How Can I Help?

How can I help? What a strong question that gets belittled each and every day. Do we really mean it when we say it?

Anyway, it's the title of a book I had to read for a class I was taking. Not to sound like a preacher, but I definitely think this is a book we should all read.

Whatever we are going through, I feel this brook will help you look at things just a bit differently. It really made me think; how I looked at life, the world around me, and the things I am doing every single day.

To be perfectly honest, sometimes the book made me feel like shit. But don't get me wrong, it is still an amazing book.

How can I describe it? I guess the title says it all. It not only makes you ask yourself how you can help the people and world around you, but even more importantly, it makes you think about how you can help yourself.

From anything I have learned in sobriety, which still doesn't even amount too much, is that we all need to help ourselves first. Before anything else we try to tackle with someone else.

Whether it is be being depressed as hell, angry as shit, or just craving that chemical help that we addicts were so fond of, it makes us really look deep inside ourselves and reach into the guts and messy shit we stored in the back of our minds that we don't want to deal with.

Trust me, I know that sounds terrible; just writing it made me realize that. But it helps you figure out the questions we need to ask ourselves to bring the fucked up shit to the front of the mind without having to kick it away with all your might. It does it in a subtle way that also gives you the strength the follow through.

I know, I've been writing more of a book review than a blog post, but I felt like I had to share this book. It's got nothing to do with AA or NA, but just plain old yourself and the world in the way you see it. It has already helped me figure some stuff out, and showed me things that I really need to work on. I'm sure it can, if not help you, change your perspective on some things in a positive way.

Alright, I'm done ranting. Just wanted to share something I thought might help.

Stay Strong Beautiful People

Life, Fear, & the Ego

It has been a long time since I have actually been able to sit down, write, and finish by posting whatever my mind threw at the screen. I have... quite a lot of drafts saved up that I couldn't get myself to post for some reason. For a while, I think I felt that I didn't have anything positive or good enough to say.

So many things were happening that were dragging me down. So many negative things kept flying at me, slowly breaking me apart. I know, I ignored my own advice, and kept quiet about it all. All this led to me, once again, falling back to a place where I felt numbing out my emotions was what I needed to do.(WHY?!) 

So now that I am in the process of climbing out of the dark hole I threw myself in, I can't help but be a little disappointed in myself. Then again, it is just one more lesson that was thrown at me so that hopefully, I learn from my mistake...that was made multiple times. 

Anyway, over the past few months, I was asking a lot of people a few questions; some of them I knew, others I didn't. Mostly the questions were for a book I am writing, but there is one thing that was present in almost everyone's answer that I wanted to talk about. (Stick with me here, it all ties together)

Fear. In one way or another, when I asked about certain subjects, such as how they make decisions, their goals, their personality, they were all influenced by fear. I guess that is the main reason I couldn't get myself to post all that I had written too. "It's not good enough," or, "I should be doing better," or any of those bullshit thoughts, are all the voice of the ego.

All of us, or at least most, are guilty of letting fear control the decisions we make almost every day. Whether we know it or not, I feel like fear has become so deeply instilled in us that we honestly don't even recognize it anymore. I know for me personally, this has been true for a long time now. Don't get me wrong, if you are one of the few that has been able to shut it out, my hat is off to you. But for the rest of us, and I know this is 100% true for myself, it is going to take a lot of work to not only ignore the fear, but recognize where the fear is lurking.

"So many choose our path out of fear disguised as practicality" 

This is the quote that made me think about all of this. When I first heard it, I must of repeated it about 10 times in my head. I flipped through some of the responses I had written down from those who had answered my questions, and many had said something along the lines of, "I'm more of a practical person," and,  "I don't let emotions effect me." Even many of the people I know or grew up with have a kind of mindset that blocking out emotions is something that betters us, or protects us in some way. 

I mean, shit, isn't this kind of what I was doing the past few months? 

So then it got me thinking, how much of that "practical" way of life, is one that is really based on fear. Where we make decisions based on past experiences where the end result was pain. Is it understandable? Hell yeah, and sometimes I don't think it is even something that is bad. It is when we let ourselves build it all up inside so that we get calloused to not only the bad, but the world in general.  

Picture by: Cuito Cuanavale

I think that is the cycle that I am trying to break right now. I think it is definitely good to be weary about some things, but not to be so numb and calloused towards so much that this world has to offer... and with the many years of my life that I already gave away to addiction, I want to experience all I can and not let fear or ego control my choices. Because when you think about it, once you let fear move in and start changing the way you think, it starts taking over almost every decision that you can make. Whether it be debating on doing something that day, some other choice, and especially in relationships and love interests. I think it is with the latter that I really need to remember this quote and try to push that fear as far away as I can.  

I think it is a part of that complete feeling of peace that so many of us are constantly trying to achieve. But, in order to get there, we have to let that armor go. Let the real you decide, not fear. 

"There are two choices in this world: Love, or Fear. Choose love, and don't ever let fear turn you against your heart."

