Birthday Blues: Drug Residue

"I was 100% sure that I would be dead by now. And I technically did die twice. What other bullshit am I gonna have to go through in order for it to just all end already."

Those were some of my last sentences I wrote in my journal. A few months later I walked into rehab.

Ok, lets rewind a little....

So I just recently turned 24. Its still weird to say this when my birthday comes with each passing year in sobriety. As I look at those pages and read the ink that was thrown down, I can't believe that THAT was me. I wrote those words. But at the same time, i remember feeling and fully believing that. I would not live past 21. I just wouldn't. And that was fine.

Image by: Pink Sherbet Photography

I was wrapped up in the suffocating grip of addiction, and people in my life were disappearing to the left and right of me. I remember thinking that the past few years has been a drawn out game of russian roulette, but, "the excitement of some of the highs were worth the lows."

That was what I was trying to convince myself for the first few years. it was only after having to set flowers at another few graves that I realized lows were all that were left.

Well Back To Now

So as I mentioned, it was just my birthday a few days ago. As much as my view has changed, and trust me they have changed, I once again get the.. birthday blues, I guess you would call them.

Whatever you wanna call it, I slipped into a hole of depression. But its not the same kind of depression that I am accustomed to battling throughout the year. It's something different. My dark passenger seems to be reminding me, louder than usual, about the years that I wasted. About the possibilities that might of been right in front of me, but I was too doped up to even slightly see them.

Once again, my mind was being pulled back into the past, while thinking about the things I most likely fucked up in the future. This is such a reoccurring shit storm that enters my head and brings me down, but usually around my birthday is when it gets the worst.

What needs to happen

For some reason, I have been on an audiobook binge recently, and the latest book I have been listening to is, "10% Happier," by Dan Harris.  Yes, I have ben reverting to self-help books. I know, I know. Keep with me though.

I was stuck in traffic somewhere on the freeway while I heard Harris say something that strangely picked me up and changed my view just a little. But I think it was just that little bit that I needed so that I knew what to do.

I can't remember if this is exactly right, but it pretty much said,

"If you have one foot in the past, and one in the future, you are pissing on the present."

Why this quote sparked something in my mind, I have no idea. But it did. I'm not saying it lifted these birthday blues Im going through, but it is definitely helping.

...I think I know what to do...

Well sort of.

I'm always thinking about the past. One way or another. I know it's impossible to just never think of it again, but what I mean is that I think about it in relation to how much I fucked up what could have been. How much it fucks with relationships I am in because of the flashbacks and insecurities. Stuff of that sort. And if my main goal is happiness, this kind of thinking is definitely not going to get me anywhere. 

So then the easy answer would be to bring that foot from the past, forward to the present... right? Of course when it comes to real life, it is always easier said than done, but I know it is something that CAN be done..though it may take a lot of practice. 

I've heard many say that you need to live completely in the present, and not think about the future or else the only thing you will lead yourself to is disappointment.

I dont know if it is just me being stubborn, but I dont accept that at all. I feel like with a foot being in the present, the other foot (or at least half) should in fact be in the future. I know for myself, I need to make commitments and set goals so that I can work towards something. It brings meaning to the present in those difficult moments when we have trouble finding any. 

And when I think of the future in that aspect, I can spend the rest of my energy figuring out what to do in the present in order to get to where I want to be. 

We all have worked way to hard to let the demons of the past take control of even more time in our lives. 

Stay strong bloggers. My rambling is done for now. 

With Much Love,

D.Z.

What do you guys think?

"We all have a few failures under our belt. It's what makes us ready for the successes." – Randy K. Milholland

And just to add on to what this man said, I don't think they only make us ready.

Those failures are what make you appreciate the successes so much more.

I mean, I think it took 8 years of addiction and constant f*cking up and failing at things when I was using to appreciate and feel awesome about even just getting an A in a class this semester while sober and going to school.

I mean it definitely took a while to see some things like that, and I think I still have a while to go to take this quote and put it to all the failures under my belt...but I am damn willing to work, wait, and see what success will be greater than some of these failures.

It is something we all deserve to see.

One Wall at a Time: After Addiction

There comes a time in "recovery" where those issues we were ignoring and numbing out are finally just closing in on us. That, or we get put in a situation where we built walls to protect ourselves from getting hurt. We as addicts can get really creative in finding all sorts of ways not to deal with our problems.

