How Can I Help?

How can I help? What a strong question that gets belittled each and every day. Do we really mean it when we say it?

Anyway, it's the title of a book I had to read for a class I was taking. Not to sound like a preacher, but I definitely think this is a book we should all read.

Whatever we are going through, I feel this brook will help you look at things just a bit differently. It really made me think; how I looked at life, the world around me, and the things I am doing every single day.

To be perfectly honest, sometimes the book made me feel like shit. But don't get me wrong, it is still an amazing book.

How can I describe it? I guess the title says it all. It not only makes you ask yourself how you can help the people and world around you, but even more importantly, it makes you think about how you can help yourself.

From anything I have learned in sobriety, which still doesn't even amount too much, is that we all need to help ourselves first. Before anything else we try to tackle with someone else.

Whether it is be being depressed as hell, angry as shit, or just craving that chemical help that we addicts were so fond of, it makes us really look deep inside ourselves and reach into the guts and messy shit we stored in the back of our minds that we don't want to deal with.

Trust me, I know that sounds terrible; just writing it made me realize that. But it helps you figure out the questions we need to ask ourselves to bring the fucked up shit to the front of the mind without having to kick it away with all your might. It does it in a subtle way that also gives you the strength the follow through.

I know, I've been writing more of a book review than a blog post, but I felt like I had to share this book. It's got nothing to do with AA or NA, but just plain old yourself and the world in the way you see it. It has already helped me figure some stuff out, and showed me things that I really need to work on. I'm sure it can, if not help you, change your perspective on some things in a positive way.

Alright, I'm done ranting. Just wanted to share something I thought might help.

Stay Strong Beautiful People

Drugs, Addiction, and the Future?

Image by: Lara Cores

There has been so much on my mind lately. With being concerned with me still trying to fix some of the wreckage that my addict self managed to leave behind, to me being back in school, which leads to me thinking about my future, which I realized actually really scares the shit out of me. 

Before it, whatever the future was, never really crossed my mind. Or if it did, it was there only for a few seconds before the next wave of codeine washed it away. So now that my sea of codeine is (thankfully) all dried up, so many new things are in front of me. 

Don't get my wrong , I'm not complaining... It's just that back then, the "future" had a completely different meaning. Most of it having to do with trying to forget the past, and trying to sell enough so I had enough money to live an addict's version of comfortable, and have enough pills or whatever to get me by. I even found my old diary, and numerous pages includes me thinking I wasn't going make it past 25. 

So first of all... Fuck that. I will happily live past 25! We all should! Besides, why would I wanna miss being able to rent a car by myself. Can you say, MILESTONE?!

 But in all honesty, finding those pages was definitely strange. I didn't recognize the person who wrote those fading words. I didn't even want to.

Original Image by: Emdot   (I distorted it a bit)

So then I started to revisit the thoughts on my future. As much as they scared me, I saw excitement somewhere in that same fear. It might take a good while... It will Definitely take some time to fight and get readjusted to life without addiction in the drivers seat, 2 years for me now, but as I look back, and when I read those pages... This strange, new, scary, emotional, and hard life is still what I would choose instead of the previous. 

There's so much left to be discovered, to experience, to be felt... That most likely sounded corny, but it's true. Stick with me. 

There is all this stuff I am finding out about myself. Some might be strange to you..... Like it was for me when I discovered the secret nerd in me who loved studying and learning. Didn't see that one coming. 

So really, who knows what the future has in store for us. Worrying about it, well, doesn't do shit but make everything more stressful. Without being tied down to addiction, that whole saying... what is it, "you can be anything you want if you try hard enough," or something of that sort, might actually be true. 

I guess the point is that.. Well we aren't tied down. We can work towards anything without worrying about having enough of whatever our poison of choice was, or if there is a dealer in this or that city, or any of that stuff. And I don't know about you, but I wanna find out what I can actually do. For myself of course, and also as (excuse the language) a fuck you to those who thought/said we wouldn't amount to anything. 

It might not be easy getting there, but I am almost 100 percent sure it is going to be so much more worth it to work and find our potential. Whatever the hell that might be. 

In the end, I guess the future will be the result of a whole bunch of "right now's". So then I guess it's just right now that I have to think about. And right now, is always completely in our control. And right now, thanks to this little therapy session(?), I'm doing alright, no longer terrified of that future thats been occupying my mind for a while. 

You guys (blogging community) are my strength a lot of the times, so for that I need to say THANK YOU. Stay strong everyone.

Addiction & Frustration & Writing

And this is how the shit-storm all starts again… that is, if I let it.

Summer has officially started which means no more classes and no homework, which all comes down to having nothing to keep me busy.

Complaining about not having homework and classes…yeah, it even surprises me.

After drugs, I think we all try to avoid that dangerous feeling of being bored. What’s that saying? “Idle hands are the devils playground?” Guess I now understand it.

I’m sure most of my fellow “recovering” addicts out there can agree with me when I say, it fucking drives me nuts Just sitting there can make your brain pull out all sorts of memories from the very back corner of your mind that brings out…what were those things we were trying to numb out? Oh yeah…emotions.

 

Image by: Mindaugas

Well I knew I needed to keep myself busy, so the first thing that popped into my head was writing. So here I am, just letting the words flow out. Like many of you, writing just…well I guess I can only describe it as something I NEED to do. The best form of therapy I know.

So one thing I need to do is get back involved in the blogging world. I know it always helps me, somehow I just never end up posting the things I write. I guess it’s a confidence thing? Don’t think it’s, “good enough,” or something like that.

Then I thought about it… I can’t let my insecurities stop me from doing what I love, not anymore. That is after all where that happiness comes from that we are always looking for right?

Besides, the responses or messages you get from the people you meet while blogging, can literally make your day sometimes. I know many of you have for me. (THANK YOU!)

So, besides blogging I have also decided to finally try writing my novel that has been on my to-do list since I was 7…or somewhere around there. So if any of you are writing out there, and have advice, I would LOVE to hear it.

To end, I guess being bored can also be a good thing. It gives you an opportunity to try something new, find a new hobby, or write every random word going on in your head. The hard part is just getting started.

Stay strong everyone. And have a good night.