Don't Live Dead

Alright so the year has officially settled in and most of us are getting back to our regular routines. I am even already starting to write down the correct year when I am required to enter the date (good sign!). But still being so early in the new year, I feel so many of us still continue to reflect on the previous year in all different kinds of ways.

We think about 2013 and think about all those moments that really stick out. The funny, the surprising, the happy, and so on. But I feel some of the moments that stick out the most are the ones that can be considered the, "bad," ones. Everyone's bad of last year is most likely different and can vary from the ones that hurt the most, or the ones that stick out in your head that continues to be something you want to change or do something about. I mean, for a lot of us, this is where our, "New Year's Resolutions" come from right?

So I was minding my own business at my favorite Coffee House, and there was a few people sitting close to me that were having a certain conversation. Ok... so that's where the minding my own business kinda came to a stop. Sorry group of 4 or 5 strangers.

Anyways, the conversation was all based on the year and a certain...quote I guess you could call it, that I am sure everyone has heard some kind of version of. I forget which one they read because I didn't want to add to my creepy level and get closer to their computer screen, but it was the one that basically states that hopes and expectations are the main cause for pain. To sum up everything, they were saying that for this year they will try to not have any hopes and get rid of their expectations.

Ok hold up, I don't usually do this..ya know, do the creepy listening in on thing, but it was about something I had just seen going around like crazy on Tumblr and was planning on writing about anyway...so that's my excuse.

Anyhow. Don't hold me to this but I think it was Shakespeare that was first quoted with this? Well, I remember hearing it or seeing it around quite a few times already throughout my life. Every single time I would whole-heartedly agree. Even after I got out of rehab I was still in agreeance...and to be completely honest, I have to fight myself to push that mindset away still sometimes to this day.

I remember the day that I really thought about this whole idea for quite some time. Actually trying to live life without any expectations or hopes. So no expectations for the day to be good, no expectations for your friends or family to treat you well or anything like that. And then for the getting rid of our hopes bit. Having no hope. Sure, goals can still be made , but the hope and expectations we usually have to get there, just would not exist. So in the end, if the goal is not reached, or you think you "failed" at something, would there still be no pain? If we did not have expectations of the people we decide to keep close , would we still be affected by them treating us wrongly? Could we still just shrug it off, walk away and just forget about it?

 

Image by: Nina Matthews

Maybe, maybe not. But all I know is that hope and expectations have done a lot of good in my life. Keeping my expectations of how I should be treated and how any kind of relationship should go about in my life needs a few expectations. Not many, but just a few. I know for a while when I didn't have expectations from my partner, not only did it get abusive, but simply nothing about it was good. The people we DECIDE to keep in our lives should be the ones that we know that truly care. So we SHOULD be able to hold them to certain expectations. Ones that we should of course be held to as well. Being nice, caring, showing empathy, love and care...you know, things like that.  I feel it is not only a matter of respecting others, but also having to do with having respect for ourselves. 

And for my quick opinion on trying not to have any hope. Sure it can be possible, but is it something we really want. For a long time hope was something that was completely lacking in my life; I couldn't find it anywhere I looked. 

Looking back, I think I was scared. Maybe scared to see something I hadn't in almost a decade, a world of possibilities...a "normal" world. I had no idea what a normal world could be anymore, but I didn't know if I could handle the challenges of sobriety. 

The way I see it now? Hope is something we should all have. In fact, maybe even something we need. If not, the short and fragile life we have will not only become dull, but will be a waste of everyones talents and possibilities. Our hope is what pushes us to keep going. Our hope is what keeps us from giving up. Our hope is what keeps our spirit alive. 

Just because we haven't gotten somewhere, only means we haven't gotten there yet. That's definitely something I have learned in my short year and a half of sobriety. And one thing I can promise you all, is that if I didn't regain my hope in thinking I could even get to where I am now, I most likely would not still be here writing this right now. 

So in the end, keep those hopes and expectations. It might just save your spirit, and even your life as it did mine. 

Changing the Old, Starting the New...right?

Wait...a new year already? 

Image by: Dan Moyle

Well, first off I would like to say sorry for the lack of consistency in my writing. I have been traveling quite a lot where I almost just wanted to let my mind wander and collect some random thoughts. Which brings us to now.

To start, Happy New Year! All the sudden, 2013 has rushed by and 2014 has now arrived. Now, I am not usually one to make resolutions, but this year I guess I sort of did come up with my own year long challenges. 

Like I said I have been doing a lot of self-reflection lately in my time of being absent here. I also have just read through some of my old posts, journal entries (especially those which did not make it on here to my blog), and came up with...I guess you could call them "resolutions"...but I'm gonna stick with challenges =] Anyways, they were quite simple ones, so I am hoping I will be able to carry them out throughout the year. The first one I think can relate to us all. 

