Friday, July 18, 2014

Drugs, Addiction, and the Future?

9046508025_cbf6f23a20_kImage by: Lara Cores

There has been so much on my mind lately. With being concerned with me still trying to fix some of the wreckage that my addict self managed to leave behind, to me being back in school, which leads to me thinking about my future, which I realized actually really scares the shit out of me. 

Before it, whatever the future was, never really crossed my mind. Or if it did, it was there only for a few seconds before the next wave of codeine washed it away. So now that my sea of codeine is (thankfully) all dried up, so many new things are in front of me. 

Don't get my wrong , I'm not complaining... It's just that back then, the "future" had a completely different meaning. Most of it having to do with trying to forget the past, and trying to sell enough so I had enough money to live an addict's version of comfortable, and have enough pills or whatever to get me by. I even found my old diary, and numerous pages includes me thinking I wasn't going make it past 25. 

So first of all... Fuck that. I will happily live past 25! We all should! Besides, why would I wanna miss being able to rent a car by myself. Can you say, MILESTONE?!

 But in all honesty, finding those pages was definitely strange. I didn't recognize the person who wrote those fading words. I didn't even want to.
65152939_e6ff73e6f7_zOriginal Image by: Emdot   (I distorted it a bit)

So then I started to revisit the thoughts on my future. As much as they scared me, I saw excitement somewhere in that same fear. It might take a good while... It will Definitely take some time to fight and get readjusted to life without addiction in the drivers seat, 2 years for me now, but as I look back, and when I read those pages... This strange, new, scary, emotional, and hard life is still what I would choose instead of the previous. 

There's so much left to be discovered, to experience, to be felt... That most likely sounded corny, but it's true. Stick with me. 

There is all this stuff I am finding out about myself. Some might be strange to you..... Like it was for me when I discovered the secret nerd in me who loved studying and learning. Didn't see that one coming. 

So really, who knows what the future has in store for us. Worrying about it, well, doesn't do shit but make everything more stressful. Without being tied down to addiction, that whole saying... what is it, "you can be anything you want if you try hard enough," or something of that sort, might actually be true. 

I guess the point is that.. Well we aren't tied down. We can work towards anything without worrying about having enough of whatever our poison of choice was, or if there is a dealer in this or that city, or any of that stuff. And I don't know about you, but I wanna find out what I can actually do. For myself of course, and also as (excuse the language) a fuck you to those who thought/said we wouldn't amount to anything. 

It might not be easy getting there, but I am almost 100 percent sure it is going to be so much more worth it to work and find our potential. Whatever the hell that might be. 

In the end, I guess the future will be the result of a whole bunch of "right now's". So then I guess it's just right now that I have to think about. And right now, is always completely in our control. And right now, thanks to this little therapy session(?), I'm doing alright, no longer terrified of that future thats been occupying my mind for a while. 

You guys (blogging community) are my strength a lot of the times, so for that I need to say THANK YOU. Stay strong everyone.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

What do you guys think?

"We all have a few failures under our belt. It's what makes us ready for the successes." – Randy K. Milholland

And just to add on to what this man said, I don't think they only make us ready.

Those failures are what make you appreciate the successes so much more.

I mean, I think it took 8 years of addiction and constant f*cking up and failing at things when I was using to appreciate and feel awesome about even just getting an A in a class this semester while sober and going to school.

I mean it definitely took a while to see some things like that, and I think I still have a while to go to take this quote and put it to all the failures under my belt...but I am damn willing to work, wait, and see what success will be greater than some of these failures.

It is something we all deserve to see.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Addiction & Frustration & Writing

And this is how the shit-storm all starts again… that is, if I let it.

Summer has officially started which means no more classes and no homework, which all comes down to having nothing to keep me busy.

Complaining about not having homework and classes…yeah, it even surprises me.

After drugs, I think we all try to avoid that dangerous feeling of being bored. What’s that saying? “Idle hands are the devils playground?” Guess I now understand it.

I’m sure most of my fellow “recovering” addicts out there can agree with me when I say, it fucking drives me nuts Just sitting there can make your brain pull out all sorts of memories from the very back corner of your mind that brings out…what were those things we were trying to numb out? Oh yeah…emotions.
Image by: Mindaugas
Well I knew I needed to keep myself busy, so the first thing that popped into my head was writing. So here I am, just letting the words flow out. Like many of you, writing just…well I guess I can only describe it as something I NEED to do. The best form of therapy I know.

