That's what the saying is right? New year, new me?



Is it really true? Are we really flourishing into a brand new people. Probably not. Can we? I mean, I think it could be possible.

Maybe... no not really. I'm not trying to be a negative sally though so just hold on a second.

It's definitely not as easy as it seems, to change completely. We are all stuck in our ways, ways that might not be the ones that are making us as happy as we wish they would.

So instead of deciding on a, 'New Year New Me' kind of situation, I wanted to make a 'New Year, Better me'

That one,  is definitely possible.

I feel most of us fail to accomplish what we set out to be our resolutions because we tend to overwhelm ourselves with changing into this new person. I don't think this is something that is needed. I don't even think it is something positive.

No matter what, we are all beautiful people. Things that are occurring on the outside world might just not be making us happy.

Whether its the guy not making us happy; our body isn't how we want it to be; whether or not we want to keep doing this or that... you get the point.

That got me thinking if it is our behaviors that lead to those outside events. After all, our word is shaped by how we perceive things and how we react to those thoughts.

The resolutions we tend to set are sometimes things that we already know are not going to be accomplished the second we write them down, or make a mental note of them though and punish ourselves when we "fail."

A quick example in my own life was that I wanted to go to the gym a few times a week and so on. But, I knew life was going to get in the way sometimes and other times, I might just not want to.
"Be more active" is what replaced it.

Some of you might not agree with my easier on thy self perspective, but I know for some, it might do well. Especially if, like me, you are recovering from an addiction.

Setting goals that are actually within your grasp and those that you will not hate yourself for setting in the first place, will be much more rewarding. It is then after your reach some of those goals that you can continue to work up to what you eventually want to accomplish.

What I am trying to get to really, is make 2016 a year that you are nicer to yourself. Be more compassionate, and don't be too hard on yourself.

Those are some of the most destructive patterns of thinking when it comes to happiness and your own self-perception.

I know for myself, it is what made 2015 a particular difficult year, when I don't think it really had to be.

 

One of the most important things we need to remember...

“I’ve made mistakes in my life. I’ve let people take advantage of me, and I accepted way less than I deserve, but I’ve learned from my bad choices and even though there are some things I can never get back and people who will never be sorry, I’ll know better next time and I won’t settle for anything less than I deserve.”

~Unknown,

Always remember...

"Still around the corner there may wait, a new road, or a secret gate" 

- J.R.R Tolkien

Life, Fear, & the Ego

It has been a long time since I have actually been able to sit down, write, and finish by posting whatever my mind threw at the screen. I have... quite a lot of drafts saved up that I couldn't get myself to post for some reason. For a while, I think I felt that I didn't have anything positive or good enough to say.

So many things were happening that were dragging me down. So many negative things kept flying at me, slowly breaking me apart. I know, I ignored my own advice, and kept quiet about it all. All this led to me, once again, falling back to a place where I felt numbing out my emotions was what I needed to do.(WHY?!) 

So now that I am in the process of climbing out of the dark hole I threw myself in, I can't help but be a little disappointed in myself. Then again, it is just one more lesson that was thrown at me so that hopefully, I learn from my mistake...that was made multiple times. 

Anyway, over the past few months, I was asking a lot of people a few questions; some of them I knew, others I didn't. Mostly the questions were for a book I am writing, but there is one thing that was present in almost everyone's answer that I wanted to talk about. (Stick with me here, it all ties together)

Fear. In one way or another, when I asked about certain subjects, such as how they make decisions, their goals, their personality, they were all influenced by fear. I guess that is the main reason I couldn't get myself to post all that I had written too. "It's not good enough," or, "I should be doing better," or any of those bullshit thoughts, are all the voice of the ego.

All of us, or at least most, are guilty of letting fear control the decisions we make almost every day. Whether we know it or not, I feel like fear has become so deeply instilled in us that we honestly don't even recognize it anymore. I know for me personally, this has been true for a long time now. Don't get me wrong, if you are one of the few that has been able to shut it out, my hat is off to you. But for the rest of us, and I know this is 100% true for myself, it is going to take a lot of work to not only ignore the fear, but recognize where the fear is lurking.

"So many choose our path out of fear disguised as practicality" 

This is the quote that made me think about all of this. When I first heard it, I must of repeated it about 10 times in my head. I flipped through some of the responses I had written down from those who had answered my questions, and many had said something along the lines of, "I'm more of a practical person," and,  "I don't let emotions effect me." Even many of the people I know or grew up with have a kind of mindset that blocking out emotions is something that betters us, or protects us in some way. 

I mean, shit, isn't this kind of what I was doing the past few months? 

So then it got me thinking, how much of that "practical" way of life, is one that is really based on fear. Where we make decisions based on past experiences where the end result was pain. Is it understandable? Hell yeah, and sometimes I don't think it is even something that is bad. It is when we let ourselves build it all up inside so that we get calloused to not only the bad, but the world in general.  

