Don't Live Dead

Alright so the year has officially settled in and most of us are getting back to our regular routines. I am even already starting to write down the correct year when I am required to enter the date (good sign!). But still being so early in the new year, I feel so many of us still continue to reflect on the previous year in all different kinds of ways.

We think about 2013 and think about all those moments that really stick out. The funny, the surprising, the happy, and so on. But I feel some of the moments that stick out the most are the ones that can be considered the, "bad," ones. Everyone's bad of last year is most likely different and can vary from the ones that hurt the most, or the ones that stick out in your head that continues to be something you want to change or do something about. I mean, for a lot of us, this is where our, "New Year's Resolutions" come from right?

So I was minding my own business at my favorite Coffee House, and there was a few people sitting close to me that were having a certain conversation. Ok... so that's where the minding my own business kinda came to a stop. Sorry group of 4 or 5 strangers.

Anyways, the conversation was all based on the year and a certain...quote I guess you could call it, that I am sure everyone has heard some kind of version of. I forget which one they read because I didn't want to add to my creepy level and get closer to their computer screen, but it was the one that basically states that hopes and expectations are the main cause for pain. To sum up everything, they were saying that for this year they will try to not have any hopes and get rid of their expectations.

Ok hold up, I don't usually do this..ya know, do the creepy listening in on thing, but it was about something I had just seen going around like crazy on Tumblr and was planning on writing about anyway...so that's my excuse.

Anyhow. Don't hold me to this but I think it was Shakespeare that was first quoted with this? Well, I remember hearing it or seeing it around quite a few times already throughout my life. Every single time I would whole-heartedly agree. Even after I got out of rehab I was still in agreeance...and to be completely honest, I have to fight myself to push that mindset away still sometimes to this day.

I remember the day that I really thought about this whole idea for quite some time. Actually trying to live life without any expectations or hopes. So no expectations for the day to be good, no expectations for your friends or family to treat you well or anything like that. And then for the getting rid of our hopes bit. Having no hope. Sure, goals can still be made , but the hope and expectations we usually have to get there, just would not exist. So in the end, if the goal is not reached, or you think you "failed" at something, would there still be no pain? If we did not have expectations of the people we decide to keep close , would we still be affected by them treating us wrongly? Could we still just shrug it off, walk away and just forget about it?

 

Image by: Nina Matthews

Maybe, maybe not. But all I know is that hope and expectations have done a lot of good in my life. Keeping my expectations of how I should be treated and how any kind of relationship should go about in my life needs a few expectations. Not many, but just a few. I know for a while when I didn't have expectations from my partner, not only did it get abusive, but simply nothing about it was good. The people we DECIDE to keep in our lives should be the ones that we know that truly care. So we SHOULD be able to hold them to certain expectations. Ones that we should of course be held to as well. Being nice, caring, showing empathy, love and care...you know, things like that.  I feel it is not only a matter of respecting others, but also having to do with having respect for ourselves. 

And for my quick opinion on trying not to have any hope. Sure it can be possible, but is it something we really want. For a long time hope was something that was completely lacking in my life; I couldn't find it anywhere I looked. 

Looking back, I think I was scared. Maybe scared to see something I hadn't in almost a decade, a world of possibilities...a "normal" world. I had no idea what a normal world could be anymore, but I didn't know if I could handle the challenges of sobriety. 

The way I see it now? Hope is something we should all have. In fact, maybe even something we need. If not, the short and fragile life we have will not only become dull, but will be a waste of everyones talents and possibilities. Our hope is what pushes us to keep going. Our hope is what keeps us from giving up. Our hope is what keeps our spirit alive. 

Just because we haven't gotten somewhere, only means we haven't gotten there yet. That's definitely something I have learned in my short year and a half of sobriety. And one thing I can promise you all, is that if I didn't regain my hope in thinking I could even get to where I am now, I most likely would not still be here writing this right now. 

So in the end, keep those hopes and expectations. It might just save your spirit, and even your life as it did mine. 