       1. Be Nicer to Myself - I think we all could have this as a "resolution." I know for many of us, we are our own worst enemy. Or in the case of my "dark passenger," have them inside us. Especially now after reading some of my past journal entries that I did not post, I prevented myself to having chance to be happy just because of how I was thinking. The negative thoughts in me were still so loud (and sometimes they definitely still are) that they can quite literally steal the happiness that could be right around the corner. Let us make 2014 a year where we try our hardest to fight off the negativity that tries its hardest to control our lives. Don't get me wrong, I know there are definitely going to be times where it just doesn't even seem possible. But all I am saying, at least for myself, is that I am going to try as hard as I can, harder than I ever have before, to  push the negativity out as much as I can. 

       2. Uncensored Writings  - For myself, I have decided that all my entries that I write in my journal, need to be posted. There are certain ones that I leave in there just because at the time they were written, things were happening that just made the posts much more negative than positive. But I was thinking...this is MY blog. At first, I was scared that posting some of those entries would spread the negativity going on in my head (I still really hope this does not happen). But on my blog, in order for me to write consistently and honestly, I need to include the hardships and negativity that is trying to fight its way to control my head.

I know some people are really good at just letting the positive in and pushing all the negative out, but in no case is that me. Plus, I have truly seen the community that is here in the blogosphere and have already received the kindest of words and help from people. Something I definitely did not expect to happen so soon. So if any of you have criticisms, advice, thoughts, or anything else, I would love to hear them on any post. 

Again, blogging has already been such a blessing for me. Just that so many different people have reached out, already means so much. It has definitely shown me that with what I was going through, I am not alone. In part, this is why I wanted to include everything, including some of the very dark or negative moments, in my posts. So that if someone is out there, going through the same thing, they too can know they are not alone. Just knowing that one simple fact saved my life once upon a time. 

I strongly believe we are all in this together. Life can consist of so many unpleasant moments where being able to just let it out and get some support can have so much positive power... and definitely even kickstart someones healing process like it did mine. 

Anyways, so I guess those were my two resolutions... or challenges...or goals.. or whatever you wanna call them for the next year. 2014

A new year and an opportunity to wipe the slate clean. 

Did you guys make resolutions?

Psychological Warfare of Addiction

Help. Such a simple word, yet one that seems impossible to pass through our lips sometimes. I know this is definitely the case for me. Even in the most critical moments, moments that quite possibly could determine the rest of my life, that one stupid word seems to just not be an option at all, hiding in the very corner of my mind.

If there is one thing I can tell you about me, is that in person I can seem incredibly closed off. I guess a lot of us can be, which is why writing turns out to be such a blessing sometimes. In fact, at times I don't even know what the hell is going on in my head until it goes down on paper.

Help. Why is this word so hard for me to say. I don't know. If I had look back at my past, I remember me being the one finding most of the friends that had unfortunately overdosed or killed themselves most of the time. Too many. And it was me who had to tell the rest of my circle. It was me who was there to help some of the parents cope (I was a very functional addict so they had no idea I was involved in the same world).

I was already pretty good at turning that emotional switch off in my head, so I felt I just had to take care of the others. There wasn't another option. And I guess from then on, everything just stayed that way.

I have to say I was doing alright the past few months. At least I think I was. Like I said, most of the times I don't know what is going on in my head without a paper and a pen. But even with those in hand, I can't figure out what it was in the recent weeks that triggered the mind game my dark passenger decided to put into play.

Help. I can feel him trying to take control of the wheel and it's definitely getting harder to fight him off. To be completely honest, I'm scared that there are times where I almost want to let him win. The dreams of death, and the flashbacks of emotional floods haven't stopped for quite some time now and it's definitely taken a toll.

Image by: Sarah

If the psychological warfare doesn't cease any time soon I don't know what is going to happen, and that is not a chance I am willing to take. Tomorrow, I will go to my MD, and be completely honest about how I feel. I just can't wait to see what comes blubbering out of my mouth. 

So yes, help will finally be asked for.

Finally following my own advice. I mean shit, we all need help at some point right?        (YES)

Anyway, STAY STRONG BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE

Life After Drugs: Brick by Brick

Sorry to have definitely been lagging on the posting. I guess there has been so much going on to where I couldn't even sit down and think of one solid topic to talk about....

And I still couldn't really pick one solid topic yet, but one thing I have been noticing about myself is that my emotions are going haywire lately.

I guess to start off I need to explain a little bit about my past. I don't know if I have talked about any of this before but, more or less I was "trained" to push all sorts of emotions out of the way. So with this in mind, and endless amounts of heroin or some kind of painkillers, this really was not that hard to accomplish. At first, it was difficult to not let some of those emotions squeeze out, but after 7 years of constant practice, it simply became something that was normal.

Photo by: Rob Patrick

Emotions were mostly all faked. For lies, manipulations, etc. So as you might have guessed, that is what the shrink and I have mostly been working on. Letting emotions back through. Slowly...very slowly taking down the tower I had built, brick by brick. And damn did those emotions flood through.

Going though events slowly definitely helped not overloading a process that was already hard to go through.