I know I certainly would think of anything to run away from something potentially painful.

Image by: Ian Sane

Anyway, I was talking to someone the other day who was basically telling me that they were being told to take all their walls down. Like it is something that easy to do...
In my opinion, this isn't something that should be done all at once. We spent years building up these walls, and most of the time for a pretty damn good reason. And just like real walls, if you knock them down all at once, it could just result in a big, cluttered, mess.

Don't get me wrong, if this is something that works best for you, then that's awesome. It just definitely did not for me, as well as a lot of the people I know.

Being in recovery for me, felt like I had to basically relearn how to basically live again. I am sure you guys can relate. Everything felt different. Hell, even driving felt different, I couldn't even stay in the lines at first when I got sober.

Getting back to what I was saying, having to relearn everything was already hard enough of a task to take on. I couldn't imagine dealing with all of my mental walls and what-note at once. I tried to, but that only led to a relapse... soooo I decided that probably wasn't going to be the right path for me.

Getting used to this new life was something I wanted, more so needed, to do first. Most of the issues and walls I built had to do with close relationships, and at that time, I knew I was nowhere near being ready for a new relationship. Even some basic issues, something like.... trust, just in general, I put off until a bit later until I was at least comfortable with me before I added anyone else into the picture. I guess this is where people say we need to "be selfish and think of ourselves first." I don't think it is a selfish act though, more of a brave one actually.

So that's what happened. I got to a point where I felt comfortable enough with the regular day again, before I decided to tackle anything that could potentially break the already unstable ground I was walking on. Besides, in the beginning, sometimes... just sometimes, those walls are the only thing still holding us up.

Now again, this is what I, MYSELF, needed to do. I couldn't handle multiple things at once. I know some of you guys can and that is great for you guys, but I definitely wasn't as capable. Like almost everything having to do with addiction, what helps one person will not be helpful for the next.

Guess I just wanted to say that we shouldn't be afraid to take it slow. We shouldn't be afraid to go at our own pace. Some put a set timeline on handling these things when everyone has a different way of handling their problems.

Just had to get some thoughts out.

Now I'm ready to jump into bed. Stay strong bloggers =]

Danny

Changing the Old, Starting the New...right?

Wait...a new year already? 

Image by: Dan Moyle

Well, first off I would like to say sorry for the lack of consistency in my writing. I have been traveling quite a lot where I almost just wanted to let my mind wander and collect some random thoughts. Which brings us to now.

To start, Happy New Year! All the sudden, 2013 has rushed by and 2014 has now arrived. Now, I am not usually one to make resolutions, but this year I guess I sort of did come up with my own year long challenges. 

Like I said I have been doing a lot of self-reflection lately in my time of being absent here. I also have just read through some of my old posts, journal entries (especially those which did not make it on here to my blog), and came up with...I guess you could call them "resolutions"...but I'm gonna stick with challenges =] Anyways, they were quite simple ones, so I am hoping I will be able to carry them out throughout the year. The first one I think can relate to us all. 

       1. Be Nicer to Myself - I think we all could have this as a "resolution." I know for many of us, we are our own worst enemy. Or in the case of my "dark passenger," have them inside us. Especially now after reading some of my past journal entries that I did not post, I prevented myself to having chance to be happy just because of how I was thinking. The negative thoughts in me were still so loud (and sometimes they definitely still are) that they can quite literally steal the happiness that could be right around the corner. Let us make 2014 a year where we try our hardest to fight off the negativity that tries its hardest to control our lives. Don't get me wrong, I know there are definitely going to be times where it just doesn't even seem possible. But all I am saying, at least for myself, is that I am going to try as hard as I can, harder than I ever have before, to  push the negativity out as much as I can. 

       2. Uncensored Writings  - For myself, I have decided that all my entries that I write in my journal, need to be posted. There are certain ones that I leave in there just because at the time they were written, things were happening that just made the posts much more negative than positive. But I was thinking...this is MY blog. At first, I was scared that posting some of those entries would spread the negativity going on in my head (I still really hope this does not happen). But on my blog, in order for me to write consistently and honestly, I need to include the hardships and negativity that is trying to fight its way to control my head.

I know some people are really good at just letting the positive in and pushing all the negative out, but in no case is that me. Plus, I have truly seen the community that is here in the blogosphere and have already received the kindest of words and help from people. Something I definitely did not expect to happen so soon. So if any of you have criticisms, advice, thoughts, or anything else, I would love to hear them on any post. 

