Monday, December 16, 2013

Psychological Warfare of Addiction

Help. Such a simple word, yet one that seems impossible to pass through our lips sometimes. I know this is definitely the case for me. Even in the most critical moments, moments that quite possibly could determine the rest of my life, that one stupid word seems to just not be an option at all, hiding in the very corner of my mind.
If there is one thing I can tell you about me, is that in person I can seem incredibly closed off. I guess a lot of us can be, which is why writing turns out to be such a blessing sometimes. In fact, at times I don't even know what the hell is going on in my head until it goes down on paper.
Help. Why is this word so hard for me to say. I don't know. If I had look back at my past, I remember me being the one finding most of the friends that had unfortunately overdosed or killed themselves most of the time. Too many. And it was me who had to tell the rest of my circle. It was me who was there to help some of the parents cope (I was a very functional addict so they had no idea I was involved in the same world).
I was already pretty good at turning that emotional switch off in my head, so I felt I just had to take care of the others. There wasn't another option. And I guess from then on, everything just stayed that way.
I have to say I was doing alright the past few months. At least I think I was. Like I said, most of the times I don't know what is going on in my head without a paper and a pen. But even with those in hand, I can't figure out what it was in the recent weeks that triggered the mind game my dark passenger decided to put into play.
Help. I can feel him trying to take control of the wheel and it's definitely getting harder to fight him off. To be completely honest, I'm scared that there are times where I almost want to let him win. The dreams of death, and the flashbacks of emotional floods haven't stopped for quite some time now and it's definitely taken a toll.
Image by: Sarah
If the psychological warfare doesn't cease any time soon I don't know what is going to happen, and that is not a chance I am willing to take. Tomorrow, I will go to my MD, and be completely honest about how I feel. I just can't wait to see what comes blubbering out of my mouth. 
So yes, help will finally be asked for.
Finally following my own advice. I mean shit, we all need help at some point right?        (YES)

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Alright I need some opinions from you guys please

Not meaning to start a debate, but I do need some clarity.

What is everyone's opinion on 

Should it only be something considered for short term treatment or is it also something that could be used for long term if needed?

I have read so many different articles/blogs about both sides so I just wanted to get more views on this

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Graveyard of Death & Love

So I don't know if you have been keeping up with the last few posts, but for a real quick catch up:
Dealing with a lot currently, which leads to me thinking a lot. I think any Addict can tell you that can be dangerous.
All caught up? Maybe?
Anyways. I was also talking about how I had to slowly teach myself to allow emotion back into my life. And I am sure much of you have or are doing the same thing.
So what happens when you think you are doing well and all the sudden you walk into a wall you never even knew you had built.         How exciting...something else to work on right?
That treasure chest of emotions that come with love, our hearts, and trust, had all been buried in the dust. Looking back, I can't say I am surprised. With all that was "needed" to be done; Faking relationships for manipulation, seeing love and its meaning crumble all around, and loosing more than a few friends as well as a lover in my arms. Yeah, I can say that was the one that truly did it.
I might not of buried them myself, but I definitely handed my heart to the gravedigger to finish the job.
Picture by: LadyDragonFly
Now a few years later, when someone came around who might make me want to dig up that treasure chest, I found myself just standing in front of that grave frozen in fear, shovel in hand.
Back then I stuck to a simple rule. Relationships (of any kind) means loss. So naturally I stayed away from anything real with the possibility of what I thought was a ticking time bomb of overwhelming pain. In my mind I had already felt that blast too many times before.
Back to now. So many of my thoughts have already changed, so I figured this might me an important one to figure out. The biggest thing I am trying to change is to see it is an opportunity for happiness in an actual healthy relationship.
Is it that word that scares me? Happiness? I think it really did come to a point where I was comfortable in the world of chaos I was living in. The chaotic world filled with death, danger, and drugs was a constant day-to-day normal. And to be completely honest, I think sometimes it excited me. I was comfortable. Maybe comfortable isn't the right word....I got adjusted? I trained myself to expect the worst in no matter what situation because most likely that was going to happen.
I looked at every situation as a game of Russian Roulette, except with only one missing bullet.
It is a constant reminder when I wake up that I am no longer in that world. Meaning the way of thinking I had about everything needed to change, including love and all those awkward gushy feelings that I'll spare you from reading.
So yeah, I think I'll start digging up that grave...especially since someone has come along and truly does deserve it. It is something that will take some time, and I hope they understand, but it is something I am willing to do.
Again, like I warned you in my last post, my mind has been everywhere lately..and yeah, that means my writing will be too. So hopefully some of this made sense and maybe even a few of you can relate. Either way,
Hope all is well & most of all Stay Strong.