Ok so fast-forward a little bit to now where most of those bricks have been taken down and emotions and feelings are running full course in my mind again. At first I always think of this as a bad thing, but I know it is an improvement. With drugs, even when we tried to numb ourselves, the bad and hurtful still got through to us. We still felt the pain and the crushing low points we were at. On the other hand, the happy things that we might of experienced were extremely belittled just because it was apart of the process.

Does any of this make sense to you guys. This was at least what happened in my case. Through the seven years of my addiction, I am sure there are many good moments that I had experienced, but honestly if you ask me to make a list I don't think I could go past number....six? Though if asked to make a list of all the bad, the ink in my pen would run out before I could finish.

Alright getting off track. Anyways, my point was that although it might be painful to kind of train yourself to go back to a place to feeling all emotions, I am starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

At first I was so stuck, I didn't know how to rip out those bricks I had bound together so tightly. Talking about it got the brick to budge, but it still would not fully give out. It was one day where there was so much frustration building up, and other things stacking up on top of each other, where for the first time, I just broke down. I cried...and cried...and just let it out.

The full emotion was felt for the first time. And for some reason, the brick now came out with ease.

I think all of us have a mentality where we need to be so strong all the time. And let me know if you think I am wrong, but maybe this is actually counter-productive in this case. I feel we all need to let ourselves be vulnerable at certain times and let everything bottled up just come out. Whether it be talking about it, or simply going through whatever "it" is and just letting ourselves actually feel that emotion that our tower has "protected" us from for so long.

Yes, it definitely can be hard, but I felt soon after I let that emotion be recognized and felt, it was something that was easier to deal with. Don't get me wrong, it is no way near a quick fix kind of method, but it is something that has worked for me when I keep at it. I have to remember that it can't just be all better the first time I try to pull that brick out, it takes some repetition.

After some time I notices my wall was starting to come lower and lower to the ground. Emotions, feelings, and all of that stuff was actually being felt on a daily basis, and it wasn't something I hated anymore. It was becoming my new normal.

We all let our tower or walls get so high when we were in the grasp of our addiction. I think that's why it was, and still is so hard for me to just deal with some things, but the point is, that it is getting easier. And above that, I am actually feeling some kind of happiness again. Not synthetic or chemically induced, but real happiness. Maybe not every day yet, but it has definitely been felt. And yes, that is something I am happy about. Knowing it is still possible to feel that for me, and for all of you.

We just can't give up. 

I don't know guys. As you guys can probably tell my mind has been everywhere lately, which will be evident in the next few posts I will put up. But for now, I think this is where I will end this one.

Stay strong.

Abuse? Rape? Drugs?

"The past is the past."

How many times have we heard that now? I could honestly not even tell you. It isn't even that it makes me mad I guess, just because deep down I know they could not understand. (No Offense)

I get it though, and don't get me wrong I don't completely disagree.

Now before I go on... AGAIN, I AM NO LICENSED THERAPIST OR ANY OTHER OF THAT.

Anyways, as I have said before, different things work for different people. Trying to forget it all and move on? Well, in the most polite way I can say it, there was no worse way for me to try to deal with it.

For a while I was just trying to push the memories out of my mind, using any sort of chemical help I thought would help. The only thing that achieved was a 7 year addiction and two good old overdoses where I ended up waking up in two overly bright hospital rooms. (I don't recommend it)

So then how the hell do we do it? Why can't we just go back to normal?

After some good time of just bouncing that question around in my head during endless walks on the beach, I gave up. There is no normal...

Nah, there is no forgetting that. And no one should even try to, trust me you will make yourself crazy.

So what am I doing now and what the hell does this whole post get to?

My Abuser, my Rapist, the blood that was spilt, and the pain and torture I experienced will be something that will be apart of me for the rest of my life. I've tried the running away, I've tried every synthetic chemical happiness this world has to offer, and, like I am sure you guys know, that doesn't do a whole lot.

I decided I couldn't let him win. They were not going to control my life, nor were the other experiences I was told to forget. These are all events that have already happened. That is something I can not do anything about. I had no other choice but to accept it. Sadly, don't we all?

I can't give you much advice with the unfortunate events that have happened in your life (as sorry as I am), but I can tell you what I did.

I let myself cry. I got angry...really damn angry. I cried more. And I had enough. The bullet had already pierced through my body and all I was doing was letting it bleed out. I saw myself in the mirror and all I saw was that big hole in my chest that was just getting bigger letting more and more of myself escape through it with how I was handling it. Looking up at my face shocked me even more, it just seemed like I was wearing a mask.

I was ready to win this battle. I did everything I could think off every day. At some time I knew that a slow healing process would close up the hole little by little; pieces of that mask were starting to crumble off right along with it.

So now. a few years later from all of that. Well yeah, it still hurts quite a damn lot sometimes, but it controls my life in a completely different way.