Again, blogging has already been such a blessing for me. Just that so many different people have reached out, already means so much. It has definitely shown me that with what I was going through, I am not alone. In part, this is why I wanted to include everything, including some of the very dark or negative moments, in my posts. So that if someone is out there, going through the same thing, they too can know they are not alone. Just knowing that one simple fact saved my life once upon a time. 

I strongly believe we are all in this together. Life can consist of so many unpleasant moments where being able to just let it out and get some support can have so much positive power... and definitely even kickstart someones healing process like it did mine. 

Anyways, so I guess those were my two resolutions... or challenges...or goals.. or whatever you wanna call them for the next year. 2014

A new year and an opportunity to wipe the slate clean. 

Did you guys make resolutions?

Psychological Warfare of Addiction

Help. Such a simple word, yet one that seems impossible to pass through our lips sometimes. I know this is definitely the case for me. Even in the most critical moments, moments that quite possibly could determine the rest of my life, that one stupid word seems to just not be an option at all, hiding in the very corner of my mind.

If there is one thing I can tell you about me, is that in person I can seem incredibly closed off. I guess a lot of us can be, which is why writing turns out to be such a blessing sometimes. In fact, at times I don't even know what the hell is going on in my head until it goes down on paper.

Help. Why is this word so hard for me to say. I don't know. If I had look back at my past, I remember me being the one finding most of the friends that had unfortunately overdosed or killed themselves most of the time. Too many. And it was me who had to tell the rest of my circle. It was me who was there to help some of the parents cope (I was a very functional addict so they had no idea I was involved in the same world).

I was already pretty good at turning that emotional switch off in my head, so I felt I just had to take care of the others. There wasn't another option. And I guess from then on, everything just stayed that way.

I have to say I was doing alright the past few months. At least I think I was. Like I said, most of the times I don't know what is going on in my head without a paper and a pen. But even with those in hand, I can't figure out what it was in the recent weeks that triggered the mind game my dark passenger decided to put into play.

Help. I can feel him trying to take control of the wheel and it's definitely getting harder to fight him off. To be completely honest, I'm scared that there are times where I almost want to let him win. The dreams of death, and the flashbacks of emotional floods haven't stopped for quite some time now and it's definitely taken a toll.

Image by: Sarah

If the psychological warfare doesn't cease any time soon I don't know what is going to happen, and that is not a chance I am willing to take. Tomorrow, I will go to my MD, and be completely honest about how I feel. I just can't wait to see what comes blubbering out of my mouth. 

So yes, help will finally be asked for.

Finally following my own advice. I mean shit, we all need help at some point right?        (YES)

Anyway, STAY STRONG BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE

MISSING: Winter Codeine Blanket

Image by: Akzidenzsetzer

That time of the year is here once again. The crisp cool air is beginning to roll back in, followed by those dark clouds and the release of rain. It is the kind of weather that I love. I guess it kinda reminds me of my early childhood back in Ireland. And besides, who doesn't love breaking out their whole set of favorite winter coats and jackets.

Anyways, there is something new about the cold seasons that unfortunately brought my excitement down a few levels. Basically this weather and time of year is just one big trigger for me now. Can that even be possible? I mean, last years winter, with it being my first, was definitely a tough one. Every day I had such strong cravings. The kind where the frustration would just bring you to the point of uncontrollable tears.

Anyone who has ever taken any kind of painkillers or any kind of Opiates, knows that warm blanket that gets immediately dropped in your lap the second those chemicals take effect. So I am thinking that might be the reason why it hit me so hard at first? Who knows.

This time around I can already feel that it will be easier, but I know the frustration will still make itself known here and there. I really don't know why this time of year affects me this much. I mean I know I didn't physically feel the cold as much, but I don't think that is the only reason why it became that big of a trigger. Do any of you guys get it?

Well until something about this makes more sense, this is how I am currently looking at it. I feel like maybe the pills added that extra bit of synthetic euphoria to something that already made me really happy. So ultimately while I was using, I feel like I got used to a raised "excitement level."

So for now I am trying to remember that it was all chemical and not real. What I found that really helped me was to just actually go sit out at my favorite coffee shop (or somewhere nice outside), and just remember what I really enjoyed about the upcoming season. I sat there, sometimes for a few minutes....sometimes for an hour.

