So today has definitely been "one of them days." I guess for the past few days I already haven't been feeling that great. I can't really put my finger on why I have been feeling all down... which makes it even more annoying. Anyone else get annoyed at that?
Anyways, I went to a place that my friends are always at, and usually when I go there my day gets better. Of course this was just one of those days where it feels like life just has you in its crosshairs. My friends were out of town and the place was filled with the drunk and high lot that I use to be a part of.
I started wondering if I had sobered up at too early of an age. Was I missing out on things of my youth? The times that are supposed to make up for the best years of my life? These were some of the thoughts that were screaming at me in my head.
Whatever age a recovering addict is, there are always moments where we just get to that point of really questioning if sobriety is worth it. If the sober life was really that much better than being addicted.
It takes a quick few minutes to step outside of yourself and look at the situation to realize even questioning this is crazy. When I really thought about what life was like back then, I remembered the dangerous situations I got myself in, the constant stress about having enough of my stuff so I don't get sick, the friends I lost, and the insane amounts of money I spent. This is just some of the stuff that could be put on the "cons" list, but I could add to that list all night.
Addiction does weird things to you, even after you have been clean for some time. It has a way of sometimes making you only think about the good times. In reality, when you really think about it, the bad times happened much more frequently. The drugs just have a way of pushing them out of sight.
I realized that now that I did get sober, it IS actually possible for me to make it the best times of my life. When I look back at the times of my addiction I don't see them as some great times that were had. And that would be the same in the future if I decided to go back to the drugs now. It would just be a waste of time, that is if I were to make it out alive.
So I drove home with a smile on my face. Why?
I don't need to worry about getting dope-sick, I don't need to worry about having enough money for drugs, and the money I do have can be spent on me. I don't need to meet up with shady and dangerous people, I can actually remember the good times I have, and so much more. Yeah I might have to turn down a few parties, but that won't be what I remember from my 20's when I look back at them.
I will remember getting clean, facing all the struggles I was avoiding with drugs and overcoming them. I will remember not giving up. I will remember so much more then just getting messed up like I did in the past. But most of all, I will remember rebuilding my life into something that is positive.
So when it feels like life has you in its crosshairs, just remember to keep moving forward. Going back to drugs would only make you an easier target.