Image by: Akzidenzsetzer
That time of the year is here once again. The crisp cool air is beginning to roll back in, followed by those dark clouds and the release of rain. It is the kind of weather that I love. I guess it kinda reminds me of my early childhood back in Ireland. And besides, who doesn't love breaking out their whole set of favorite winter coats and jackets.
Anyways, there is something new about the cold seasons that unfortunately brought my excitement down a few levels. Basically this weather and time of year is just one big trigger for me now. Can that even be possible? I mean, last years winter, with it being my first, was definitely a tough one. Every day I had such strong cravings. The kind where the frustration would just bring you to the point of uncontrollable tears.
Anyone who has ever taken any kind of painkillers or any kind of Opiates, knows that warm blanket that gets immediately dropped in your lap the second those chemicals take effect. So I am thinking that might be the reason why it hit me so hard at first? Who knows.
This time around I can already feel that it will be easier, but I know the frustration will still make itself known here and there. I really don't know why this time of year affects me this much. I mean I know I didn't physically feel the cold as much, but I don't think that is the only reason why it became that big of a trigger. Do any of you guys get it?
Well until something about this makes more sense, this is how I am currently looking at it. I feel like maybe the pills added that extra bit of synthetic euphoria to something that already made me really happy. So ultimately while I was using, I feel like I got used to a raised "excitement level."
So for now I am trying to remember that it was all chemical and not real. What I found that really helped me was to just actually go sit out at my favorite coffee shop (or somewhere nice outside), and just remember what I really enjoyed about the upcoming season. I sat there, sometimes for a few minutes....sometimes for an hour.
As soon as I remembered the actual things that I enjoyed about my favorite time of year, the cravings slowly went away. And honestly, there were actually many things I forgot I liked about some of these places, since being loaded doesn't really let you feel much.
So figuring that out made me look at many other situations the same way. When I first got sober, i remember just everything being so dull without the drugs. But again, like I have said in so many of my posts, it really just comes down to having to rewire our brains. We are really forced to just dig deep inside, get past the good times we THOUGHT we had on drugs, and figure out what it was that really made us happy.
Sitting in that chair, letting the cold breeze wash over my face, while the sweet smell of my Caramel Macchiatto drifted up to my nose, is when I remembered that it was this that I really liked. The calmness. Not synthetic or chemical calmness, but actual calmness.
Well I guess that is on trigger I can cross of the very long list. Addiction has a way to keep on surprising me. It really just makes me assume that the enjoyment I had in the past came from the high itself, when all along it was just a cover. Just my dark passenger, once again, trying to lure me back to his side.
All it takes is some work and reminding. I had been on his side for seven years, and it wasn't anything to be missed. It is in this world...this scary, uncomfortable, but new and exciting world that there is still so much for me....for all of us to figure out.
Stay strong fellow bloggers.
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