As soon as I remembered the actual things that I enjoyed about my favorite time of year, the cravings slowly went away. And honestly, there were actually many things I forgot I liked about some of these places, since being loaded doesn't really let you feel much.

So figuring that out made me look at many other situations the same way. When I first got sober, i remember just everything being so dull without the drugs. But again, like I have said in so many of my posts, it really just comes down to having to rewire our brains. We are really forced to just dig deep inside, get past the good times we THOUGHT we had on drugs, and figure out what it was that really made us happy.

Sitting in that chair, letting the cold breeze wash over my face, while the sweet smell of my Caramel Macchiatto drifted up to my nose, is when I remembered that it was this that I really liked. The calmness. Not synthetic or chemical calmness, but actual calmness.

Well I guess that is on trigger I can cross of the very long list. Addiction has a way to keep on surprising me. It really just makes me assume that the enjoyment I had in the past came from the high itself, when all along it was just a cover. Just my dark passenger, once again, trying to lure me back to his side.

All it takes is some work and reminding. I had been on his side for seven years, and it wasn't anything to be missed. It is in this world...this scary, uncomfortable, but new and exciting world that there is still so much for me....for all of us to figure out.

Stay strong fellow bloggers.

Oh... Im Just an Addict

Alright so after some time of trying to get ourselves back together after getting sober, we are ready to get back into that scary but exciting world of dating. Let me first say... this seemed so much easier than before haha. Also though, I noticed that I was missing out on many of the pleasant emotions that were numbed out along with all the bad ones.

Anyway, this is more of a reaching out post than anything. Getting back into the "dating world" is always intimidating, but everything really does feel so new. And honestly, I don't know why I am so surprised that everything has been new to me this past year.

But I guess one of the main things that has been constantly worrying me was the immediate comparison that I automatically make the more I like someone. It's just one of those things that start off as a whisper, and eventually turns into an ear-piercing scream. Let me explain:

The more I start to have an interest in someone, the comparisons start. Like say [insert name here] has had a great past, done all these great things, and so and so. As happy as I am for them, one sentence is on repeat going around in my head: "Oh... I'm Just an Addict."

I was really thinking about all of this recently. And the only thing that came to my mind was going back to my dark passenger. For the whole seven years, it was just me, him, and our drugs. My partner in love WAS my dark passenger, and no one else mattered. So in a way I am trying to think of those insecure thoughts as the jealous feelings of my dark passenger. He wants to continue the dangerous love affair that continued for too long, when in fact I know I am better without him.

For anyone who doesn't know, my dark passenger is what I call the thoughts and insecurities branching from my addiction. 

We are all more than just the addicts we used to be. So when it comes to deciding on who our significant other is, I think we just have to make sure they support, and encourage the route of sobriety we chose to take, and not force their own program onto us. That just creates way too much tension which eventually leads to a downfall.

And if you are deciding on the route with someone who has not dealt with addiction, I found that just telling the exact truth seems to work the best. If it is too much for them, then so be it. We all need someone who can accept our past for what it is, and who can support us and reassure us that they truly care.

So even though I may be far away from finding that special someone, at least I know that when I do find him, he will love me for ALL that I am. 

That is something that we all deserve. 

Picture found on: Neuhen Kisler on Flickr

Emotions Without Drugs

So what if it is one of those days and the tears happen to just keep pushing their way out. With all our might we try to remember the things that everyone keeps saying to us:

"Everything is just fine"

"You are, and everything is going to be OK"

And other positive stuff like that. Sometimes though, all of that does not keep us from screaming into a pillow or from throwing our phones at the wall (which we regret about 10 seconds after). Nor does it keep the tears from flowing down our faces, and unfortunately sometimes it doesn't keep us from wanting to use.

Sometimes, things just feel like complete shit. The day seems to just drag on, nothing seems exciting, and you get way too invested in the characters on Gray's Anatomy and end up crying at every slightly emotional thing. Just me? Well... you know what I mean. 

Alright so the past few days I have been thinking a whole lot (dangerous, I know). A lot about how for the past year there have been quite a bit of those shitty moments. A lot of them happen to be just trying to figure out how to live life sober again. 

Even though I appreciated them, those positive sayings that are thrown at us sometimes just agitated me even more. I can't really say why though. I guess they just made me feel like there was something wrong with me because nothing felt fine or like it was OK. It felt like the ground wouldn't stop shaking and I could barely keep my balance. 