My strength comes from what I have endured. My determination comes from what had happened to show myself what exactly I can do. My hope, that I can try to help some other young that have been through some sort of the same thing. But most importantly...

It came down to one simple thing. I WILL DID NOT LET THEM STEAL MY LIFE.

Don't be scared of your previous chapters...after all, it's what makes our story and the ending so damn special. And the cool part about that...is that we have the power to write our ending exactly the way we want.

Picture by: Moyan Brenn

And I don't know about you, but I am nowhere near finished with mine.

Much Love fellow Bloggers.

Drugs.Change.Nostalgia.

Image by: Cliff1066

Nostalgia.

Something that can bring a smile to your face or the exact opposite. I think for the first year or so of sobriety the past shows up quite a bit in your thoughts. At least it most definitely did for me.

I was with a friend today and we both agreed that there are some things from the past that we really miss. And honestly, for quite some time I did not want to move on. I didn't want to let go, or even knew how to. I'm mostly talking about friends and the times that were shared. Maybe I was just young, but I definitely thought that some of the people who I considered  a close friend at the time, were going to remain in my life for a very long time.

I think the reason I wanted to hold on so badly was because right after you get clean, your normal everyday life is so extremely uncomfortable. So badly did I want something I was used to. So badly did I want the group of friends I used to have to come back so I could have just a little bit of that comfortable feeling. Of course, reintroducing them into my life would have been anything but helpful, I just didn't know it then.

Change.

That's all my life was about at that time... and pretty much still is. After some time I knew the only way my life was going to get better was if I not only accepted the change, but also embraced it. That was the part that was even harder. I never really liked change. If I felt comfortable in that moment, I did not see a point of changing anything. But when that change is the only way for you to survive, a choice doesn't really exist anymore.

"You can't cling on to the past because no matter how tightly you try to hold on, it's already gone."

    - Ted Mosby          

Yes, it is a quote from one of the main characters in How I met Your Mother. You have to agree though, he had a damn good point. The more we try to hold on, the further back we are going to have to reach. The further back we reach, the harder it is to keep our balance and move forward like we need to.

Happiness.

That is where I wanna be. I am not yet completely there, but I feel I am on my way. I definitely realized it was nowhere to be seen in my past. Actually, it was just the opposite. My past was full of despair, loneliness, death, tragedy, danger, and more death. I know most of you who have struggled with addiction can definitely relate to that. And I was definitely sick of all that. So I wanted to try...I needed to try to change.

It is now a little over a year and there has definitely been lots of changes. For the most part, things are... OK right now. Just kind of trying to figure out what it is I really want to do with my life. My hope for the future is definitely what keeps me going though. I want to prove myself wrong when I kept saying I'm always going to be the Addict. I know I can become something I will be proud of. We all can.

At the end of the day, all that matters is that we keep going. The past contains nothing but broken memories and numbed out emotions. So it is the future I look forward to. It will be a damn long journey, but I already know it will be rewarding. We all know what our lowest point was like, but we still have no idea what our highest point 

can be.

And that is something that we all deserve to find out.

Emotions Without Drugs

So what if it is one of those days and the tears happen to just keep pushing their way out. With all our might we try to remember the things that everyone keeps saying to us:

"Everything is just fine"

"You are, and everything is going to be OK"

And other positive stuff like that. Sometimes though, all of that does not keep us from screaming into a pillow or from throwing our phones at the wall (which we regret about 10 seconds after). Nor does it keep the tears from flowing down our faces, and unfortunately sometimes it doesn't keep us from wanting to use.

Sometimes, things just feel like complete shit. The day seems to just drag on, nothing seems exciting, and you get way too invested in the characters on Gray's Anatomy and end up crying at every slightly emotional thing. Just me? Well... you know what I mean. 

Alright so the past few days I have been thinking a whole lot (dangerous, I know). A lot about how for the past year there have been quite a bit of those shitty moments. A lot of them happen to be just trying to figure out how to live life sober again. 

Even though I appreciated them, those positive sayings that are thrown at us sometimes just agitated me even more. I can't really say why though. I guess they just made me feel like there was something wrong with me because nothing felt fine or like it was OK. It felt like the ground wouldn't stop shaking and I could barely keep my balance. 

So back to the thinking I was doing. I guess what really helped me was knowing that...well, sometimes things are going to go very wrong. Sometimes that what you really don't want happening, is exactly what will. And the thing is....it is completely normal. 

Imagine if life never consisted of "downs." At first it might seem like it would be perfect, but would it really? Would we even try to better ourselves, or to keep learning just because. Would we even be able to recognize the "ups" in life, or even appreciate them?

 

Alright so maybe knowing all this doesn't make those times easier, but for me knowing that it is completely normal took just enough weight off so that I could deal with it. We are so used to just having that easy fix. Whether it was going straight to the bottle, the pills, the pipe, or whatever poison we chose. I think that is why feeling like complete crap just felt so wrong. Like I was the only one that felt like that, when in truth, every single other person goes through the same stuff. We just now need to find the best way for us to deal with these times other than how we did in the past. 