Graveyard of Death & Love

So I don't know if you have been keeping up with the last few posts, but for a real quick catch up:

Dealing with a lot currently, which leads to me thinking a lot. I think any Addict can tell you that can be dangerous.

All caught up? Maybe?

Anyways. I was also talking about how I had to slowly teach myself to allow emotion back into my life. And I am sure much of you have or are doing the same thing.

So what happens when you think you are doing well and all the sudden you walk into a wall you never even knew you had built.         How exciting...something else to work on right?

That treasure chest of emotions that come with love, our hearts, and trust, had all been buried in the dust. Looking back, I can't say I am surprised. With all that was "needed" to be done; Faking relationships for manipulation, seeing love and its meaning crumble all around, and loosing more than a few friends as well as a lover in my arms. Yeah, I can say that was the one that truly did it.

I might not of buried them myself, but I definitely handed my heart to the gravedigger to finish the job.

Picture by: LadyDragonFly

Now a few years later, when someone came around who might make me want to dig up that treasure chest, I found myself just standing in front of that grave frozen in fear, shovel in hand.

Back then I stuck to a simple rule. Relationships (of any kind) means loss. So naturally I stayed away from anything real with the possibility of what I thought was a ticking time bomb of overwhelming pain. In my mind I had already felt that blast too many times before.

Back to now. So many of my thoughts have already changed, so I figured this might me an important one to figure out. The biggest thing I am trying to change is to see it is an opportunity for happiness in an actual healthy relationship.

Is it that word that scares me? Happiness? I think it really did come to a point where I was comfortable in the world of chaos I was living in. The chaotic world filled with death, danger, and drugs was a constant day-to-day normal. And to be completely honest, I think sometimes it excited me. I was comfortable. Maybe comfortable isn't the right word....I got adjusted? I trained myself to expect the worst in no matter what situation because most likely that was going to happen.

I looked at every situation as a game of Russian Roulette, except with only one missing bullet.

It is a constant reminder when I wake up that I am no longer in that world. Meaning the way of thinking I had about everything needed to change, including love and all those awkward gushy feelings that I'll spare you from reading.

So yeah, I think I'll start digging up that grave...especially since someone has come along and truly does deserve it. It is something that will take some time, and I hope they understand, but it is something I am willing to do.

Again, like I warned you in my last post, my mind has been everywhere lately..and yeah, that means my writing will be too. So hopefully some of this made sense and maybe even a few of you can relate. Either way,

Hope all is well & most of all Stay Strong.

Abuse? Rape? Drugs?

"The past is the past."

How many times have we heard that now? I could honestly not even tell you. It isn't even that it makes me mad I guess, just because deep down I know they could not understand. (No Offense)

I get it though, and don't get me wrong I don't completely disagree.

Now before I go on... AGAIN, I AM NO LICENSED THERAPIST OR ANY OTHER OF THAT.

Anyways, as I have said before, different things work for different people. Trying to forget it all and move on? Well, in the most polite way I can say it, there was no worse way for me to try to deal with it.

For a while I was just trying to push the memories out of my mind, using any sort of chemical help I thought would help. The only thing that achieved was a 7 year addiction and two good old overdoses where I ended up waking up in two overly bright hospital rooms. (I don't recommend it)

So then how the hell do we do it? Why can't we just go back to normal?

After some good time of just bouncing that question around in my head during endless walks on the beach, I gave up. There is no normal...

Nah, there is no forgetting that. And no one should even try to, trust me you will make yourself crazy.

So what am I doing now and what the hell does this whole post get to?

My Abuser, my Rapist, the blood that was spilt, and the pain and torture I experienced will be something that will be apart of me for the rest of my life. I've tried the running away, I've tried every synthetic chemical happiness this world has to offer, and, like I am sure you guys know, that doesn't do a whole lot.

I decided I couldn't let him win. They were not going to control my life, nor were the other experiences I was told to forget. These are all events that have already happened. That is something I can not do anything about. I had no other choice but to accept it. Sadly, don't we all?

I can't give you much advice with the unfortunate events that have happened in your life (as sorry as I am), but I can tell you what I did.