Picture by: Cuito Cuanavale

I think that is the cycle that I am trying to break right now. I think it is definitely good to be weary about some things, but not to be so numb and calloused towards so much that this world has to offer... and with the many years of my life that I already gave away to addiction, I want to experience all I can and not let fear or ego control my choices. Because when you think about it, once you let fear move in and start changing the way you think, it starts taking over almost every decision that you can make. Whether it be debating on doing something that day, some other choice, and especially in relationships and love interests. I think it is with the latter that I really need to remember this quote and try to push that fear as far away as I can.  

I think it is a part of that complete feeling of peace that so many of us are constantly trying to achieve. But, in order to get there, we have to let that armor go. Let the real you decide, not fear. 

"There are two choices in this world: Love, or Fear. Choose love, and don't ever let fear turn you against your heart."

Was it Death?

Yesterday was kind of an off day. A day where I guess Death was just a main theme. I had found out that a friend of mine lost a friend due to an overdose of heroin. Another life sadly cut so short because of addiction.

So the day already kind of just had a feel in the air. I was already trying to keep up with the thoughts that were racing though my mind.

Well a bit later on, I went to meet up with a few friends at out favorite coffee house by the beach. It has always been the place I go to when I just need to relax and calm the storm going on in my own head.

Just as the thought of death was starting to drift away from me, a man came up to us who looked about in his late 60s. To sum up the next 30 minutes of conversation with him, he basically told us he had lung cancer and was only given a few months left. He had told us that he had done so much in his life. He had fought in wars, traveled to many different countries, and crossed off everything on his bucket list. He was now, "tired, and ready to go."

He walked away, and that was that. All of us were at a loss of words without a clue to how to react to this, and he just walked off. I felt sorry for the man, but also glad he was so accepting of what was happening to him.

The rest of the night just consisted of me deep in thought about death. One of my biggest fears. My mind wandered back to all the friends I had lost, all the lives that were taken daily by addiction and so on. I specifically kept thinking about my last overdose. I was lucky enough to survive three, but never thought much of it. I remember sometimes wishing I hadn't made it, that it would just all end and I would be at peace.

Thinking back now of that time... well it just gives me chills. There is so much I still want to do in my life. So much I want to be. From school, to my career, to my writing, love, and just so much. Unlike so many others, we still have the chance to make life better for ourselves. And we need to take that chance and try our best. If there is something we are unhappy about, we have the option of trying to change it.

I want that mindset that the older man had. I want to try my best to accomplish everything I want. Then, at my final years, hopefully them still being far far away, I will be satisfied with the life I have lived.

So maybe the main theme of yesterday wasn't really all about death, or maybe it was? Either way, until that time comes, I still have so much left I want to do. Don't you?

Simple Works.

Do you ever get in those moods. I feel in my recovery, that feeling has visited me a number of times now. I was reading a fellow bloggers post and it just really made me think. To summarize his post, it basically covered the topic of lack of motivation. Being completely, "underwhelmed by life."

(Photo taken from: Scott Robinson on Flickr)

I automatically knew exactly what he was talking about just because of how common it is for me to feel that way. Talking to some other addicts has told me they go through this (not so exciting) period quite often as well. Alright... so how do we fix it?

If I had that answer, I would be doing my happy dance right now (yes I have one). But I don't have the answer, so I won't get to do my longed for victory dance.

What I did figure out though, is something that at least gets my ass out of the chair and pushes those feelings back a little. And when you are at that point ( where you don't see the point of getting dressed, the curtains have to be closed, and you are watching episode after episode of whatever you haven't seen on Netflix yet), it only really takes a little to make you feel a whole lot better.

So back to what helps me. I'm sure many of you already do this, and for some it might not do anything, but if you know this feeling and haven't tried this, I hope it helps.

Mini-Goals. 

Yup. Small daily or weekly goals. For me it helps if I write it down somewhere. Specifically I write it on a small whiteboard I got. I guess it is something about the weird satisfaction I get from crossing or checking something off....is that weird? Well anyways, that is what I do.

Oh and for the goals? It can literally be anything. For me it has been a lot of studying, or chores and errands, or photography, or cleaning..literally anything. If you need to go somewhere on a certain day, write it down. When you come back from whatever it was, check it off.

So yes, it is definitely extremely simple, but it helps. It gives me that satisfaction of knowing I am getting something done. I am actually accomplishing something. It makes me feel like I am not just sitting around and wasting away. Then, that little bit of motivation I get helps me set bigger goals for my future that I actually really want to reach.

Again, it might seem lame or overly simple, but we all just need that little bit of a push to get us back in the swing of things.

So if this is how you have been feeling lately, think about doing it. It really is the small stuff that actually helps quite a lot. Besides, Netflix will always be there later. Don't worry I checked ;)

'nuff said

Life Quote

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is though nothing is a miracle. The other is though everything is a miracle. "

- Albert Einstein  

“Even if you are falling on your face, you are still moving forward.”
- Victor Kiam

It might  not be the best quote out there, but this one really spoke to me for some reason. I heard it from some counselor while I wan in rehab and it just stuck with me. At that point of my life... lets just say I just face-planted pretty damn hard. But it was that fall that gave me the courage to get up and wipe the dirt off. I had to learn. If I tripped over my shoelaces, or over a crack, I now know what not to do to keep me on my feet. You know? Or maybe I just interpreted it in a weird way haha, but hopefully you guys will like it.