Alright so after some time of trying to get ourselves back together after getting sober, we are ready to get back into that scary but exciting world of dating. Let me first say... this seemed so much easier than before haha. Also though, I noticed that I was missing out on many of the pleasant emotions that were numbed out along with all the bad ones.
Anyway, this is more of a reaching out post than anything. Getting back into the "dating world" is always intimidating, but everything really does feel so new. And honestly, I don't know why I am so surprised that everything has been new to me this past year.
But I guess one of the main things that has been constantly worrying me was the immediate comparison that I automatically make the more I like someone. It's just one of those things that start off as a whisper, and eventually turns into an ear-piercing scream. Let me explain:
The more I start to have an interest in someone, the comparisons start. Like say [insert name here] has had a great past, done all these great things, and so and so. As happy as I am for them, one sentence is on repeat going around in my head: "Oh... I'm Just an Addict."
I was really thinking about all of this recently. And the only thing that came to my mind was going back to my dark passenger. For the whole seven years, it was just me, him, and our drugs. My partner in love WAS my dark passenger, and no one else mattered. So in a way I am trying to think of those insecure thoughts as the jealous feelings of my dark passenger. He wants to continue the dangerous love affair that continued for too long, when in fact I know I am better without him.
For anyone who doesn't know, my dark passenger is what I call the thoughts and insecurities branching from my addiction.
We are all more than just the addicts we used to be. So when it comes to deciding on who our significant other is, I think we just have to make sure they support, and encourage the route of sobriety we chose to take, and not force their own program onto us. That just creates way too much tension which eventually leads to a downfall.
And if you are deciding on the route with someone who has not dealt with addiction, I found that just telling the exact truth seems to work the best. If it is too much for them, then so be it. We all need someone who can accept our past for what it is, and who can support us and reassure us that they truly care.
So even though I may be far away from finding that special someone, at least I know that when I do find him, he will love me for ALL that I am.
That is something that we all deserve.
Picture found on: Neuhen Kisler on Flickr
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