Image by: Cliff1066
Nostalgia.
Something that can bring a smile to your face or the exact opposite. I think for the first year or so of sobriety the past shows up quite a bit in your thoughts. At least it most definitely did for me.
I was with a friend today and we both agreed that there are some things from the past that we really miss. And honestly, for quite some time I did not want to move on. I didn't want to let go, or even knew how to. I'm mostly talking about friends and the times that were shared. Maybe I was just young, but I definitely thought that some of the people who I considered a close friend at the time, were going to remain in my life for a very long time.
I think the reason I wanted to hold on so badly was because right after you get clean, your normal everyday life is so extremely uncomfortable. So badly did I want something I was used to. So badly did I want the group of friends I used to have to come back so I could have just a little bit of that comfortable feeling. Of course, reintroducing them into my life would have been anything but helpful, I just didn't know it then.
Change.
That's all my life was about at that time... and pretty much still is. After some time I knew the only way my life was going to get better was if I not only accepted the change, but also embraced it. That was the part that was even harder. I never really liked change. If I felt comfortable in that moment, I did not see a point of changing anything. But when that change is the only way for you to survive, a choice doesn't really exist anymore.
"You can't cling on to the past because no matter how tightly you try to hold on, it's already gone."
- Ted Mosby
Yes, it is a quote from one of the main characters in How I met Your Mother. You have to agree though, he had a damn good point. The more we try to hold on, the further back we are going to have to reach. The further back we reach, the harder it is to keep our balance and move forward like we need to.
Happiness.
That is where I wanna be. I am not yet completely there, but I feel I am on my way. I definitely realized it was nowhere to be seen in my past. Actually, it was just the opposite. My past was full of despair, loneliness, death, tragedy, danger, and more death. I know most of you who have struggled with addiction can definitely relate to that. And I was definitely sick of all that. So I wanted to try...I needed to try to change.
It is now a little over a year and there has definitely been lots of changes. For the most part, things are... OK right now. Just kind of trying to figure out what it is I really want to do with my life. My hope for the future is definitely what keeps me going though. I want to prove myself wrong when I kept saying I'm always going to be the Addict. I know I can become something I will be proud of. We all can.
At the end of the day, all that matters is that we keep going. The past contains nothing but broken memories and numbed out emotions. So it is the future I look forward to. It will be a damn long journey, but I already know it will be rewarding. We all know what our lowest point was like, but we still have no idea what our highest point
can be.
And that is something that we all deserve to find out.
No comments:
Post a Comment