"I was 100% sure that I would be dead by now. And I technically did die twice. What other bullshit am I gonna have to go through in order for it to just all end already."
Those were some of my last sentences I wrote in my journal. A few months later I walked into rehab.
Ok, lets rewind a little....
So I just recently turned 24. Its still weird to say this when my birthday comes with each passing year in sobriety. As I look at those pages and read the ink that was thrown down, I can't believe that THAT was me. I wrote those words. But at the same time, i remember feeling and fully believing that. I would not live past 21. I just wouldn't. And that was fine.
Image by: Pink Sherbet Photography
I was wrapped up in the suffocating grip of addiction, and people in my life were disappearing to the left and right of me. I remember thinking that the past few years has been a drawn out game of russian roulette, but, "the excitement of some of the highs were worth the lows."
That was what I was trying to convince myself for the first few years. it was only after having to set flowers at another few graves that I realized lows were all that were left.
Well Back To Now
So as I mentioned, it was just my birthday a few days ago. As much as my view has changed, and trust me they have changed, I once again get the.. birthday blues, I guess you would call them.
Whatever you wanna call it, I slipped into a hole of depression. But its not the same kind of depression that I am accustomed to battling throughout the year. It's something different. My dark passenger seems to be reminding me, louder than usual, about the years that I wasted. About the possibilities that might of been right in front of me, but I was too doped up to even slightly see them.
Once again, my mind was being pulled back into the past, while thinking about the things I most likely fucked up in the future. This is such a reoccurring shit storm that enters my head and brings me down, but usually around my birthday is when it gets the worst.
What needs to happen
For some reason, I have been on an audiobook binge recently, and the latest book I have been listening to is, "10% Happier," by Dan Harris. Yes, I have ben reverting to self-help books. I know, I know. Keep with me though.
I was stuck in traffic somewhere on the freeway while I heard Harris say something that strangely picked me up and changed my view just a little. But I think it was just that little bit that I needed so that I knew what to do.
I can't remember if this is exactly right, but it pretty much said,
"If you have one foot in the past, and one in the future, you are pissing on the present."
Why this quote sparked something in my mind, I have no idea. But it did. I'm not saying it lifted these birthday blues Im going through, but it is definitely helping.
...I think I know what to do...
Well sort of.
I'm always thinking about the past. One way or another. I know it's impossible to just never think of it again, but what I mean is that I think about it in relation to how much I fucked up what could have been. How much it fucks with relationships I am in because of the flashbacks and insecurities. Stuff of that sort. And if my main goal is happiness, this kind of thinking is definitely not going to get me anywhere.
So then the easy answer would be to bring that foot from the past, forward to the present... right? Of course when it comes to real life, it is always easier said than done, but I know it is something that CAN be done..though it may take a lot of practice.
I've heard many say that you need to live completely in the present, and not think about the future or else the only thing you will lead yourself to is disappointment.
I dont know if it is just me being stubborn, but I dont accept that at all. I feel like with a foot being in the present, the other foot (or at least half) should in fact be in the future. I know for myself, I need to make commitments and set goals so that I can work towards something. It brings meaning to the present in those difficult moments when we have trouble finding any.
And when I think of the future in that aspect, I can spend the rest of my energy figuring out what to do in the present in order to get to where I want to be.
We all have worked way to hard to let the demons of the past take control of even more time in our lives.
Stay strong bloggers. My rambling is done for now.
With Much Love,
D.Z.