So back to the thinking I was doing. I guess what really helped me was knowing that...well, sometimes things are going to go very wrong. Sometimes that what you really don't want happening, is exactly what will. And the thing is....it is completely normal. 

Imagine if life never consisted of "downs." At first it might seem like it would be perfect, but would it really? Would we even try to better ourselves, or to keep learning just because. Would we even be able to recognize the "ups" in life, or even appreciate them?

 

Alright so maybe knowing all this doesn't make those times easier, but for me knowing that it is completely normal took just enough weight off so that I could deal with it. We are so used to just having that easy fix. Whether it was going straight to the bottle, the pills, the pipe, or whatever poison we chose. I think that is why feeling like complete crap just felt so wrong. Like I was the only one that felt like that, when in truth, every single other person goes through the same stuff. We just now need to find the best way for us to deal with these times other than how we did in the past. 

Well I hope all this made sense. And I hope all of you had a good weekend. 

Till next time. 

Drugs, Present, Happiness

I found myself thinking a lot of my past. Reminiscing on the times I thought were good times, and trying to cope with the times that were the darkest. I don't know why the past has been on my mind so much, but I didn't like it. I find that in my down time is when the thoughts come to attack , and lately I have had a lot of down time. I keep trying to busy myself in someway, but it just wasn't enough.

The thoughts of the last seven years kept rushing through my mind. It was more though that I was blaming everything on my past. I am now a little over a year sober and the struggle is still a daily one. It isn't that I expected this to be easy, but I guess I am still used to getting the "quick fix" that I thought the drugs gave me. Having to slowly process things and work through the pain is still something that I am getting struggling with.

When I was sitting in my room, wallowing in my self-pity, I was watching some show when I heard:

"You might be dwelling on the past because you are unhappy with the present..."

I really thought about that for a good minute. I mean, it is not that I am generally unhappy, I guess I just wanted to be completely somewhere else in my life entirely. I am now 22 and I feel I am so many years behind. This has been one of my worries ever since I stepped out of rehab.

I think it all just goes back to having to fight your own thoughts. I have to remember that I am still alive and that I am sober. That is the most important part. And like I said in my last post, being alive means that we have the chance to better our lives for ourselves. We have the chance to change our present and work on it until it is something that we are happy with. And as long as we keep doing that, I don't think it matters how old we are. As long as we keep doing that, we truly are alive.

If we are in a time in our life where we think all we see is ruins, there are a few things we can do. We can either concentrate on the bad and just stare out in misery, or put in the work and build something we are happy with.

Picture by: Nico Nelson

And for me personally, I would much rather put in the work and get rid of the ruins.

I think I had the idea that after some time of sobriety, I would just be done working on getting back to a "happy place." I would just be in a place of content. I was wrong...but now that I think about it, I am happy that I was wrong. It means that we have a constant opportunity to improve.

And whatever "improving" means, is up to you. And.. well, to put it simply, that is pretty damn cool.

Drugs, Love, Sex ?

Alright, so we are finally sober. After the first few days are over and the pink cloud has drifted away, we all the sudden, some of us anyway, feel an overwhelming amount of one of those feelings that we have been trying to numb out for so long.

Loneliness definitely being one of them.

One of the few things that touches every single person in this world. Speaking from personal experience and from many of those around me, lots of us try to get ourselves involved in some kind of relationship when we feel this. Whether we are trying to occupy our time with meaningless sex or just trying to obtain that feeling of being needed, we are in some way or another hoping that the loneliness will wither away. 

And as much as some people will try to deny it, I believe most, if not all of us want love. That stupid, unpredictable, complicated, irrational, crazy love. But at some point though we all have to ask ourselves if we are actually ready for that emotional roller coaster of commitment.

At first, the thought of having someone around seems to be just what we need to heal our emotional wounds. Soon after jumping into some kind of relationship though, I think we start to realize that just like the drugs, it only temporarily had us feeling better. 

Being in the early stages of sobriety are already hard enough, from having to deal with the wounds we have been ignoring, and from just trying to figure out how to live life "normally." Adding something as complex as a relationship at this time and having it work out seems almost impossible to me. Don't get me wrong, I am sure it can be done by some of you...just definitely not by me... not that it stopped me from trying.

After about two short-lived relationship attempts, I decided to (for the first time in a VERY long time) actually focus on me. There was still so many things I had to figure out about not only my past, but what I want as the new person I am trying to become. I now know I had to first learn to accept myself and feel comfortable with who I am to ever even have a chance at a successful commitment. 

