How Can I Help?

How can I help? What a strong question that gets belittled each and every day. Do we really mean it when we say it?

Anyway, it's the title of a book I had to read for a class I was taking. Not to sound like a preacher, but I definitely think this is a book we should all read.

Whatever we are going through, I feel this brook will help you look at things just a bit differently. It really made me think; how I looked at life, the world around me, and the things I am doing every single day.

To be perfectly honest, sometimes the book made me feel like shit. But don't get me wrong, it is still an amazing book.

How can I describe it? I guess the title says it all. It not only makes you ask yourself how you can help the people and world around you, but even more importantly, it makes you think about how you can help yourself.

From anything I have learned in sobriety, which still doesn't even amount too much, is that we all need to help ourselves first. Before anything else we try to tackle with someone else.

Whether it is be being depressed as hell, angry as shit, or just craving that chemical help that we addicts were so fond of, it makes us really look deep inside ourselves and reach into the guts and messy shit we stored in the back of our minds that we don't want to deal with.

Trust me, I know that sounds terrible; just writing it made me realize that. But it helps you figure out the questions we need to ask ourselves to bring the fucked up shit to the front of the mind without having to kick it away with all your might. It does it in a subtle way that also gives you the strength the follow through.

I know, I've been writing more of a book review than a blog post, but I felt like I had to share this book. It's got nothing to do with AA or NA, but just plain old yourself and the world in the way you see it. It has already helped me figure some stuff out, and showed me things that I really need to work on. I'm sure it can, if not help you, change your perspective on some things in a positive way.

Alright, I'm done ranting. Just wanted to share something I thought might help.

Stay Strong Beautiful People

Psychological Warfare of Addiction

Help. Such a simple word, yet one that seems impossible to pass through our lips sometimes. I know this is definitely the case for me. Even in the most critical moments, moments that quite possibly could determine the rest of my life, that one stupid word seems to just not be an option at all, hiding in the very corner of my mind.

If there is one thing I can tell you about me, is that in person I can seem incredibly closed off. I guess a lot of us can be, which is why writing turns out to be such a blessing sometimes. In fact, at times I don't even know what the hell is going on in my head until it goes down on paper.

Help. Why is this word so hard for me to say. I don't know. If I had look back at my past, I remember me being the one finding most of the friends that had unfortunately overdosed or killed themselves most of the time. Too many. And it was me who had to tell the rest of my circle. It was me who was there to help some of the parents cope (I was a very functional addict so they had no idea I was involved in the same world).

I was already pretty good at turning that emotional switch off in my head, so I felt I just had to take care of the others. There wasn't another option. And I guess from then on, everything just stayed that way.

I have to say I was doing alright the past few months. At least I think I was. Like I said, most of the times I don't know what is going on in my head without a paper and a pen. But even with those in hand, I can't figure out what it was in the recent weeks that triggered the mind game my dark passenger decided to put into play.

Help. I can feel him trying to take control of the wheel and it's definitely getting harder to fight him off. To be completely honest, I'm scared that there are times where I almost want to let him win. The dreams of death, and the flashbacks of emotional floods haven't stopped for quite some time now and it's definitely taken a toll.

Image by: Sarah

If the psychological warfare doesn't cease any time soon I don't know what is going to happen, and that is not a chance I am willing to take. Tomorrow, I will go to my MD, and be completely honest about how I feel. I just can't wait to see what comes blubbering out of my mouth. 

So yes, help will finally be asked for.

Finally following my own advice. I mean shit, we all need help at some point right?        (YES)

Anyway, STAY STRONG BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE