fellow blogger if I personally believe someone can beat addiction on their own. This really made me think for a few minutes. There was no way I could give a simple 2-3 sentence reply to that question so I decided to try to unravel my thoughts here.

Addiction is something I believe to affect everyone differently. The drugs we use differ, our habits are different, our routines, but most importantly, the methods that work for one to get clean and sober definitely are not all the same.

Back to the question. There are several ways I took this question, but in each version it all came down to one thing:

It depends on the person

For some people the only thing that makes it possible to stay clean is the AA/NA programs that are out there. By going to meetings and working the steps, many get the relief and support they need. For others though, it simply just is not for them. Working the program just doesn’t give them what they need, for some reason or another.

That was the case for me. I tried it out for a few months but quickly realized I needed to go a different route. What continues to work for me is seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist. With them, a specific plan was created just for me in a way that I was most comfortable with. This included some SSRI’s for example, along with hour-long sessions with the shrink to have the opportunity to talk some of that “stuff” out. Like all addicts, I wasn’t sure if this was going to work but at that point I was willing to try anything.

Now here I am 14 months later, still sober, and doing better that I ever thought I would at this point. For me the programs just made me constantly think of addiction which made me want to use. I figured out that going back to living life in a “normal” way was the only thing that was going to work for me.

Support is always crucial.

If you are working the program, doing what I did, or doing something else…I can not stress enough how important it is to have at least some kind of support group. Whether that be some part of your family, a few friends, or even an online community, just have support.

There is still many other ways I could answer this question, but I feel like I have already wrote half a novel. But again, it really just depends on the person and what works for them.

To anyone still struggling to find what works for them, please do not give up. It is hard but it IS possible. This, I am sure of.

Feel free to contact me to chat about anything.                   libordanny@yahoo.com