Leaving those kinds of wounds open and not giving yourself time to heal and move on only paves the way to more insecurities, trust issues, and all that other stuff that usually tears any couple apart.

In no way can I give professional advice... this is solely based on my experience. There is one thing that I wanna include to end this post with. As tempting as it might be to rush into something, I really believe it is much more enjoyable if you first take the time to really have some "me time." For so long have we been trying our best to really avoid looking inward, but that obviously has not done us any good. Agree so far?

After having that desperately needed "me time" and felt I had really started to heal, I noticed things from my past popped up less and less, letting the insecurities stay silent rather than screaming in my face at every second. 

No matter what you have done, what people have thought of you, we all have a chance to make ourselves into something we are proud of. We all have the power to slowly heal ourselves making it possible to move on. We all deserve to forgive and love ourselves, but most importantly, we all deserve to be loved. Never think otherwise. 

Simple Works.

Do you ever get in those moods. I feel in my recovery, that feeling has visited me a number of times now. I was reading a fellow bloggers post and it just really made me think. To summarize his post, it basically covered the topic of lack of motivation. Being completely, "underwhelmed by life."

(Photo taken from: Scott Robinson on Flickr)

I automatically knew exactly what he was talking about just because of how common it is for me to feel that way. Talking to some other addicts has told me they go through this (not so exciting) period quite often as well. Alright... so how do we fix it?

If I had that answer, I would be doing my happy dance right now (yes I have one). But I don't have the answer, so I won't get to do my longed for victory dance.

What I did figure out though, is something that at least gets my ass out of the chair and pushes those feelings back a little. And when you are at that point ( where you don't see the point of getting dressed, the curtains have to be closed, and you are watching episode after episode of whatever you haven't seen on Netflix yet), it only really takes a little to make you feel a whole lot better.

So back to what helps me. I'm sure many of you already do this, and for some it might not do anything, but if you know this feeling and haven't tried this, I hope it helps.

Mini-Goals. 

Yup. Small daily or weekly goals. For me it helps if I write it down somewhere. Specifically I write it on a small whiteboard I got. I guess it is something about the weird satisfaction I get from crossing or checking something off....is that weird? Well anyways, that is what I do.

Oh and for the goals? It can literally be anything. For me it has been a lot of studying, or chores and errands, or photography, or cleaning..literally anything. If you need to go somewhere on a certain day, write it down. When you come back from whatever it was, check it off.

So yes, it is definitely extremely simple, but it helps. It gives me that satisfaction of knowing I am getting something done. I am actually accomplishing something. It makes me feel like I am not just sitting around and wasting away. Then, that little bit of motivation I get helps me set bigger goals for my future that I actually really want to reach.

Again, it might seem lame or overly simple, but we all just need that little bit of a push to get us back in the swing of things.

So if this is how you have been feeling lately, think about doing it. It really is the small stuff that actually helps quite a lot. Besides, Netflix will always be there later. Don't worry I checked ;)

The Addict AND You

Whether it is you first week sober or you are reaching your 5 year mark, we will always remember the shame and guilt that comes with getting clean. There comes a time though, after we have learned from our mistakes, where you should be allowed to move on. Enough emotional and physical pain has been endured. In no way am I saying that the person you were should be forgotten about, but I believe that it should be known that we have all made quite the change. When we make the choice to decide to get clean, we slowly start ripping out the monster that had possessed us for so long. 

That's the thing... Addiction changes you. And with all the hard work that comes with getting clean and reverting back to a "normal" lifestyle, it is something that everyone deserves to move on from.  

Something that I really wanted to bring up in this post though is that some people won't let you separate yourself from the addict. You have apologized as much as you can. Really tried your best to explain that the person you have changed into is nothing like the one that was. It can be a complete stranger, or someone who you have known for years. If it is the latter then that is when it can be really frustrating and hard.

I believe to really understand addiction, what it does, how it makes you feel, how it simply takes over every part of who you are, you have had to of gone through it. 

So that is why I can't be angry at the people who don't accept the change we go through. Why I can't be mad by the choices they make to not trust, or to not see us as a completely different person, and for relationships to not go back to how they used to be. It definitely sucks yeah, but if we have tried multiple times to apologize and try to prove we have changed, there is not much more we can do.

