Drugs.Change.Nostalgia.

Image by: Cliff1066

Nostalgia.

Something that can bring a smile to your face or the exact opposite. I think for the first year or so of sobriety the past shows up quite a bit in your thoughts. At least it most definitely did for me.

I was with a friend today and we both agreed that there are some things from the past that we really miss. And honestly, for quite some time I did not want to move on. I didn't want to let go, or even knew how to. I'm mostly talking about friends and the times that were shared. Maybe I was just young, but I definitely thought that some of the people who I considered  a close friend at the time, were going to remain in my life for a very long time.

I think the reason I wanted to hold on so badly was because right after you get clean, your normal everyday life is so extremely uncomfortable. So badly did I want something I was used to. So badly did I want the group of friends I used to have to come back so I could have just a little bit of that comfortable feeling. Of course, reintroducing them into my life would have been anything but helpful, I just didn't know it then.

Change.

That's all my life was about at that time... and pretty much still is. After some time I knew the only way my life was going to get better was if I not only accepted the change, but also embraced it. That was the part that was even harder. I never really liked change. If I felt comfortable in that moment, I did not see a point of changing anything. But when that change is the only way for you to survive, a choice doesn't really exist anymore.

"You can't cling on to the past because no matter how tightly you try to hold on, it's already gone."

    - Ted Mosby          

Yes, it is a quote from one of the main characters in How I met Your Mother. You have to agree though, he had a damn good point. The more we try to hold on, the further back we are going to have to reach. The further back we reach, the harder it is to keep our balance and move forward like we need to.

Happiness.

That is where I wanna be. I am not yet completely there, but I feel I am on my way. I definitely realized it was nowhere to be seen in my past. Actually, it was just the opposite. My past was full of despair, loneliness, death, tragedy, danger, and more death. I know most of you who have struggled with addiction can definitely relate to that. And I was definitely sick of all that. So I wanted to try...I needed to try to change.

It is now a little over a year and there has definitely been lots of changes. For the most part, things are... OK right now. Just kind of trying to figure out what it is I really want to do with my life. My hope for the future is definitely what keeps me going though. I want to prove myself wrong when I kept saying I'm always going to be the Addict. I know I can become something I will be proud of. We all can.

At the end of the day, all that matters is that we keep going. The past contains nothing but broken memories and numbed out emotions. So it is the future I look forward to. It will be a damn long journey, but I already know it will be rewarding. We all know what our lowest point was like, but we still have no idea what our highest point 

can be.

And that is something that we all deserve to find out.

The Addict AND You

Whether it is you first week sober or you are reaching your 5 year mark, we will always remember the shame and guilt that comes with getting clean. There comes a time though, after we have learned from our mistakes, where you should be allowed to move on. Enough emotional and physical pain has been endured. In no way am I saying that the person you were should be forgotten about, but I believe that it should be known that we have all made quite the change. When we make the choice to decide to get clean, we slowly start ripping out the monster that had possessed us for so long. 

That's the thing... Addiction changes you. And with all the hard work that comes with getting clean and reverting back to a "normal" lifestyle, it is something that everyone deserves to move on from.  

Something that I really wanted to bring up in this post though is that some people won't let you separate yourself from the addict. You have apologized as much as you can. Really tried your best to explain that the person you have changed into is nothing like the one that was. It can be a complete stranger, or someone who you have known for years. If it is the latter then that is when it can be really frustrating and hard.

I believe to really understand addiction, what it does, how it makes you feel, how it simply takes over every part of who you are, you have had to of gone through it. 

So that is why I can't be angry at the people who don't accept the change we go through. Why I can't be mad by the choices they make to not trust, or to not see us as a completely different person, and for relationships to not go back to how they used to be. It definitely sucks yeah, but if we have tried multiple times to apologize and try to prove we have changed, there is not much more we can do.

My opinion on this now? Just another part of this struggle we have to go through. At first I didn't want to accept that I might have to let go of more people, but then we need to realize that we deserve the chance to change.