So one thing I need to do is get back involved in the blogging world. I know it always helps me, somehow I just never end up posting the things I write. I guess it’s a confidence thing? Don’t think it’s, “good enough,” or something like that.

Then I thought about it… I can’t let my insecurities stop me from doing what I love, not anymore. That is after all where that happiness comes from that we are always looking for right?

Besides, the responses or messages you get from the people you meet while blogging, can literally make your day sometimes. I know many of you have for me. (THANK YOU!)

So, besides blogging I have also decided to finally try writing my novel that has been on my to-do list since I was 7…or somewhere around there. So if any of you are writing out there, and have advice, I would LOVE to hear it.

To end, I guess being bored can also be a good thing. It gives you an opportunity to try something new, find a new hobby, or write every random word going on in your head. The hard part is just getting started.

Stay strong everyone. And have a good night.

Sunday, May 11, 2014

One Wall at a Time: After Addiction

There comes a time in "recovery" where those issues we were ignoring and numbing out are finally just closing in on us. That, or we get put in a situation where we built walls to protect ourselves from getting hurt. We as addicts can get really creative in finding all sorts of ways not to deal with our problems.

I know I certainly would think of anything to run away from something potentially painful.

Image by: Ian Sane

Anyway, I was talking to someone the other day who was basically telling me that they were being told to take all their walls down. Like it is something that easy to do...
In my opinion, this isn't something that should be done all at once. We spent years building up these walls, and most of the time for a pretty damn good reason. And just like real walls, if you knock them down all at once, it could just result in a big, cluttered, mess.

Don't get me wrong, if this is something that works best for you, then that's awesome. It just definitely did not for me, as well as a lot of the people I know.

Being in recovery for me, felt like I had to basically relearn how to basically live again. I am sure you guys can relate. Everything felt different. Hell, even driving felt different, I couldn't even stay in the lines at first when I got sober.

Getting back to what I was saying, having to relearn everything was already hard enough of a task to take on. I couldn't imagine dealing with all of my mental walls and what-note at once. I tried to, but that only led to a relapse... soooo I decided that probably wasn't going to be the right path for me.

Getting used to this new life was something I wanted, more so needed, to do first. Most of the issues and walls I built had to do with close relationships, and at that time, I knew I was nowhere near being ready for a new relationship. Even some basic issues, something like.... trust, just in general, I put off until a bit later until I was at least comfortable with me before I added anyone else into the picture. I guess this is where people say we need to "be selfish and think of ourselves first." I don't think it is a selfish act though, more of a brave one actually.

So that's what happened. I got to a point where I felt comfortable enough with the regular day again, before I decided to tackle anything that could potentially break the already unstable ground I was walking on. Besides, in the beginning, sometimes... just sometimes, those walls are the only thing still holding us up.

Now again, this is what I, MYSELF, needed to do. I couldn't handle multiple things at once. I know some of you guys can and that is great for you guys, but I definitely wasn't as capable. Like almost everything having to do with addiction, what helps one person will not be helpful for the next.

Guess I just wanted to say that we shouldn't be afraid to take it slow. We shouldn't be afraid to go at our own pace. Some put a set timeline on handling these things when everyone has a different way of handling their problems.

Just had to get some thoughts out.

Now I'm ready to jump into bed. Stay strong bloggers =]


Friday, April 25, 2014

After Drugs: Talking To Yourself

Damn, it had been quite a while since I have found myself able to just sit down and actually spill my thoughts on this blog. But, shit does it feel good!

As some of you know, I have been quite absent for a few months now. I got myself back in college and finally, for the first time in my life, am actually getting nothing but A's. Trust me, every time I go online to check my grades, I am still shocked to see that letter under my name. I even noticed I liked all the stress and work that came with school. Weird for me. Anyway.

Not trying to brag here... although it might seem like it. But I'm mentioning this stuff for two reasons.