Well I hope all this made sense. And I hope all of you had a good weekend. 

Till next time. 

Drugs, Present, Happiness

I found myself thinking a lot of my past. Reminiscing on the times I thought were good times, and trying to cope with the times that were the darkest. I don't know why the past has been on my mind so much, but I didn't like it. I find that in my down time is when the thoughts come to attack , and lately I have had a lot of down time. I keep trying to busy myself in someway, but it just wasn't enough.

The thoughts of the last seven years kept rushing through my mind. It was more though that I was blaming everything on my past. I am now a little over a year sober and the struggle is still a daily one. It isn't that I expected this to be easy, but I guess I am still used to getting the "quick fix" that I thought the drugs gave me. Having to slowly process things and work through the pain is still something that I am getting struggling with.

When I was sitting in my room, wallowing in my self-pity, I was watching some show when I heard:

"You might be dwelling on the past because you are unhappy with the present..."

I really thought about that for a good minute. I mean, it is not that I am generally unhappy, I guess I just wanted to be completely somewhere else in my life entirely. I am now 22 and I feel I am so many years behind. This has been one of my worries ever since I stepped out of rehab.

I think it all just goes back to having to fight your own thoughts. I have to remember that I am still alive and that I am sober. That is the most important part. And like I said in my last post, being alive means that we have the chance to better our lives for ourselves. We have the chance to change our present and work on it until it is something that we are happy with. And as long as we keep doing that, I don't think it matters how old we are. As long as we keep doing that, we truly are alive.

If we are in a time in our life where we think all we see is ruins, there are a few things we can do. We can either concentrate on the bad and just stare out in misery, or put in the work and build something we are happy with.

Picture by: Nico Nelson

And for me personally, I would much rather put in the work and get rid of the ruins.

I think I had the idea that after some time of sobriety, I would just be done working on getting back to a "happy place." I would just be in a place of content. I was wrong...but now that I think about it, I am happy that I was wrong. It means that we have a constant opportunity to improve.

And whatever "improving" means, is up to you. And.. well, to put it simply, that is pretty damn cool.

Simple Works.

Do you ever get in those moods. I feel in my recovery, that feeling has visited me a number of times now. I was reading a fellow bloggers post and it just really made me think. To summarize his post, it basically covered the topic of lack of motivation. Being completely, "underwhelmed by life."

(Photo taken from: Scott Robinson on Flickr)

I automatically knew exactly what he was talking about just because of how common it is for me to feel that way. Talking to some other addicts has told me they go through this (not so exciting) period quite often as well. Alright... so how do we fix it?

If I had that answer, I would be doing my happy dance right now (yes I have one). But I don't have the answer, so I won't get to do my longed for victory dance.

What I did figure out though, is something that at least gets my ass out of the chair and pushes those feelings back a little. And when you are at that point ( where you don't see the point of getting dressed, the curtains have to be closed, and you are watching episode after episode of whatever you haven't seen on Netflix yet), it only really takes a little to make you feel a whole lot better.

So back to what helps me. I'm sure many of you already do this, and for some it might not do anything, but if you know this feeling and haven't tried this, I hope it helps.

Mini-Goals. 

Yup. Small daily or weekly goals. For me it helps if I write it down somewhere. Specifically I write it on a small whiteboard I got. I guess it is something about the weird satisfaction I get from crossing or checking something off....is that weird? Well anyways, that is what I do.

Oh and for the goals? It can literally be anything. For me it has been a lot of studying, or chores and errands, or photography, or cleaning..literally anything. If you need to go somewhere on a certain day, write it down. When you come back from whatever it was, check it off.

So yes, it is definitely extremely simple, but it helps. It gives me that satisfaction of knowing I am getting something done. I am actually accomplishing something. It makes me feel like I am not just sitting around and wasting away. Then, that little bit of motivation I get helps me set bigger goals for my future that I actually really want to reach.

Again, it might seem lame or overly simple, but we all just need that little bit of a push to get us back in the swing of things.

So if this is how you have been feeling lately, think about doing it. It really is the small stuff that actually helps quite a lot. Besides, Netflix will always be there later. Don't worry I checked ;)

The Addict AND You

Whether it is you first week sober or you are reaching your 5 year mark, we will always remember the shame and guilt that comes with getting clean. There comes a time though, after we have learned from our mistakes, where you should be allowed to move on. Enough emotional and physical pain has been endured. In no way am I saying that the person you were should be forgotten about, but I believe that it should be known that we have all made quite the change. When we make the choice to decide to get clean, we slowly start ripping out the monster that had possessed us for so long. 

That's the thing... Addiction changes you. And with all the hard work that comes with getting clean and reverting back to a "normal" lifestyle, it is something that everyone deserves to move on from.  

Something that I really wanted to bring up in this post though is that some people won't let you separate yourself from the addict. You have apologized as much as you can. Really tried your best to explain that the person you have changed into is nothing like the one that was. It can be a complete stranger, or someone who you have known for years. If it is the latter then that is when it can be really frustrating and hard.