I let myself cry. I got angry...really damn angry. I cried more. And I had enough. The bullet had already pierced through my body and all I was doing was letting it bleed out. I saw myself in the mirror and all I saw was that big hole in my chest that was just getting bigger letting more and more of myself escape through it with how I was handling it. Looking up at my face shocked me even more, it just seemed like I was wearing a mask.

I was ready to win this battle. I did everything I could think off every day. At some time I knew that a slow healing process would close up the hole little by little; pieces of that mask were starting to crumble off right along with it.

So now. a few years later from all of that. Well yeah, it still hurts quite a damn lot sometimes, but it controls my life in a completely different way.

My strength comes from what I have endured. My determination comes from what had happened to show myself what exactly I can do. My hope, that I can try to help some other young that have been through some sort of the same thing. But most importantly...

It came down to one simple thing. I WILL DID NOT LET THEM STEAL MY LIFE.

Don't be scared of your previous chapters...after all, it's what makes our story and the ending so damn special. And the cool part about that...is that we have the power to write our ending exactly the way we want.

Picture by: Moyan Brenn

And I don't know about you, but I am nowhere near finished with mine.

Much Love fellow Bloggers.

The crappy, annoying, hard things in life

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Well to put it simply today has been a...well a shit storm. Excuse the language. To sum it up, the past was on my mind today a lot due to it being the two-year-anniversary to a good friends death. Then just a whole bunch of little things went wrong and everything just added up. You know that point where you are so frustrated you don't know whether to scream or cry? Yeah, that's what it felt like. 

Anyway. I saw this quote and it kinda just made me think. 

After quite some time thinking about this on my patio, I finally felt a little better. We have all been through hard times in our life. Not just addicts, but everyone. The thing is, whatever happened in our past is...in our past. We can't do anything to change that it happened. Same with the things that are going to happen right? Whatever those events may be, we won't really see them till it is happening. 

Still with me?

While we don't really have control over some event that will happen in our future, how we choose to react to them is completely in our control. In no way am I saying we should all be completely positive about our pet dying, or getting fired, or some other crappy thing that might happen (personally I think that would be kinda weird), but is there some way we can learn something or take something away from whatever already/will happen?

Trust me, I know it is a lot harder said than done, but I would rather be trying to find the light than to dwell on everything bad in the world. Asking ourselves why this or that happened will only lead to more frustration, and in my case more tubs of Toll House cookie dough. 

We can choose to grow with every thing that happens in our lives, the good and the bad. That is what we do have control over. Whatever you take away from it that helps is your choice. In the end the corny saying is true, we DO only have one life. 

So while dealing with our not so pleasant emotions is a good thing, just try to not get yourself stuck there for too long. 

Who Am I?

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves."
- Henry David Thoreau

Yeah... I could say I agree with that. When we are busy doing...whatever really, life seems to pass by so fast. Whether it be working, playing,or blogging. When things are mostly going right, we never really look to deeply into ourselves. We simply hold on to that good feeling as long as we can. So then what happens when the good goes away and is replaced with horrible?

When those moments come along where we feel like the light at the end of the tunnel is nowhere to be found, it is then that we learn so much about ourselves. I know for me personally, I learned more about myself in a few months than I had my whole life. 

It is in the moments where we feel we are drowning that we learn what we want in life. It is in those moments where we learn to appreciate those people close to us, and most importantly, we learn to appreciate the little things in life that make us happy. 

Although it might be hard, the next time you feel you are at the bottom of the pool gasping for air, think of that quote. When the time comes and you are looking back, what were you able to take away from the experience. I know it is a lot easier said than done, but still... try to learn something from your next "down." As corny as it might sound, what you take away may actually could change your life. 

For me I didn't think I was going to make it out alive, and now that I have I feel like I know so much more about what I want to do than ever. There are still so many questions I have that are unanswered at the moment, but no one should ever be in a rush to finish their own story.

I guess it just really is up to us to decide on how we look at everything going on. In a few years when I look back and ask myself who I am, I hope to have an answer that includes the lessons I learned to make all the times I hated going through worth it. 

Will you?