Image by: Lara Cores
There has been so much on my mind lately. With being concerned with me still trying to fix some of the wreckage that my addict self managed to leave behind, to me being back in school, which leads to me thinking about my future, which I realized actually really scares the shit out of me.
Before it, whatever the future was, never really crossed my mind. Or if it did, it was there only for a few seconds before the next wave of codeine washed it away. So now that my sea of codeine is (thankfully) all dried up, so many new things are in front of me.
Don't get my wrong , I'm not complaining... It's just that back then, the "future" had a completely different meaning. Most of it having to do with trying to forget the past, and trying to sell enough so I had enough money to live an addict's version of comfortable, and have enough pills or whatever to get me by. I even found my old diary, and numerous pages includes me thinking I wasn't going make it past 25.
So first of all... Fuck that. I will happily live past 25! We all should! Besides, why would I wanna miss being able to rent a car by myself. Can you say, MILESTONE?!
But in all honesty, finding those pages was definitely strange. I didn't recognize the person who wrote those fading words. I didn't even want to.
Original Image by: Emdot (I distorted it a bit)
So then I started to revisit the thoughts on my future. As much as they scared me, I saw excitement somewhere in that same fear. It might take a good while... It will Definitely take some time to fight and get readjusted to life without addiction in the drivers seat, 2 years for me now, but as I look back, and when I read those pages... This strange, new, scary, emotional, and hard life is still what I would choose instead of the previous.
There's so much left to be discovered, to experience, to be felt... That most likely sounded corny, but it's true. Stick with me.
There is all this stuff I am finding out about myself. Some might be strange to you..... Like it was for me when I discovered the secret nerd in me who loved studying and learning. Didn't see that one coming.
So really, who knows what the future has in store for us. Worrying about it, well, doesn't do shit but make everything more stressful. Without being tied down to addiction, that whole saying... what is it, "you can be anything you want if you try hard enough," or something of that sort, might actually be true.
I guess the point is that.. Well we aren't tied down. We can work towards anything without worrying about having enough of whatever our poison of choice was, or if there is a dealer in this or that city, or any of that stuff. And I don't know about you, but I wanna find out what I can actually do. For myself of course, and also as (excuse the language) a fuck you to those who thought/said we wouldn't amount to anything.
It might not be easy getting there, but I am almost 100 percent sure it is going to be so much more worth it to work and find our potential. Whatever the hell that might be.
In the end, I guess the future will be the result of a whole bunch of "right now's". So then I guess it's just right now that I have to think about. And right now, is always completely in our control. And right now, thanks to this little therapy session(?), I'm doing alright, no longer terrified of that future thats been occupying my mind for a while.
You guys (blogging community) are my strength a lot of the times, so for that I need to say THANK YOU. Stay strong everyone.