I believe to really understand addiction, what it does, how it makes you feel, how it simply takes over every part of who you are, you have had to of gone through it. 

So that is why I can't be angry at the people who don't accept the change we go through. Why I can't be mad by the choices they make to not trust, or to not see us as a completely different person, and for relationships to not go back to how they used to be. It definitely sucks yeah, but if we have tried multiple times to apologize and try to prove we have changed, there is not much more we can do.

My opinion on this now? Just another part of this struggle we have to go through. At first I didn't want to accept that I might have to let go of more people, but then we need to realize that we deserve the chance to change.

We already accomplished the hardest step. We got clean. Now it is as simple as bettering our lives for no one other than ourselves. Part of that involves surrounding ourselves with people who give me, you...all of us support. It is a brand new part of our lives where we have to opportunity to rebuild, and start new. No one should get in the way of that for us.

So if it comes to a point where someone is constantly dangling your past in front of you after many attempts to heal the relationship, it is time to accept them not being able to understand. Many other people out there will support you. Many other people can be in our life without having to bring us down. And remember we deserve that chance to move on. Not forget, but move on. In no way is it their fault, but it isn't fair to us either. 

Addiction and Missed Opportunities

At first when I got out of rehab, I wanted so badly to be happy. But I couldn't help but think of everything that was laying in ruins because of my addiction. There were so many people I had taken advantage of, lied to, and there were so many missed opportunities. The safe barrier that had been felt in the rehab facility was nowhere in sight.

Did anyone else have this kind of reaction after getting clean and rejoining the world?

Anyway, it is safe to say that over the last 7 years of my addiction, I have become increasingly more negative towards...everything really. My overall outlook was that there was no way out of the deep hole I had dug myself in. I was trapped at the very bottom, watching all my opportunities pass by.

So some guy a long time ago told us to, "be the change we want to see in the world." As hard as it was for me, I tried listening to this Gandhi fella.

From there on out I tried changing the way I had been thinking. Catching myself and stopping my negative rants, and so on. Mainly being positive about life again.

To my surprise it was starting to work. Don't get me wrong, it was definitely hard and is still something I am trying to control, but it works.

Just like if you are at the bottom of the hole, if you keep doing what you have been, you will either dig further down or simply stay stuck. I had to change how I thought, and look for ways to get myself out of the muddy hole in the ground I was in.

The more I tried, the more I saw opportunities that were available to me. So instead of looking up and wishing you could make a ladder appear to make it an easy climb, put in more work to dig some kind of edges in the walls to climb up.

 With each step we are proving to ourselves that it IS actually possible to rebuild our lives. It just takes training your mind and your eyes to see those hidden opportunities that are in our reach.

The crappy, annoying, hard things in life

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Well to put it simply today has been a...well a shit storm. Excuse the language. To sum it up, the past was on my mind today a lot due to it being the two-year-anniversary to a good friends death. Then just a whole bunch of little things went wrong and everything just added up. You know that point where you are so frustrated you don't know whether to scream or cry? Yeah, that's what it felt like. 

Anyway. I saw this quote and it kinda just made me think. 

After quite some time thinking about this on my patio, I finally felt a little better. We have all been through hard times in our life. Not just addicts, but everyone. The thing is, whatever happened in our past is...in our past. We can't do anything to change that it happened. Same with the things that are going to happen right? Whatever those events may be, we won't really see them till it is happening. 

Still with me?

While we don't really have control over some event that will happen in our future, how we choose to react to them is completely in our control. In no way am I saying we should all be completely positive about our pet dying, or getting fired, or some other crappy thing that might happen (personally I think that would be kinda weird), but is there some way we can learn something or take something away from whatever already/will happen?

Trust me, I know it is a lot harder said than done, but I would rather be trying to find the light than to dwell on everything bad in the world. Asking ourselves why this or that happened will only lead to more frustration, and in my case more tubs of Toll House cookie dough. 

We can choose to grow with every thing that happens in our lives, the good and the bad. That is what we do have control over. Whatever you take away from it that helps is your choice. In the end the corny saying is true, we DO only have one life. 

So while dealing with our not so pleasant emotions is a good thing, just try to not get yourself stuck there for too long. 

Friday for an Addict

So today has definitely been "one of them days." I guess for the past few days I already haven't been feeling that great. I can't really put my finger on why I have been feeling all down... which makes it even more annoying. Anyone else get annoyed at that?

Anyways, I went to a place that my friends are always at, and usually when I go there my day gets better. Of course this was just one of those days where it feels like life just has you in its crosshairs. My friends were out of town and the place was filled with the drunk and high lot that I use to be a part of.

I started wondering if I had sobered up at too early of an age. Was I missing out on things of my youth? The times that are supposed to make up for the best years of my life? These were some of the thoughts that were screaming at me in my head. 