1). A few months back, I remember being so beat to shit down. All I could think about is wasting 8 years of my life I wasted gathering up pills and separating foil. "I'm so late in life." That's all I could think about. Also, If you have read some of my previous blogs, you know by now that I call the negativity in my head my dark passenger. Separating those thoughts in my head and personifying them kinda helped me I guess. Anyways, I got to a point where he was getting me to a point where the only thing in my head was how far behind I was with the rest of the world. And if my life could even go somewhere still.    

2) I stopped bitching. And trust me that was harder than I thought. I realized all I was doing was trying to shove my dark passenger out of my head... until his next opportunity to show up (which most of the time was in the next few hours). I did this little dance of pushing my dark passenger away, have the negativity appear again, and then having to ignore them once again.

I think most of us know that this can only go on for so long before it makes us question almost everything were doing. That, along with driving us half mad.

Anyways, I started thinking... really really thinking about everything overall. We all have already worked so hard. The people I have had the pleasure of reading about and meeting on this site, are all of the strongest people I have ever met. So there is no way in hell we can give up now.

Instead of just trying to silence my dark passenger for a certain amount of time, I wanted to continue the fight so many of us are already in the middle of. Change that voice in your head. If you can't, be the positive side to argue with the negative one. Talk to yourself.  Might sound crazy, but the negativity can not rule our lives. Not after everything all of you have already accomplished.

The point of me mentioning what I did in the beginning of this post, was that I wanted to prove to myself that I could actually do something I didn't think I could do. I wanted to prove that I needed to believe in myself more, so that I can actually move forward. I might not be where I want to just yet...shit I am far from it, but I will continue to work to get closer.

I hope you will with me.

It is something that we all deserve. Something that ultimately leads to what we all want... happiness.

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Don't Live Dead

Alright so the year has officially settled in and most of us are getting back to our regular routines. I am even already starting to write down the correct year when I am required to enter the date (good sign!). But still being so early in the new year, I feel so many of us still continue to reflect on the previous year in all different kinds of ways.
We think about 2013 and think about all those moments that really stick out. The funny, the surprising, the happy, and so on. But I feel some of the moments that stick out the most are the ones that can be considered the, "bad," ones. Everyone's bad of last year is most likely different and can vary from the ones that hurt the most, or the ones that stick out in your head that continues to be something you want to change or do something about. I mean, for a lot of us, this is where our, "New Year's Resolutions" come from right?
So I was minding my own business at my favorite Coffee House, and there was a few people sitting close to me that were having a certain conversation. Ok... so that's where the minding my own business kinda came to a stop. Sorry group of 4 or 5 strangers.
Anyways, the conversation was all based on the year and a certain...quote I guess you could call it, that I am sure everyone has heard some kind of version of. I forget which one they read because I didn't want to add to my creepy level and get closer to their computer screen, but it was the one that basically states that hopes and expectations are the main cause for pain. To sum up everything, they were saying that for this year they will try to not have any hopes and get rid of their expectations.
Ok hold up, I don't usually do this..ya know, do the creepy listening in on thing, but it was about something I had just seen going around like crazy on Tumblr and was planning on writing about that's my excuse.
Anyhow. Don't hold me to this but I think it was Shakespeare that was first quoted with this? Well, I remember hearing it or seeing it around quite a few times already throughout my life. Every single time I would whole-heartedly agree. Even after I got out of rehab I was still in agreeance...and to be completely honest, I have to fight myself to push that mindset away still sometimes to this day.
I remember the day that I really thought about this whole idea for quite some time. Actually trying to live life without any expectations or hopes. So no expectations for the day to be good, no expectations for your friends or family to treat you well or anything like that. And then for the getting rid of our hopes bit. Having no hope. Sure, goals can still be made , but the hope and expectations we usually have to get there, just would not exist. So in the end, if the goal is not reached, or you think you "failed" at something, would there still be no pain? If we did not have expectations of the people we decide to keep close , would we still be affected by them treating us wrongly? Could we still just shrug it off, walk away and just forget about it?
 Dont Live Dead
Image by: Nina Matthews
Maybe, maybe not. But all I know is that hope and expectations have done a lot of good in my life. Keeping my expectations of how I should be treated and how any kind of relationship should go about in my life needs a few expectations. Not many, but just a few. I know for a while when I didn't have expectations from my partner, not only did it get abusive, but simply nothing about it was good. The people we DECIDE to keep in our lives should be the ones that we know that truly care. So we SHOULD be able to hold them to certain expectations. Ones that we should of course be held to as well. Being nice, caring, showing empathy, love and know, things like that.  I feel it is not only a matter of respecting others, but also having to do with having respect for ourselves
And for my quick opinion on trying not to have any hope. Sure it can be possible, but is it something we really want. For a long time hope was something that was completely lacking in my life; I couldn't find it anywhere I looked. 
Looking back, I think I was scared. Maybe scared to see something I hadn't in almost a decade, a world of possibilities...a "normal" world. I had no idea what a normal world could be anymore, but I didn't know if I could handle the challenges of sobriety. 
The way I see it now? Hope is something we should all have. In fact, maybe even something we need. If not, the short and fragile life we have will not only become dull, but will be a waste of everyones talents and possibilities. Our hope is what pushes us to keep going. Our hope is what keeps us from giving up. Our hope is what keeps our spirit alive. 
Just because we haven't gotten somewhere, only means we haven't gotten there yet. That's definitely something I have learned in my short year and a half of sobriety. And one thing I can promise you all, is that if I didn't regain my hope in thinking I could even get to where I am now, I most likely would not still be here writing this right now. 
So in the end, keep those hopes and expectations. It might just save your spirit, and even your life as it did mine. 