My opinion on this now? Just another part of this struggle we have to go through. At first I didn't want to accept that I might have to let go of more people, but then we need to realize that we deserve the chance to change.

We already accomplished the hardest step. We got clean. Now it is as simple as bettering our lives for no one other than ourselves. Part of that involves surrounding ourselves with people who give me, you...all of us support. It is a brand new part of our lives where we have to opportunity to rebuild, and start new. No one should get in the way of that for us.

So if it comes to a point where someone is constantly dangling your past in front of you after many attempts to heal the relationship, it is time to accept them not being able to understand. Many other people out there will support you. Many other people can be in our life without having to bring us down. And remember we deserve that chance to move on. Not forget, but move on. In no way is it their fault, but it isn't fair to us either. 

4:45 A.M & Sober

It is nights like tonight that just make me really happy. Wasn't anything extravagant or anything...rather simple actually. A few close friends came over and we all just enjoyed each others company and watched some movies. When I was still living in my world controlled by drugs and my addiction I could never fully appreciate something like this. 

Before I got sober I am pretty sure I would be out with people till sunrise almost every night. Doing whatever really. And naturally many of them were dealing with the same strangling addiction that I was. But at some point I always questioned if some of these people were around because they actually really cared about me, or if it had more to do with the drugs.

I think many addicts sometimes feel this way. We never really know who are "real" friends are when drugs are involved. It was definitely something that I questioned many times throughout the years. 

I think that is why nights like these feel so special to me now. Just another reason why getting sober has made life better. The people that stick around and are willing to just have a lazy night and hangout are... well, they actually want to be there. Not because drugs were available, but because they actually want to be there with you.  

I am looking around at my friends, who are now either drooling on a pillow, snoring, or both, and can't help but just smile. I'm smiling because...I mean it would definitely be an amazing picture if I wasn't to lazy to go find my phone, but I am mainly smiling just because when you are sober you can actually feel a real friendship. I don't really know how else to explain it...but I like it. 

I hope everyone beats addiction for so many reasons. But I think this is one that I would put at one of the best. Just being able to feel the connection from people, as well as the happiness that comes from that.

Everyone deserves to feel that. 

Friday for an Addict

So today has definitely been "one of them days." I guess for the past few days I already haven't been feeling that great. I can't really put my finger on why I have been feeling all down... which makes it even more annoying. Anyone else get annoyed at that?

Anyways, I went to a place that my friends are always at, and usually when I go there my day gets better. Of course this was just one of those days where it feels like life just has you in its crosshairs. My friends were out of town and the place was filled with the drunk and high lot that I use to be a part of.

I started wondering if I had sobered up at too early of an age. Was I missing out on things of my youth? The times that are supposed to make up for the best years of my life? These were some of the thoughts that were screaming at me in my head. 

Whatever age a recovering addict is, there are always moments where we just get to that point of really questioning if sobriety is worth it. If the sober life was really that much better than being addicted. 

It takes a quick few minutes to step outside of yourself and look at the situation to realize even questioning this is crazy. When I really thought about what life was like back then, I remembered the dangerous situations I got myself in, the constant stress about having enough of my stuff so I don't get sick, the friends I lost, and the insane amounts of money I spent. This is just some of the stuff that could be put on the "cons" list, but I could add to that list all night.

Addiction does weird things to you, even after you have been clean for some time. It has a way of sometimes making you only think about the good times. In reality, when you really think about it, the bad times happened much more frequently. The drugs just have a way of pushing them out of sight. 

I realized that now that I did get sober, it IS actually possible for me to make it the best times of my life. When I look back at the times of my addiction I don't see them as some great times that were had. And that would be the same in the future if I decided to go back to the drugs now. It would just be a waste of time, that is if I were to make it out alive. 

So I drove home with a smile on my face. Why?

I don't need to worry about getting dope-sick, I don't need to worry about having enough money for drugs, and the money I do have can be spent on me. I don't need to meet up with shady and dangerous people, I can actually remember the good times I have, and so much more. Yeah I might have to turn down a few parties, but that won't be what I remember from my 20's when I look back at them. 

I will remember getting clean, facing all the struggles I was avoiding with drugs and overcoming them. I will remember not giving up. I will remember so much more then just getting messed up like I did in the past. But most of all, I will remember rebuilding my life into something that is positive. 

So when it feels like life has you in its crosshairs, just remember to keep moving forward. Going back to drugs would only make you an easier target. 

