Damn, it had been quite a while since I have found myself able to just sit down and actually spill my thoughts on this blog. But, shit does it feel good!
As some of you know, I have been quite absent for a few months now. I got myself back in college and finally, for the first time in my life, am actually getting nothing but A's. Trust me, every time I go online to check my grades, I am still shocked to see that letter under my name. I even noticed I liked all the stress and work that came with school. Weird for me. Anyway.
Not trying to brag here... although it might seem like it. But I'm mentioning this stuff for two reasons.
1). A few months back, I remember being so beat to shit down. All I could think about is wasting 8 years of my life I wasted gathering up pills and separating foil. "I'm so late in life." That's all I could think about. Also, If you have read some of my previous blogs, you know by now that I call the negativity in my head my dark passenger. Separating those thoughts in my head and personifying them kinda helped me I guess. Anyways, I got to a point where he was getting me to a point where the only thing in my head was how far behind I was with the rest of the world. And if my life could even go somewhere still.
2) I stopped bitching. And trust me that was harder than I thought. I realized all I was doing was trying to shove my dark passenger out of my head... until his next opportunity to show up (which most of the time was in the next few hours). I did this little dance of pushing my dark passenger away, have the negativity appear again, and then having to ignore them once again.
I think most of us know that this can only go on for so long before it makes us question almost everything were doing. That, along with driving us half mad.
Anyways, I started thinking... really really thinking about everything overall. We all have already worked so hard. The people I have had the pleasure of reading about and meeting on this site, are all of the strongest people I have ever met. So there is no way in hell we can give up now.
Instead of just trying to silence my dark passenger for a certain amount of time, I wanted to continue the fight so many of us are already in the middle of. Change that voice in your head. If you can't, be the positive side to argue with the negative one. Talk to yourself. Might sound crazy, but the negativity can not rule our lives. Not after everything all of you have already accomplished.
The point of me mentioning what I did in the beginning of this post, was that I wanted to prove to myself that I could actually do something I didn't think I could do. I wanted to prove that I needed to believe in myself more, so that I can actually move forward. I might not be where I want to just yet...shit I am far from it, but I will continue to work to get closer.
I hope you will with me.
It is something that we all deserve. Something that ultimately leads to what we all want... happiness.