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Changing the Old, Starting the New...right?

Wait...a new year already? 2014
Image by: Dan Moyle
Well, first off I would like to say sorry for the lack of consistency in my writing. I have been traveling quite a lot where I almost just wanted to let my mind wander and collect some random thoughts. Which brings us to now.
To start, Happy New Year! All the sudden, 2013 has rushed by and 2014 has now arrived. Now, I am not usually one to make resolutions, but this year I guess I sort of did come up with my own year long challenges. 
Like I said I have been doing a lot of self-reflection lately in my time of being absent here. I also have just read through some of my old posts, journal entries (especially those which did not make it on here to my blog), and came up with...I guess you could call them "resolutions"...but I'm gonna stick with challenges =] Anyways, they were quite simple ones, so I am hoping I will be able to carry them out throughout the year. The first one I think can relate to us all. 
       1. Be Nicer to Myself - I think we all could have this as a "resolution." I know for many of us, we are our own worst enemy. Or in the case of my "dark passenger," have them inside us. Especially now after reading some of my past journal entries that I did not post, I prevented myself to having chance to be happy just because of how I was thinking. The negative thoughts in me were still so loud (and sometimes they definitely still are) that they can quite literally steal the happiness that could be right around the corner. Let us make 2014 a year where we try our hardest to fight off the negativity that tries its hardest to control our lives. Don't get me wrong, I know there are definitely going to be times where it just doesn't even seem possible. But all I am saying, at least for myself, is that I am going to try as hard as I can, harder than I ever have before, to  push the negativity out as much as I can. 
       2. Uncensored Writings  - For myself, I have decided that all my entries that I write in my journal, need to be posted. There are certain ones that I leave in there just because at the time they were written, things were happening that just made the posts much more negative than positive. But I was thinking...this is MY blog. At first, I was scared that posting some of those entries would spread the negativity going on in my head (I still really hope this does not happen). But on my blog, in order for me to write consistently and honestly, I need to include the hardships and negativity that is trying to fight its way to control my head.
I know some people are really good at just letting the positive in and pushing all the negative out, but in no case is that me. Plus, I have truly seen the community that is here in the blogosphere and have already received the kindest of words and help from people. Something I definitely did not expect to happen so soon. So if any of you have criticisms, advice, thoughts, or anything else, I would love to hear them on any post. 
Again, blogging has already been such a blessing for me. Just that so many different people have reached out, already means so much. It has definitely shown me that with what I was going through, I am not alone. In part, this is why I wanted to include everything, including some of the very dark or negative moments, in my posts. So that if someone is out there, going through the same thing, they too can know they are not alone. Just knowing that one simple fact saved my life once upon a time. 
I strongly believe we are all in this together. Life can consist of so many unpleasant moments where being able to just let it out and get some support can have so much positive power... and definitely even kickstart someones healing process like it did mine. 
Anyways, so I guess those were my two resolutions... or challenges...or goals.. or whatever you wanna call them for the next year. 2014
A new year and an opportunity to wipe the slate clean. 
Did you guys make resolutions?