Whatever age a recovering addict is, there are always moments where we just get to that point of really questioning if sobriety is worth it. If the sober life was really that much better than being addicted. 

It takes a quick few minutes to step outside of yourself and look at the situation to realize even questioning this is crazy. When I really thought about what life was like back then, I remembered the dangerous situations I got myself in, the constant stress about having enough of my stuff so I don't get sick, the friends I lost, and the insane amounts of money I spent. This is just some of the stuff that could be put on the "cons" list, but I could add to that list all night.

Addiction does weird things to you, even after you have been clean for some time. It has a way of sometimes making you only think about the good times. In reality, when you really think about it, the bad times happened much more frequently. The drugs just have a way of pushing them out of sight. 

I realized that now that I did get sober, it IS actually possible for me to make it the best times of my life. When I look back at the times of my addiction I don't see them as some great times that were had. And that would be the same in the future if I decided to go back to the drugs now. It would just be a waste of time, that is if I were to make it out alive. 

So I drove home with a smile on my face. Why?

I don't need to worry about getting dope-sick, I don't need to worry about having enough money for drugs, and the money I do have can be spent on me. I don't need to meet up with shady and dangerous people, I can actually remember the good times I have, and so much more. Yeah I might have to turn down a few parties, but that won't be what I remember from my 20's when I look back at them. 

I will remember getting clean, facing all the struggles I was avoiding with drugs and overcoming them. I will remember not giving up. I will remember so much more then just getting messed up like I did in the past. But most of all, I will remember rebuilding my life into something that is positive. 

So when it feels like life has you in its crosshairs, just remember to keep moving forward. Going back to drugs would only make you an easier target. 

Addiction: Disguised Evil?

So I was looking through some of the pictures I had taken the past year when I had come across this one. My mind does weird things late at night, so when I stared at this picture I almost immediately compared it to addiction.

I know it's a weird comparison but stick with me guys. I'll try to explain it the best I can haha

Everyone that has been through addiction, or even going through it right now, can all remember what the drugs/alcohol felt like in the beginning. For me personally, it was one of those, "Where has this been my whole life" kind of moments. Any one else?

The cabin in this picture looked so beautiful to me when I first got there. Everything there was so peaceful at first. To be able to just "escape" from everyday life was so nice and relaxing. At first it was amazing, but after a few good times, a pretty heavy storm was rolling in. We were pretty much stuck in the cabin for a good few days. Not able to drive anywhere, no internet connection, along with cell service, and electricity wasn't all that great either. To sum it up, it basically felt like I was alone and stranded.
Alright, back to how it relates.

Isn't this how addiction kind of starts? We think life seems so much better at first when we get that first taste. At first, when we are falling deeper and deeper in love with our own version of the devil, we don't realize how evil it really is. It is the "honeymoon stage" of addiction I guess you could call it. You just notice everything that is good about the drug, nothing else.

Just like in the cabin, as days...weeks...or years go by, you find yourself completely alone. Maybe not physically for everyone, but I think it would be safe to say that at some stage after we are in a full committed relationship with our drug(s), we all feel so stranded in the terrible world of addiction. Nowhere to go, no one to turn to, just completely alone.

My reasoning getting a little more clear now? Or am I still just babbling?

In the end, we come to realize that the way we were living life before was a much easier situation than this romanticized world of drugs. That although it may seem like something we want at first, it really is just a form of evil disguised as that infamous "easy button" we all crave sometimes. We realize that "escaping" from life really isn't actually what we thought it was.

I hope this somewhat made sense. But more so, I hope everyone out there is having a good night/day.

Till next time.  

Who Am I?

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves."
- Henry David Thoreau

Yeah... I could say I agree with that. When we are busy doing...whatever really, life seems to pass by so fast. Whether it be working, playing,or blogging. When things are mostly going right, we never really look to deeply into ourselves. We simply hold on to that good feeling as long as we can. So then what happens when the good goes away and is replaced with horrible?

When those moments come along where we feel like the light at the end of the tunnel is nowhere to be found, it is then that we learn so much about ourselves. I know for me personally, I learned more about myself in a few months than I had my whole life. 

It is in the moments where we feel we are drowning that we learn what we want in life. It is in those moments where we learn to appreciate those people close to us, and most importantly, we learn to appreciate the little things in life that make us happy. 

Although it might be hard, the next time you feel you are at the bottom of the pool gasping for air, think of that quote. When the time comes and you are looking back, what were you able to take away from the experience. I know it is a lot easier said than done, but still... try to learn something from your next "down." As corny as it might sound, what you take away may actually could change your life. 

For me I didn't think I was going to make it out alive, and now that I have I feel like I know so much more about what I want to do than ever. There are still so many questions I have that are unanswered at the moment, but no one should ever be in a rush to finish their own story.

I guess it just really is up to us to decide on how we look at everything going on. In a few years when I look back and ask myself who I am, I hope to have an answer that includes the lessons I learned to make all the times I hated going through worth it. 

Will you?