Monday, December 9, 2013

Life After Drugs: Brick by Brick

Sorry to have definitely been lagging on the posting. I guess there has been so much going on to where I couldn't even sit down and think of one solid topic to talk about....
And I still couldn't really pick one solid topic yet, but one thing I have been noticing about myself is that my emotions are going haywire lately.
I guess to start off I need to explain a little bit about my past. I don't know if I have talked about any of this before but, more or less I was "trained" to push all sorts of emotions out of the way. So with this in mind, and endless amounts of heroin or some kind of painkillers, this really was not that hard to accomplish. At first, it was difficult to not let some of those emotions squeeze out, but after 7 years of constant practice, it simply became something that was normal.
Photo by: Rob Patrick
Emotions were mostly all faked. For lies, manipulations, etc. So as you might have guessed, that is what the shrink and I have mostly been working on. Letting emotions back through. Slowly...very slowly taking down the tower I had built, brick by brick. And damn did those emotions flood through.
Going though events slowly definitely helped not overloading a process that was already hard to go through.
Ok so fast-forward a little bit to now where most of those bricks have been taken down and emotions and feelings are running full course in my mind again. At first I always think of this as a bad thing, but I know it is an improvement. With drugs, even when we tried to numb ourselves, the bad and hurtful still got through to us. We still felt the pain and the crushing low points we were at. On the other hand, the happy things that we might of experienced were extremely belittled just because it was apart of the process.
Does any of this make sense to you guys. This was at least what happened in my case. Through the seven years of my addiction, I am sure there are many good moments that I had experienced, but honestly if you ask me to make a list I don't think I could go past number....six? Though if asked to make a list of all the bad, the ink in my pen would run out before I could finish.
Alright getting off track. Anyways, my point was that although it might be painful to kind of train yourself to go back to a place to feeling all emotions, I am starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel.
At first I was so stuck, I didn't know how to rip out those bricks I had bound together so tightly. Talking about it got the brick to budge, but it still would not fully give out. It was one day where there was so much frustration building up, and other things stacking up on top of each other, where for the first time, I just broke down. I cried...and cried...and just let it out.
The full emotion was felt for the first time. And for some reason, the brick now came out with ease.
I think all of us have a mentality where we need to be so strong all the time. And let me know if you think I am wrong, but maybe this is actually counter-productive in this case. I feel we all need to let ourselves be vulnerable at certain times and let everything bottled up just come out. Whether it be talking about it, or simply going through whatever "it" is and just letting ourselves actually feel that emotion that our tower has "protected" us from for so long.
Yes, it definitely can be hard, but I felt soon after I let that emotion be recognized and felt, it was something that was easier to deal with. Don't get me wrong, it is no way near a quick fix kind of method, but it is something that has worked for me when I keep at it. I have to remember that it can't just be all better the first time I try to pull that brick out, it takes some repetition.
After some time I notices my wall was starting to come lower and lower to the ground. Emotions, feelings, and all of that stuff was actually being felt on a daily basis, and it wasn't something I hated anymore. It was becoming my new normal.
We all let our tower or walls get so high when we were in the grasp of our addiction. I think that's why it was, and still is so hard for me to just deal with some things, but the point is, that it is getting easier. And above that, I am actually feeling some kind of happiness again. Not synthetic or chemically induced, but real happiness. Maybe not every day yet, but it has definitely been felt. And yes, that is something I am happy about. Knowing it is still possible to feel that for me, and for all of you.
We just can't give up. 
I don't know guys. As you guys can probably tell my mind has been everywhere lately, which will be evident in the next few posts I will put up. But for now, I think this is where I will end this one.
Stay strong.