We already accomplished the hardest step. We got clean. Now it is as simple as bettering our lives for no one other than ourselves. Part of that involves surrounding ourselves with people who give me, you...all of us support. It is a brand new part of our lives where we have to opportunity to rebuild, and start new. No one should get in the way of that for us.

So if it comes to a point where someone is constantly dangling your past in front of you after many attempts to heal the relationship, it is time to accept them not being able to understand. Many other people out there will support you. Many other people can be in our life without having to bring us down. And remember we deserve that chance to move on. Not forget, but move on. In no way is it their fault, but it isn't fair to us either. 

4:45 A.M & Sober

It is nights like tonight that just make me really happy. Wasn't anything extravagant or anything...rather simple actually. A few close friends came over and we all just enjoyed each others company and watched some movies. When I was still living in my world controlled by drugs and my addiction I could never fully appreciate something like this. 

Before I got sober I am pretty sure I would be out with people till sunrise almost every night. Doing whatever really. And naturally many of them were dealing with the same strangling addiction that I was. But at some point I always questioned if some of these people were around because they actually really cared about me, or if it had more to do with the drugs.

I think many addicts sometimes feel this way. We never really know who are "real" friends are when drugs are involved. It was definitely something that I questioned many times throughout the years. 

I think that is why nights like these feel so special to me now. Just another reason why getting sober has made life better. The people that stick around and are willing to just have a lazy night and hangout are... well, they actually want to be there. Not because drugs were available, but because they actually want to be there with you.  

I am looking around at my friends, who are now either drooling on a pillow, snoring, or both, and can't help but just smile. I'm smiling because...I mean it would definitely be an amazing picture if I wasn't to lazy to go find my phone, but I am mainly smiling just because when you are sober you can actually feel a real friendship. I don't really know how else to explain it...but I like it. 

I hope everyone beats addiction for so many reasons. But I think this is one that I would put at one of the best. Just being able to feel the connection from people, as well as the happiness that comes from that.

Everyone deserves to feel that. 

Friends and Addiction?

I think this is definitely another really common question I get asked when people talk to me about getting clean. I know it was for sure on my mind when I was in rehab.

"Do I really have to stop hanging out with my current friends?"

To be honest, I don't really know. Again, like all of my posts kinda say, it depends on the person and the people who are in their life. Also, I think it depends on how badly one wants to truly stay clean and no longer be in the grasp of their addiction. 

In my case, I knew right away I would have to make some changes. I kinda had two groups of friends:

• The friends I have kept that knew about my addiction but constantly tried to help
• The friends that joined in on everything and were in the same downward spiral I was in.

This last time I got clean was the first time I actually wanted to stay clean. Not just because I didn't have the money anymore. So anyways, at that point I knew that for this to even be possible I am going to have to surround myself with the people that truly want me to get better and are showing me that living sober is possible and, most importantly, not miserable. 

You have to kind of take yourself out of your own perspective and look at the situation from the outside. If you think being around [insert name here] is going to make you want to use or even just have drugs to give you, then for your own sake it would be better to no longer go about with them. 

I always thought of my friends as basically family, so I knew I couldn't just cut them out (which many people told me to do). I simply told them that for my own health, I have to focus on me right now and I couldn't put myself in that kind of situation. All of them knew they could come to me for help if they wanted to get clean. But even just sometimes talking on the phone to some of them was hard, so again, it depends on if you are comfortable with it. If you even have one doubt, then it would be safer not to. At least until you get more clean time under your belt and you feel like you can deal with it. 

Either way, if they really are your friend, you know... the real ones that actually want the best for you, then they will definitely understand. 

Besides, after some time I actually realized that I never really had anything in common with most of them, besides needing those drugs that is. So it was much easier to reestablish my friend circle than I originally thought. 

I wish the best to all of you

**In no way am I a counselor or professional in the subject. This is all simply based on personal experience**