Addiction Recovery doesn't have a timeline

"It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop." 

-Confucius 

It's definitely a simple quote, but I think that it relates a lot to how I look at recovering from addiction. Just like my last post stated, no one plan works for everyone. The one thing that everyone though will have in common is having to fight your way through the wreckage our addiction has left behind.

In my own recovery there were so many times that I questioned if this was even worth it. I just wanted to feel so much happier than I was. "It's been (X) months and I still feel crappy," went through my mind so many times. What about you guys... have you ever felt that way?

It was around that time I saw this quote. I read it over and over again just so it would really be engraved in my mind.

Everyone heals differently. We all have our own little ways of getting through something. Our own coping methods. So when I read stories online about people being clean for six, or even three months and they were saying how happy they were, I no longer questioned what I was doing wrong.

Everyone's war they are fighting has different durations, different obstacles, and so on. Does that make sense or am I starting to ramble again? I tend to do that.. sorry :p

Well on those bad days, we just have to remember to take it slower than usual. Definitely keep fighting on, just at a slower pace so no overwhelming can happen.

Never compare your recovery to anyone else's in a sense that you aren't feeling like (insert name here) was at 5 months. All we need to focus on is getting better. At whatever rate we are comfortable.

Overcoming Addiction: What's better for YOU?

Recently I was asked by a fellow blogger if I personally believe someone can beat addiction on their own. This really made me think for a few minutes. There was no way I could give a simple 2-3 sentence reply to that question so I decided to try to unravel my thoughts here.

Addiction is something I believe to affect everyone differently. The drugs we use differ, our habits are different, our routines, but most importantly, the methods that work for one to get clean and sober definitely are not all the same.

Back to the question. There are several ways I took this question, but in each version it all came down to one thing:

It depends on the person

For some people the only thing that makes it possible to stay clean is the AA/NA programs that are out there. By going to meetings and working the steps, many get the relief and support they need. For others though, it simply just is not for them. Working the program just doesn’t give them what they need, for some reason or another.

That was the case for me. I tried it out for a few months but quickly realized I needed to go a different route. What continues to work for me is seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist. With them, a specific plan was created just for me in a way that I was most comfortable with. This included some SSRI’s for example, along with hour-long sessions with the shrink to have the opportunity to talk some of that “stuff” out. Like all addicts, I wasn’t sure if this was going to work but at that point I was willing to try anything.

Now here I am 14 months later, still sober, and doing better that I ever thought I would at this point. For me the programs just made me constantly think of addiction which made me want to use. I figured out that going back to living life in a “normal” way was the only thing that was going to work for me.

Support is always crucial.

If you are working the program, doing what I did, or doing something else…I can not stress enough how important it is to have at least some kind of support group. Whether that be some part of your family, a few friends, or even an online community, just have support.

There is still many other ways I could answer this question, but I feel like I have already wrote half a novel. But again, it really just depends on the person and what works for them.

To anyone still struggling to find what works for them, please do not give up. It is hard but it IS possible. This, I am sure of.

Feel free to contact me to chat about anything.                   libordanny@yahoo.com 

Sober Complications: Part 1

There comes a point in sobriety when the time that we were addicted seems like a completely different life. All the sudden my worries were in a completely different category. For the first time I was thinking about the future...and it really scared me. At first all I could think about was all the time that I had wasted. Everyone I had graduated high school with was just getting out of college and moving on with their professional life. So badly did I want to be at the same place as they all were.

I beat myself up for quite some time before I mentioned it to my counselor. His exact words escape me at this moment but he basically told me that my life just went down a different path. The experiences I had gone through, and the lessons I have learned could not of been taught in school or anywhere else. I thought about this for quite some time before I learned to appreciate it.

It is still a struggle sometimes for me to stay positive with this, but I have to remember that the one thing that truly matters was that I got sober. The reason I wanted to talk about this was that I found out many felt the same way.

No matter what time in our lives we managed to get sober....well, that should be all that matters. We got sober. Yes, many mistakes were probably made, but by getting clean, we have avoided making so many more. We now have the chance to make our lives better than ever before with a new appreciation for life in general. I think I am starting to ramble, but if you ask me... learning to appreciate life again in a whole new way is something that makes up for the time we struggled with addiction.

Our lives may be different, but it is up to us to decide if we want to make that something positive, or something negative.